Winter

I was craving ice cream just now. I have a thing of Phish Food and Chunky Monkey in the freezer. I couldn't open it. It was a little bit stuck. Oh well. I crave ice cream when I'm reading on a cold winter night. I know I'm weird like that.

I have a pot of roses. You know, the 3 dollar ones that comes in a tin from Trader Joe's. I've had it for a few months, which is a record. I made a promise to myself earlier this year that I will make my room clean enough for flowers. I did. And I got myself roses. I water this thing just about every other day. And it has grown about twice it's original size and is in it's second bloom. I was never good with plants, or animals either. I have a pot of roses and a guinea pig that's thriving. I don't know what that tells me, but I think there is a lesson buried in there somewhere.

I'm trying to be deep.

I'm reaing "Candide". Given I should have read it about two weeks ago. I can't put it down. It's an easy read. I've forgotten how much I like reading. The only downer right now is I'm reading for class. Which I hate. I like reading just for the hell of it. I have a really good size library I really want to go through. That is my goal next year. Read more. Now that I have a space where I can relax and read. I just need the time to do it, and that's another matter.

School is not going well right now. Too much piled on. I just need to be less lazy. Hey I'm reading "Candide" ain't I? Well ok not at the moment because I'm writing, but I did dedicate a large part of my day reading.

I bowled well last night. Maybe it was because I was sober for once. 133/125/160/125. That gives me a 135 average for the night. I'm impressed. I'm working on my posture. I got the whole walking straight, aiming the correct arrow, counting the right amount of boards, keeping my arm straight thing down. I just need to be consistent with my posture. Crouch down a bit more and don't let my other arm go behind me, that makes my whole body jerk to one side. Consistency. Yup.

I was a bit on edge at work today. I have no idea why.

I have been a little bit more irritated lately. I think I know why. There are so many things going on. A majority of it is out of my control. And the things in my control I'm not taking it. So yeah. I'm doing great. I know this feeling before. Having things spin out of control.

It has been very cold the last few days. I'm not sure how much I like the cold. I do notice a difference in my attire this year though. I was able to fit myself in a hoodie then zip up my awesome leather jacket. Honestly, last year at this time, when I first got the thing I could barely zip it. I'm pretty damn happy about that. I still have a long way to go. Have been a little neglegant lately of my whole maintanence thing. Totally need to do crunches.

I remember once upon a time I loved winter. I think I still do. This year I have this whole lets celebrate the holidays thing in my blood. I don't know how it got there. I think it's the peppermint mochas and pumpkin spice lattes I've been having. I really should cut back on them a little. Cuts into my budget a little much.... yikes. I should make coffee at home.

It was my buddy's birthday on Monday. Took him out to the Cheesecake Factory... and a whole mess of people tagged along. It was fun. He needed it. Lord knows he doesn't go out and have fun with people very much... having his crappy job and all. In all honesty, he does more then me, and he complaints a lot more. I suppose I just take life with a grain of salt, and he's just being a big queen.

I've been spending way too much again. I got all those components for the new computer. Haven't opened anything yet. I'm tempted. I don't have the time though. I'm thinking I've already spent about $640 for all the parts I already have. I could spend another 200 for the case and new power supply. Then I can spare another oh.... 700 for the new 22" monitor. So the questions are, where in hell am I gonna put it, why in hell am I spending so much on it, and what in hell am I going to do with it when I'm done? I have no clue. I'm thinking about selling all the stuff so I would have some cash. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Something to do over Christmas I suppose.

Speaking of Christmas, I have no idea what I am going to get my parents. Well I have an idea, but that seems like it will involve me selling my computer stuff and use that money to buy them stuff. I'm thinking a navigation system that will set me back about $340, then a coffee maker thing using single pods that will cost about $160. I'm not sure yet. I'm still thinking. I'll have to see how much I get for the next pay check.

I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately. Just going out with friends. I mean it doesn't occur that often, but it's still a lot more often then before. We even talked about where to go for dinner next week already. It's weird. This thing people call a social life. I'm totally not used to it. I spend so much of my last few years just being with one person almost all the time. It's werid to be with other people.

