little update

I haven't had much to talk about in a while. Everything is day to day. Work has slowed down a bit. I haven't had to work at the store for a few weeks now. I was lucky enough to find myself a wonderful boyfriend. I think things are going well in general.

I try to keep myself busy when I have time off. I reconfigured my room last weekend out of necessity. It is hard to watch a 40" TV from a close range. I talked about how my overpriced phone is my graduation present for myself. I think the TV counts as my first big purchase after I got my job. It is about time to upgrade my computer monitor. 40" actually look relatively small when I am sitting in the middle of the room.

My sense of time and urgency has been slacking ever since I got out of school. Mainly because I don't have any homework. I have been trying to line up some projects for myself. I got one of the huge ones out of the way. Everything in my room has been moved around. I still need to put things back into place and pull unnecessary things out. That shouldn't take too long if I really put my mind to it. I need to start working on my website. I have a very good general idea on how to build it. It will take some time, to learn and apply some building skills. I need to learn from the ground up because I want to have some clean code and have it be flexible. I think it will be worth the efforts in the end. I'm not too worried about the actual contents for the time being. I figure with the topics I want to put into the site, the contents will fill itself eventually.

I know I have made similar posts over the years regarding these things. But I really feel this time I will get around to it. It's hard to believe, but it's true. Every day I am making little changes to my surrounding and myself. I'm working on it. One of my major flaws is that I am really a perfectionist. If I can't make something perfect, I simply stop working on it. I have many many unfinished projects. I collect random things with the intention of putting them into scrapbooks. I am not as artistic as I would like to think. I do have an eye for the aesthetics and have collected many things over the years. I am forcing myself to sort out these things and figure out what I really want. What defines me?

drinks

I had one of those days where I needed a drink at the end of it. I forgo the urge to pick up that bottle of Patron Silver at Trader Joe's and settled for a mini keg can of Heineken chilling in my fridge instead. Not a good Monday at work, I forgot my badge this morning and everyone went home early from feeling blah. That is a first in all my time there. It also didn't help that I was worried the whole day about somebody who was sick. I was worried that he had passed out. I went over to his house after work and banged on his door for what seemed to be forever. I really wanted to just stare him down and sarcastically say, oh you're still alive, then turn around and walk away.

I feel like an idiot to care so much.

selfish

I took a walk today during my break from work. It felt great and I did what I wanted to. That's the key word for me for the last few days. I realize how often I don't think for myself and blindly do what other people think would be best for me. I have gotten a few major hurdles out of my way and I am satisfied with the way I reached these major goals. I can't say I am completely happy. I realize that society, family, and friends have pressured me to behave a certain way for the past 26 years and I caved. I think it really is time to examine the things that makes me truly happy from the bottom of my heart.

It is mostly my fault that I allow myself to be so sheltered and closed in. I am insecure and needs validation. In some places such as my academic career and professional career I have become incredibly confident out of practice. In other ares, not as much. I can understand hard work and how to establish my path to a successful career for stability and comfort, it's the what to do with all of that part I haven't figured out.

What exactly am I working so hard for? I was fortunate enough to capitalize on an incredible opportunity. I am reluctant to leave the thing I am familiar with. I have refused to quit out of loyalty. I don't want to disappoint. That is not thinking for myself.

I can't think of a more confusing time in my life. Hanging on to the past and yet to fully embrace the future.

I need to learn to be selfish.

doors

It's funny how things work out sometimes. More on that later... now I need sleep.

epic?

That last post was a little sketchy. I was working on a fairly long write up, and stopped. Why would I spend so much time thinking and writing about things instead of experience life?

Life goes on. I'm turning the page.

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

I've been thinking a lot of things over in the last month, but I failed to put anything down in words. It all boils down to my inability to thoroughly grasp what I want in life. I am in a purgatory of sorts.

It was the 4th of July this past weekend. The phrase "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" came to mind. It is a right the forefathers of this country established of which I am entitled. I have a whole lot of freedom on my hands that I honestly don't know what to do with. I let opportunities come and go with few accomplishments in between. School, work, family, love, and everything else. I am proud that I finally finished a huge leg of my schooling. I am desperately reaching for the work part. I am overprotected in many ways. I concede I am broken in the relationship department. Although I am comfortable, this is not how I see myself to be at this age.

