little update

I haven't had much to talk about in a while. Everything is day to day. Work has slowed down a bit. I haven't had to work at the store for a few weeks now. I was lucky enough to find myself a wonderful boyfriend. I think things are going well in general.

I try to keep myself busy when I have time off. I reconfigured my room last weekend out of necessity. It is hard to watch a 40" TV from a close range. I talked about how my overpriced phone is my graduation present for myself. I think the TV counts as my first big purchase after I got my job. It is about time to upgrade my computer monitor. 40" actually look relatively small when I am sitting in the middle of the room.

My sense of time and urgency has been slacking ever since I got out of school. Mainly because I don't have any homework. I have been trying to line up some projects for myself. I got one of the huge ones out of the way. Everything in my room has been moved around. I still need to put things back into place and pull unnecessary things out. That shouldn't take too long if I really put my mind to it. I need to start working on my website. I have a very good general idea on how to build it. It will take some time, to learn and apply some building skills. I need to learn from the ground up because I want to have some clean code and have it be flexible. I think it will be worth the efforts in the end. I'm not too worried about the actual contents for the time being. I figure with the topics I want to put into the site, the contents will fill itself eventually.

I know I have made similar posts over the years regarding these things. But I really feel this time I will get around to it. It's hard to believe, but it's true. Every day I am making little changes to my surrounding and myself. I'm working on it. One of my major flaws is that I am really a perfectionist. If I can't make something perfect, I simply stop working on it. I have many many unfinished projects. I collect random things with the intention of putting them into scrapbooks. I am not as artistic as I would like to think. I do have an eye for the aesthetics and have collected many things over the years. I am forcing myself to sort out these things and figure out what I really want. What defines me?

drinks

I had one of those days where I needed a drink at the end of it. I forgo the urge to pick up that bottle of Patron Silver at Trader Joe's and settled for a mini keg can of Heineken chilling in my fridge instead. Not a good Monday at work, I forgot my badge this morning and everyone went home early from feeling blah. That is a first in all my time there. It also didn't help that I was worried the whole day about somebody who was sick. I was worried that he had passed out. I went over to his house after work and banged on his door for what seemed to be forever. I really wanted to just stare him down and sarcastically say, oh you're still alive, then turn around and walk away.

I feel like an idiot to care so much.

selfish

I took a walk today during my break from work. It felt great and I did what I wanted to. That's the key word for me for the last few days. I realize how often I don't think for myself and blindly do what other people think would be best for me. I have gotten a few major hurdles out of my way and I am satisfied with the way I reached these major goals. I can't say I am completely happy. I realize that society, family, and friends have pressured me to behave a certain way for the past 26 years and I caved. I think it really is time to examine the things that makes me truly happy from the bottom of my heart.

It is mostly my fault that I allow myself to be so sheltered and closed in. I am insecure and needs validation. In some places such as my academic career and professional career I have become incredibly confident out of practice. In other ares, not as much. I can understand hard work and how to establish my path to a successful career for stability and comfort, it's the what to do with all of that part I haven't figured out.

What exactly am I working so hard for? I was fortunate enough to capitalize on an incredible opportunity. I am reluctant to leave the thing I am familiar with. I have refused to quit out of loyalty. I don't want to disappoint. That is not thinking for myself.

I can't think of a more confusing time in my life. Hanging on to the past and yet to fully embrace the future.

I need to learn to be selfish.

in case of fire

IMAGE_096
Originally uploaded by odrini

VG 6

In Case of Fire
Break Glass

short

It's been quite a while since I had some time to myself. I tried to write some a couple of weeks ago and it just didn't really happen. So a little update.

I started work at Apple and I found a man. I'm working 7 days a week and somehow need to drag my butt out of bed early enough to go to the gym. That's the short version of it.

breaking the habit

I broke the habit. I've been writing on this little piece of interwebs real estate since 9/22/2005 and I never missed a week until this past one. It has been a very interesting July for me. I had been sitting on my butt for the past two months just feeling unmotivated and down, then all of a sudden things came together.

Two months ago I finally graduated. It was one of those times when I think to myself, "well now that's done with.... what in hell am I going to do now?" It was great that I got that huge step out of the way, but I ended up sitting on my ass pretty much right off bat. I figured I deserved some sort of vacation. Sure I looked around for jobs but I was picky. I had a grand total of 1 interview in the whole process.

I had roughly two months of sitting on my ass and do nothing. Well maybe not "nothing". I did get around to go run. I lost about 7 lbs so far and it really shows. I need to get back into that habit. I liked it. My body adjusted to the exercise and I can do it forever. I need to work on my play list though.

Things are coming together at a very rapid pace. I have to say that I like it very much.

doors

It's funny how things work out sometimes. More on that later... now I need sleep.

epic?

That last post was a little sketchy. I was working on a fairly long write up, and stopped. Why would I spend so much time thinking and writing about things instead of experience life?

Life goes on. I'm turning the page.

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

I've been thinking a lot of things over in the last month, but I failed to put anything down in words. It all boils down to my inability to thoroughly grasp what I want in life. I am in a purgatory of sorts.