He came up last weekend to trade things. He has some of my things, and I have a whole mess of his. I realize I don't miss him. Eventhough he is doing everything I asked him to do when we were together now. After we have been apart. I don't miss him. There's really nothing there for me left. It was so draining. I loath realationships like that. The ones that just drains all my energy. So there it was. All 20 minutes of it. Done. Got that over with. My garage now has room for me to rummage through. I need to find my boxes of Lego. I want to play. I'm thinking I want to find them, wrap them up, and open them Christmas morning and play with them. Yeah I'm retarded like that sometimes.

I miss being so innocent. I miss having a Christmas tree. There is no way I am lugging a tree into the house, but I can probably do one of those mini potted trees we did a few years back. That was fun. I can put bells and bows on them. It will be nice. I need a spirit lift.

So I guess my point is, winter is here. I've gotten a lot done, and nothing done this year at the same time, as usual. Sometimes I feel like my life is just passing me by and I'm missing it. I try to go out and have a good time. But sometimes things just goes so slow for me. There is the constant, "how long until..." Well I don't know. I'm just taking it one day at a time. There are things I do I absolutely love, then there are things I do just to please people. I still don't know what I want to do with my life yet. It's a month and a half until I'm 25. I don't have much to show for it. Maybe this is when I'm finally starting to figure out who I am. I don't have a passion, and I'm in pursuit of things that are futile. This is not what I pictured myself to be at this age. In my other life I am in a picture perfect life. I am a great mother and a wife. I have none of those. It seemed to be so a year and a half ago. This is not what I pictured myself to be.

I need some holiday cheer. Ice cream still sounds good, but I think I will just spend my time finishing the book instead of trying to open up an ice cream carton.

Motivation

I have none. Should have done a lot of things today. But didn't. Where is my motivation? No idea. What to do now? No clue. *sigh*

Peace

It's cold tonight. I am turning off my computer now. It's been about a month since this thing has stayed on. She needs rest. I need peace and quiet. To think. To have a restful night of sleep to keep my head clear. There is so much on my mind.

Tuesday Randoms

Don't really have much to talk about, just want to write something I suppose, and avoid doing homework all at the same time. haha.... yeah. I'm kind of like that sometimes. I'm responsible in some ways, and entirely reckless in others.

So this whole Blogger Beta thing is working remarkably well for me. I didn't expect it to go this smoothly. I like the layouts on the dashboard, and the security features. As I said before, I'm keeping the format pretty much to the way it was before I switched over. Less things to be confused with. But some of the new stuff are pretty nice for sure.

I have said time and time again that I am going to build a website and find a web host for it. I did find a host, but I'm too damn lazy. Really. Why would I go do a thing like that when I have all the stuff already set up on Blogger, and all my pictures uploaded on Yahoo. I don't know if it's even worth my efforts right now to do anything like that. Maybe when I really have time for it I might. I'm not going to be too obsessed over it.

I finally got my Intel bundle.... Now I'm not even sure if I am going to build it. It seriously put a dent on my credit. I've already spent about $630 on this thing, including the bundle, a motherboard for overclocking, a new hard drive, and a new optical drive. I could spend another $100 on getting a new case for it and just buck up and build it. Or I can just sell all this stuff to a friend for $700. I don't know. I'm seriously considering it since I don't really need an upgrade. The one thing I can do is to sell all this stuff, get the new case, and transplant all my stuff onto it... lol. I dunno. Or maybe I can sell my chip, board, and heat sink I've used for less then a year. Who knows. I am so confused about it right now. I've just been gathering parts. I think my problem right now is, I have spent about $630 bucks that I don't really have a reason to spend.... *gah* so confused....

I went and got the stuff for the potluck today. We're having it on Sunday night, and I put the majority of things in the store already. Got a sign up sheet up. Still need to order and pick up the cakes on Saturday. Can't don't it Sunday because I'm going to be working all day. Here's what I got...