I'm still in love with Paris. I desperately want to go back. Rent an apartment for a while and just live there. Take the city in. I know I've been slacking in the photography department of late, but my prior trip was the reason why I wanted to invest in a dSLR.

There was a permanent fixture at a mall when I went up to the house last weekend. It was for the American Red Cross to solicit donation for disasters. The thing that struck me was there is a slot for people to put a piece of paper to indicate the disaster-du-jour. How often do things go wrong to warrant this sort of fixture? It's just a thought.

I recently saw a license plate frame that said, "I am a leaf in the wind, Wash is my co-pilot". I should have taken a picture of it. Obviously not the most original thing ever said, but I did find it amusing. Something so brilliant can be so short-lived.

night

while I was waiting for people to show up....

The whole vacation thing doesn't really suit me. Not at first at the very least. I ran out of housework very quickly. My room I ridiculously organized. Well not in the sense that it's got a crazy organizational scheme, it's just that it has not been this organized since I moved back. So that is done with and I am currently trying to get the whole physical fitness thing going. I can attest to skipping more then 3 days for any reason is not good enough of a reason. I had a hell of a time te last three days trying to get myself back into the groove. Well I guess tat is more of an on going thing.

I've had this phone for a little less then two months and I am already tempted to get the new iPhone. It's not even the phone itself I'm getting excited over, but the new roll out of MobileMe that so nicely compliments it that I'm excited over. Alas, I need to be content with this phone for the time being, if the iPhone gets onto other networks then I can simply upgrade to it. That and I still like my rubber keys.

I didn't know this was one of my peeves is before. I think it's rude to leave your own party and hang out with people you run into for a good amount of time. But considering the example I have been given today, I don't really care. Oh and I hate it when I am on time and everybody else is running at least 15 min late. Good thing I have my phone to play with.

I have been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to write. I love writing, but I honestly have nothing to write about but my boring daily happenings. I honestly thought I would have so much more time to just do whatever I want after school is done with. As it turns out I have no idea what I want to do. I don't have a passion for anything in particular. I don't have the friends that I can just call up and do random things with. I'm kind of at a loss here. Maybe that is why I have been dreading this vacation. There is so much uncertainty and I don't have control over so much of it. It just feels strange.

I can churn out tons and tons of words to post in this infinite pit and it doesn't have to mean a damn thing. I don't actually have the talent to create content I realized a long time ago. What I am actually good at is to facilitate these things. I started studying the whole web design thing last week. I figured it was about time I get started on this great website I wanted to make for many many years. I don't know how it will turn out, but I'm hoping it will turn out much better then my writing.

this place

I feel like I'm caught in an interesting place right now. I've worked so hard to come to this place where I don't have any worries and can do whatever I want, and I can't wait to get out of it. I don't feel right when things I do doesn't exactly serve a specific purpose. I feel the need to not be here.

me worried?

I'm done with three of my classes. I already have my grade in the HR capstone class. I have a B-, which is the same as what he gave me last semester in legal issues. I'm fine with it. As long as I don't have a C in that class I'm happy. I think I worked a lot harder in that class then the last class. I feel like I learned something there for once. It's debatable how much I will be able to retain and use. But hey, a B- is not a C. I didn't do too well in the objective part of the final, but it was still above average. I did fairly well on the essay part, I guess he thinks I make sense on some of the stuff I wrote. So that's one down.

The one I took last Friday was pretty easy. I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but to keep my A in that one I needed a 65% in the final. I think I'm pretty set. I was the first one out the door again. Technology classes can be boring for me, but if it raises my GPA I'm all for it.

The one I took yesterday was on compensation. I'm interested in the subject but it's not the most exciting book to read. I think I'll get a B or B+ in there. That's still pretty good.

Tomorrow I have two more finals I am studying for right now. Well I will start in a minute after I finish eating. I'm expecting a B and C in those classes. That still gives me a decent GPA at the end. I feel like my mom is really nervous about this whole graduation thing. She keeps asking me about grades. It's getting a bit on my nerves. I understand why she would feel this way but hey, I'm good this time.