It was the 4th of July this past weekend. The phrase "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" came to mind. It is a right the forefathers of this country established of which I am entitled. I have a whole lot of freedom on my hands that I honestly don't know what to do with. I let opportunities come and go with few accomplishments in between. School, work, family, love, and everything else. I am proud that I finally finished a huge leg of my schooling. I am desperately reaching for the work part. I am overprotected in many ways. I concede I am broken in the relationship department. Although I am comfortable, this is not how I see myself to be at this age.

I'm still in love with Paris. I desperately want to go back. Rent an apartment for a while and just live there. Take the city in. I know I've been slacking in the photography department of late, but my prior trip was the reason why I wanted to invest in a dSLR.

There was a permanent fixture at a mall when I went up to the house last weekend. It was for the American Red Cross to solicit donation for disasters. The thing that struck me was there is a slot for people to put a piece of paper to indicate the disaster-du-jour. How often do things go wrong to warrant this sort of fixture? It's just a thought.

I recently saw a license plate frame that said, "I am a leaf in the wind, Wash is my co-pilot". I should have taken a picture of it. Obviously not the most original thing ever said, but I did find it amusing. Something so brilliant can be so short-lived.

snooze

roses

night

Squeeze

Squeeze
Originally uploaded by odrini

Yes, it's a Glock 9mm... but you probably already know that

but you weren't there....

So I was checking out my unofficial transcript this morning...

friday the 13th

A day like any others. I decided to give my knees a rest today. I think after yesterdays more successful run I deserved it.

I walked outside from work today a dusk. The sky was laden with a thick, dark cloud. Fortunately it wasn't from the smoke of a nearby fire, it was a larger fire in a forested area further south. It just looked so ominous. A red that resembled dried blood. The moon was red when I came home. In fact I am looking right at it. More clear now that the smoke drifted away. The first word that came to mind was "sinister".

A lady wearing dark scrubs with some frilly pattern interrupted my reading during work today to ask me who sang "lollipop"... Pardon? I reacted. I had no idea what she was talking about. You know, that song that has been playing on the radio? What about 3-6 Mafia (I have no idea if that is how you spell it, considering hip hop today...). Well ma'am I have heard of them, I'm not sure if that is the artist for that particular song... but I'm sure you can find them in the R&B aisle... What about Danity Kane? (ah, a bulb went off... I have no idea about their music but I have in fact heard of them) Yeah they should be down at R&B as well. Mind you, prior to her interruption I was happily flipping through David Saderis's latest book. If you haven't heard of him, I strongly suggest his works both in print and radio. A gentleman who I presume was her husband proceeded to ask a colleague of my of a darker skin tone about the song, of which she retorted by asking which version. Lil Wayne, she said, would be the artist they seek. Did I mention the couple was white? I know I am being stereotypical here, but these are the things I observe. I suppose I can't judge a book by its cover, and that goes the same for others of me.

I have been a bit melancholy today. Although I have not developed a taste for Sunday morning news shows, I do appreciate the works of Tim Russert. He will be sorely missed.

while I was waiting for people to show up....

The whole vacation thing doesn't really suit me. Not at first at the very least. I ran out of housework very quickly. My room I ridiculously organized. Well not in the sense that it's got a crazy organizational scheme, it's just that it has not been this organized since I moved back. So that is done with and I am currently trying to get the whole physical fitness thing going. I can attest to skipping more then 3 days for any reason is not good enough of a reason. I had a hell of a time te last three days trying to get myself back into the groove. Well I guess tat is more of an on going thing.

I've had this phone for a little less then two months and I am already tempted to get the new iPhone. It's not even the phone itself I'm getting excited over, but the new roll out of MobileMe that so nicely compliments it that I'm excited over. Alas, I need to be content with this phone for the time being, if the iPhone gets onto other networks then I can simply upgrade to it. That and I still like my rubber keys.

I didn't know this was one of my peeves is before. I think it's rude to leave your own party and hang out with people you run into for a good amount of time. But considering the example I have been given today, I don't really care. Oh and I hate it when I am on time and everybody else is running at least 15 min late. Good thing I have my phone to play with.

I have been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to write. I love writing, but I honestly have nothing to write about but my boring daily happenings. I honestly thought I would have so much more time to just do whatever I want after school is done with. As it turns out I have no idea what I want to do. I don't have a passion for anything in particular. I don't have the friends that I can just call up and do random things with. I'm kind of at a loss here. Maybe that is why I have been dreading this vacation. There is so much uncertainty and I don't have control over so much of it. It just feels strange.

I can churn out tons and tons of words to post in this infinite pit and it doesn't have to mean a damn thing. I don't actually have the talent to create content I realized a long time ago. What I am actually good at is to facilitate these things. I started studying the whole web design thing last week. I figured it was about time I get started on this great website I wanted to make for many many years. I don't know how it will turn out, but I'm hoping it will turn out much better then my writing.

this place

I feel like I'm caught in an interesting place right now. I've worked so hard to come to this place where I don't have any worries and can do whatever I want, and I can't wait to get out of it. I don't feel right when things I do doesn't exactly serve a specific purpose. I feel the need to not be here.