2 cases of water
4 cases of mixed soda
1 case of Pepsi
1 case of Diet Pepsi
2 stack of plates
1 box of forks
1 gigantic bag of tortilla chips
2 bags of ruffles
1 box of Ritz
1 box of Cheeze-It
1 huge bag of pretzels
2 boxes of cookies
2 tubs of salsa
1 tub of guacamole

I think that's enough stuff. Cool thing is the whole deal is going to cost less then $175. Now if I can get people to just bring food it would be awesome.

I actually have a lot of things I need to get done this week. I have like two weeks worth of back homework for my writing class, plus the essay that is due on Sunday night. I have 2 midterms this weekend for the business classes. There is also the accounting midterm. Needless to say I have to have all of those things done by Saturday night for I will be working all day Sunday and working on the potluck that night. I have class tomorrow from 12:30 to 2:40, then open on Thursday, off Friday, close Saturday. That means I need to get everything done before 5 pm Saturday night. *sigh* I really don't feel like it right now. I am going to be gung ho about it tomorrow. So whatever.... I think I will go sit in my bed in a bit and knit. yeah.... that is probably what I will be doing....

So I got my camcorder back. I wanted to do a video diary thing, but I'm not very good at it. When I'm staring at the camera I really don't have anything to say. So it is now sitting on a little tripod on my desk, gathering dust. Well at least I have a lot of tapes if I decide to become talkative.

I started writing again. The whole pen and paper thing. Yeah paper. You remember those. I don't know... sometimes I feel like just writing on paper. It's comforting. Like the things I write on here are the ones I want to share with everybody. I tend to write on paper my private thoughts and I can go back to them on a later time. I sat there at my desk the other night just reading it. A lot of times were, I don't belive I would write something like that. But I did. And I reminded myself of how I felt when I wrote those things. Feelings and experiences. Mostly intimate details. Sometimes it's nice to know I actually have emotions. I know I am so impersonal sometimes I scare people away. People tell me that. I was in the store today and one of my coworkers commented on how I'm such a badass when I'm walking around. As much as that is flattering I don't know what that makes me. That makes me the cool person, but not an object of desire to anyone that I know of. Unless they have a death wish or something. I look like I'm dressed to kill. You can picture me on a Harley. *sigh* If people would just take the time to get to know me....

So my ex came up last weekend for some of his stuff. He did return some of my stuff. I got all my consoles back, that gives me a +1 on PS2. I need to sell that.... lol. I think my friend who currently has my other one might be up for it. She can have it for like.... 50 bucks, with the controllers. I want my new one back, it's slimmer. All she needs it for is Guitar Hero anyway. I know the xbox is dead, I can probably just throw that out... or sell it maybe... lol. I have a whole stack of games on it too.... probably can sell those. I can use the cash. I should sort through that mess. There is so much stuff I found in the storage. I went through our storage unit and packed 1 suitcase, 4 boxes, 6 garbage bags, plus 2 large wooden case speakers and an elecric keyboard for him to take away. In the process I think I threw away like 6 or 7 boxes worth of stuff. We also found a whole bunch of clothing I can donate to Goodwill at the end of the year for tax credit. There is a lot more room now in the storage. Now if we can just go through more of it, throw more crap away, and sort out the garage too it would be awesome. So much cleaning done.... *aaahhhh*

Did I already mention my room is probably the best place to hang out around the house right now? I couldn't imagine that about 4 months ago. I just had this desire to make this room a santurary. And now it is. I'm quite happy right now. It is far from being entirely organized, but I've come a long way from where I was. As I said before, if the state of my room is the reflection of my mental state, I am in a lot better shape then I was before. There is clarity for once. Hey I found out I have a floor! haha.

Monday

yeah... one of those. This weekend was pretty tiring... considering it was Black Friday. I finally had enough sleep... I think I did anyway. I should go to class... *sigh*

finally sorted

I'm currently uploading 1.3 GB of photos onto yahoo. I suspect when I wake up in the morning it will be done. I finally went through all of the pictures I took in Paris, flipped the ones that are sideways, and sorted them by days. The albums are by days, and there are also 3 albums of pictures my mom took. So yeah... enjoy ^_^

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
every thing
on our own
we don't need
anything
or anyone

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me,
and just forget the world