downer

I honestly hate it when people are trying to protect me overtly. Here's the thing, if you try to do that you're probably killing my potential opportunities. I don't want you to go, well those interviews are insane and you'll never make it out alive. Well man, good to know, what's the worse they're going to do to me? say no? Oh wow geez, that sounds horrifying. Or are you afraid of me yelling at you about putting me in that situation? Why would I do that in the first place. Are you that insecure about yourself? I'm not even saying they will interview me for sure. Just send my damn resume over and get it done. I can use the experience. I hate to have to ask somebody like that for a favor because he'll feel like I owe him for like the rest of his life. Oh and the other thing, yeah I know putting my resume on their website is not going to get me anywhere. Is it ok if I just put it in so I don't have to do it when they ask me to? I'll have to do it eventually, why not now and perhaps have an opportunity. Why do you insist on treating me like a fucking child. This is stupidly frustrating.

looking ahead

I suppose this is the point in my life when I get all philosophical about life and such. I am officially finished with my last regular class, my finals are on Friday, Monday and two on Wednesday. Then I'm done. And I mean done, with school, for now at least. I don't know if I will go back to school, but I do want to go back eventually to just finish up my CS degree. I was so close. But for now, I'm looking at my final week in school. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

I don't really have a prospect in work yet. I've been sort of looking and throwing my resume in a few directions. I haven't had any call backs yet. I not really hold out much hope for some of them, but it doesn't hurt to try.

I feel like I should have some plans for the future now that I have the time for it. It's like starting a new chapter in my life. I know I drone on about it. I don't really feel too different about it, but I really should. It is a huge change. Moving from one major phase in my life into the next. The next leg is going to be long but I will have more control. It feels strange to know that.

I know I should feel a lot more excited about it, but I don't. I just can't wait to get it over with and move on. I think to a degree I have let other people to dictate my life for far too long. I don't do the things I really want to do because of influence from others. It's a sad existence. I am not here to enjoy myself, but rather to please others. I know I do it whether I like it or not. I'm trying to change it.

sabotage

I know somebody that is really great at sabotaging relationships. It's sad really, to do that and not realizing it. I am trying to give him the benefit of a doubt. I get the sense that he learned interpersonal relationships through mass media. Often exaggerated drama. What he doesn't understand is, relationship between people is not always cut and dry. It's delicate and has many dimensions. Categorically sorting things in that is and what isn't doesn't work. It's worse when he tries to impose these ideas on the people involved. I can try to work around it, but that's because I learned to not believe a single word he saids unless somebody else backs it up. It's sad really. To not be able to trust a friend.

is it icy fruit or fruity ice?

*ponders as I enjoy my frozen jamba block*

some things off top of my head

I've taken a mental and physical break for the last few weeks. I woke up this morning thinking I want to sleep in, but why? I think it's about time I get my business in order. I graduate in six weeks. I should plow through it.

Standing on top of a six story building at 10 in the morning is interesting. I'm overlooking the city. The sky was overcast. I should have worn that orange sweatshirt I laid out yesterday instead of the skimpy blue hoodie.

How do you judge the character of a food services establishment? I always start with the lowest common denominator. A latte in a coffee house, katsu-don at a Japanese restaurant, carnitas taco at a Mexican place, pho at a Vietnamese noodle place, shredded pork sandwich at a Viet sandwich shop, palak paneer at an Indian place. These things gives me perspective. How good can the more complicated dishes be if they can't excel in the most fundamental parts of their cuisine? I want to venture out of the usual places I go to, but these are the things I want to stick to.

I'm thinking about getting some playoff tickets today. I have an hour to think about it.

Having the house to myself put things in perspective for me. My role in the household expanded. There are so many little things I didn't think of before. I had to go out of my way to get those things done. These things are routine now. It's just strange.

Bay to Breakers attire idea:
Back of my t-shirt: "I'm graduating in 3 days... FINALLY!"
Back of dad's t-shirt: "No more tuition... WOOHOO!"

writings

I was walking from one class to another today and I was seriously contemplating the viability of writing a two-page essay every week on topics I'm interested in. This stems from writing a three-page (double-spaced) essay this morning for a class. It was a mildly interesting topic. What happens when I write about something I actually have a strong opinion on? I am going to need a whole lot of prompts.

so I was crossing the street...

and my phone rings. Of course I didn't answer it, because I can't feel my phone buzz when it's in my jeans pocket. I'm pretty sure it's the layer of fat on my thigh that filtered it out. It was my friend J just saw me cross the street and wanted to tell me about how she joined the gym over the weekend. I think I've been giving her crap for quite some time for not going to the gym with me anymore. So there I was, having tapioca express and a box of fried food, plotting out when to go to the gym again.