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel

those three words
are said too much
but not enough

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me,
and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
thats bursting into life

let's waste time chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me,
and just forget the world

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
thats bursting into life

all that i am
all that i ever was
its here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see
i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me,
and just forget the world

-- Snow Patrol -- Eyes Open

Life Is A Highway

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights

Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Roads are rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye

There ain't no load that I can't hold
Roads are rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

-- Rascal Flatts -- Me and My Gang

my arm looks great....

ok I would post a picture on here, but it really isn't going to be clear enough for you to see. Last week I had a box full of hanging folders ball on me... problem was, they were filled. one of the hooks caught my arm on the way down. It took me a few minutes to recover. The bruise is pretty.... and I'm going to have a scar. Good times.

It's really cold tonight

I wish he was here to keep me warm. But alas... he's busy, as usual. I don't know how to quit.

new processor....

It's been shipped! yay! You know what else is great? I know they tried to put it on my credit card right away, but never went through because it was not shipped yet.... So now it's off my credit card entirely... which is weird. So we'll see what happens. It'd be pretty cool if I get it for like... nothing. =P

What To Get.....

Thinking about getting a Tassimo or a Grind and Brew for my parents for Christmas.... but of course I'll get plenty of use out of it. Really tempted to get it, seiously. I'm leaning towards the Grind and Brew right now just because of the sheer amount of coffee we have at home, but the Tassimo is so cool. So I don't know. I'll figure it out somehow. Eh... I'm going to make some tea and have a pumpkin truffle =P

Blogger Beta

I was a little bored this morning and switched over to blogger beta. It's interesting. Everything is pretty. Things updates pretty quickly. The feature I like most is the private blog thing. hahaha... Yeah I have secrets. =P Well ok, I still won't trust it. And you wonder why I have so many paper journals? yeah I have a lot to write. You've seen the amount of writing I do here. And this is not enough half of it. yeah. I kill trees.

AMA

So I was watching the American Music Awards while I'm just screwing around online.... a few things I observed (not in any particular order):

1) John Mayer sounds awesome live... sort of regretting not getting tickets when he was touring with Sheryl Crow
2) They friggin lowered KFed into a crate and dumped him into the Pacific in the intro. Good he's man enough to own up to his spectacular failure.
3) Jimmy Kimmel is actually one of the better show hosts I've seen in a while.
4) Britney is still fat, but looking soooo much better.
5) They are seriously relying on the old standards to hold the show up... Barry Manilow, Lionel Richie.... Jamie Foxx??
6) Gwen Stefani's new song does nothing for me... it really is barely a song... *sigh*
7) Jay-Z is back! wooo! real music for once!
8) I don't care how my friend went to the Tenacious D concert the other day and said it sucks.... now I want to watch The Pick Of Destiny... haha
9) Flavor Flav makes one creepy baby
10) I still love Snoop Dogg

yeah I think that's all I have about that for now....

mmm.... more pumpkin....

So yeah, these guys are like $9 for 3 online... and I got a 2 pack of 6 for like 18 bucks yesterday. I had to share. It's yummy too.

Wii

I have to admit... I'm intrigued by the Wii. I'm really curious about how it will play. I already have some feedback from a few friends. Looks like a good system to get because of the game play and content. So I'll think about it. I'm not in a rush or anything. Plus there's a hold on employee purchase on it for now. I'd rather wait and put it on my RZMC for double points.... *shrug* something to think about. After all, I haven't picked up the 360 yet, and I said I was going to wait for it. I don't have to play to tell the truth. I just let my friend borrow my PS2 to play Guitar Hero. Well granted she just started at Red Octane and needed some experience with their best selling product.... yeah she's a desiger... not a code monkey =P Anyway, my point is, I don't have time to play games now a days.... I have so much on my plate. Sometimes depending on what I'm trying to play it feels like such a waste of time to me. I don't know. It's like, I can do something better, but I end up doing something stupid anyway, like blogging. So whatever. Yeah, so my point is, I want a Wii, but I can wait. Yeah, that's it.