I felt giddy tonight. I feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can enjoy things and not get annoyed. I feel like I've reclaimed myself. I've liberated myself. I feel like I can do anything.

Right now, I am going to sleep. ha!

"the beauty of doing nothing"

I was reading last night and came across this concept. It's Italian, Roman in particular. What the person said was true. I spend time and money to peruse entertainment, but I do not do nothing. I can remember a while back I tried to spend an afternoon doing nothing. I ended up in a little Italian deli and got a sandwich, people-watching. I browsed in a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. It felt so peaceful at times.... but I was uncomfortable. I felt this guilt from doing nothing. I felt like I should have been doing something. I felt the need to accomplish.

I don't think I can ever do nothing. But I sat down and tried to think about what makes me happy. I promptly went to flickr and looked through my photos. I added more things to the favorites folder and did some captions. I love taking pictures. I love catching people off guard. Just being themselves. I rarely find good pictures of people posing. I took out my camera the other day and figured out how to take black and white pictures. I think it's about time I learn how to use it. A little bit at a time.

I've been considering working for non-profits. I'm not too sure, but I think it feels right. I might look into that. I think I'm going to put some money into Kiva tonight. I registered a little while back, and I want to actually do something for it. Microloans, they're interesting. I'm a little obsessed with recycling of late. Bringing that bag of cans and bottles to the recycling center makes me realize how much money we throw away at work everyday. Less then half a weeks worth of recycling earned $5.80. I also snagged 10 bottle caps, worth 30 of the 220 points needed for a movie ticket. This trash is worth something afterall.

I did some cleaning this morning. I didn't plan on it. I rearranged a few items in my bathroom and opened up some counter space. It looks right.

I really want to get back to scrapping. Thing is, I have so much crap, I don't know what to start with. I got 6 planner folders yesterday. I'm going to use them. I might start working on them tonight. At least separating stuff out into the other folders I got. Page planners give me hope.

I'm good at planning things. In a support position. I can identify and acquire what is needed for a project, but I'm bad at actually working on them. Is there a job out there where I can do that? I would like one of those. Logistics, I do them.

i haven't written in a while

I felt like I was totally out of my elements today. Figured I'll try to convey it. I feel all icky all day, maybe I should have showered in the morning. In fact, maybe I should go do that after I post. My contacts are dry. My desk is randomly messy. Not too cluttered, just random crap at various spots. It felt like a good idea to go shopping today for some odd reason. I avoided the paper source like I wanted to at first. Well ok let me rewind.

I got up, at a bowl of oatmeal, and went to school. School was more bleh as usual. I was hungry the whole time. It didn't help that my classmate next to me kept saying she was starving. I kept my mind busy with what I should have for lunch. I was trying to decide between a bratwurst at the good hot dog place, boba and some fried food, or the burger place I've been meaning to go at Santana Row. My mind was pretty much set. Custom burger really sounded good, and I could hit Paper Source for random goodies. Then I walked into the elevator with another classmate and he decided I should go to lunch with him. I'm actually not that friendly of a person. I always come up with some excuse not to do things with people. Mediocre bento box and a good conversation is hard to find. Well the good conversation that is. I had to go get a birthday present. Lord how much I love gift cards. Picked up a couple of clearance scrappy things. I got a couple of packs of Cropper Hopper page planners. I really believe in organization. Now that if I get around to do it. There's so much to do.

My horoscope tells me this today:
"You may be required to work hard for the next several weeks, but you are willing because the stakes are high. Unfortunately, you don't necessarily feel like pushing yourself today, even if there is a lot to do. You prefer to reserve your energy for later on when you might need it. Go ahead and glide through the day if you can, but don't put off your tasks for too long."

It's so true. I just don't feel like doing anything at all. It's like an out of body experience or something.

Now I have to prep for dinner.

Why can't I seem to get my head together lately?

I figured out how to take black and white pictures recently. I want to do it more.

just get on with it

One of the things that annoy the most is people whining about school. I am taking a pretty heavy load by all standards so I can speak about it. I took a quiz this morning in my strategic management class. It was a little like a midterm. Four definitions and a small case study. How hard is this? Not really. Do you have to study much for it if you paid attention in class? Not at all. I was annoyed that people were bitching about it after the fact. It was a waste of time and I don't think it was necessary for my professor to explain herself. I thought it was a good quiz, and that's by my lazy-ass standards. How do you people solve problems when you get a real job?