Celebrity Paranomal Project....

cracks me up!!! lol... So I'm watching the ep where they went to investigate Tanner's Ghost.... Best part is you have Coolio, David Carradine, and Andrew Firestone (the bachelor) directing Mia St. John (a boxer) and Bridget Marquardt (one of Heff's girlfriends) around.... good stuff.... man... Carradine is so friggin zen.... must find the first ep with Gary Busey though... I don't know what would be more scary... the haunted place or Gary Busey... haha

stay positive

I tried to stay positive today. At least by the time I got to work anyway. I think that went well. We had the meeting tonight too. Ran pretty long, but I got a few words in... in front of the whole store. Pretty nerve wrecking for my partner in crime up there.... but I think I did fine. I had to use my outdoors voice... lol. Still a little buzzed from a little late night drinking. I think I'm going to take tomorrow off. Entirely. Just away from everything, and just have the time to think. It's rare to have this peace and quiet. It's strange to me. But I'll be alright. I started uploading pictures on yahoo this morning. I threw all of my mom's Paris pictures on there.... made it into 3 seperate albums, but chronological. I'm going to finish flipping all the ones I took that are sideways, then seperate them into days, and upload them. I think I'll do that after I change out of my monkey suit. After I do that I'll probably upgrade my flickr account and put all of them on there, so I can have a slideshow. maybe..... I'll have to think about it. yeah..... this is me rambling after I'm buzzed and hyper..... I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the unhappy stuff off my mind. Just think happy thoughts.

Bowling ^_^

ever

ever feel depress just because? things going out of control. I might look fine from the surface, but I'm really a mess. I'm trying hard to hang on to things that makes me happy.... but they seem to go away without me knowing... I don't have control over it. Of course there are things in my life that are going well and I'm glad of it. But there are still little things that bothers me. I need to get a grip. I need to get over it.

Line Rider - Jagged Peak Adventure

What would you say....

From time to time I just don't know what I can write about. I know for a fact that I have a lot of different thoughts running through my head and it's driving me insane. I found myself thinking how nothing really matters. I don't know what it is. Maybe I put my guards up too high. I'm not the first one to accept reality. Truth is, I always put myself out there for the wrong person at the wrong time. All I want is someone who wants to make me happy. He doesn't have to do anything spectacular, just have to remember me once in a while. Somebody who would take 2 minutes out of a day to give me a call to just say hi and check up on me. That is all I ask for. Nothing fancy. I don't know what to think. I know I'm not too coherent right now, everything is so confusing.

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

-- The Fray

The last week made me feel like I'm missing something, somehow. For that one week I had the house to myself, I felt free. I miss having my personal space. It's different somehow. I can do whatever I want, I can invite whoever I want over, I can just lay in bed an do nothing. I miss that.

Hide

It took me a good 20 minutes to find my piggie tonight. He was hiding under my parents bed, behind a box. And for those of you who have seen him, he's chocolate brown, so you can't see him under the friggin bed. He wouldn't even respond to the sound of his box of treats. Fun times. I'm gonna close that door tomorrow when I let him out.... sheesh..... got a puppy trapped in a piggies body... seriously...

Great.... Doogie Howser is gay.....

Different

I feel different. Somehow I'm a little more independent. I have a bit of a routine when I'm by myself. There are things I actually do. I get distracted once in a while by trivial things, but still. It's different for a change. Maybe I'm finally growing up? Naw. I think I'm just adapting. If I can get a couple more things (literally 2 major things) together, then maybe I'll be happy. I'm not saying completely satisfied, just happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in my thick shell. I haven't really found myself yet. I haven't found my nitch. I'm not entirely comfortable. There are so many things that I want, and I want it the easy way. I've been learning how it doesn't work that way. So much I still have to change about myself. I'll figure it out somehow. I did learn one thing this week. Taking care of myself is hard. haha... that's what I get for being alone for a week. It's so quiet. I have so many demands. It's hard to meet them when they come up. So yeah. I reaffirmed that I'm really really needy.

It's one of those times that I feel unloved and alone. No matter how much I want someone to make me feel whole, it's not the same. I don't remember relationships being this hard. Somehow that's the way it is for me. I guess I'm not meant to be with anyone. No matter how much I want it to be.... everything is just passing.