Deal Breaker

Somebody asked me what that one word was in the previous post. Suffice to say it's the deal breaker.

Frustration

Why is it that whenever I find somebody I can really talk to, the same person becomes the greatest source of frustration? It doesn't make sense at all. I hate it that when I can finally trust my feelings with somebody, he/she will let me down.

I miss having somebody that would love me so entirely. It scares me to think that will never happen again. What if I will never find somebody that would care that much for me again? Will I just stay hopeless and frustrated? I think the reality is finally starting to hit me.

I feel like crying. A good, long, gut wrenching cry. I don't remember the last time I was able to do that. I have all these emotions bottled up and no outlet. I know it's all there. Because everyday, I feel a little piece of me dying.

There is this one person that has been able to bring a smile to my face in the past few weeks. We had both indicated interest. I was getting myself ready to dive in. Then with one word, everything changed. I find it increasingly hard for me to stay away. But the reality is, I need to keep away before any mistakes are made. We both know there won't be a future for the two of us. And neither one of us are capable of having flings. We're both the long haul type. So what now? I haven't gotten it figured out at all. We're playing by ear, but that can't last long. I hate it that I have no control over my feelings. Especially when I keep thinking about the way he looked at me a few weeks back. How he saw right through me. The one thing I have always wanted. The one thing I can't have.

look a little harder...

... you just might find that I'm really dead inside. I think I've been fairly good at maintaining my facade. Just as I thought I was starting to recover too. I was playing WoW with a close friend last night when I made a comment on my character's level. He made an off-hand comment that tied to my current predicament. I was also on the phone with another friend, and the first words out of my mouth was... wow, that was low. The three of us found it quite humorous at the time.

But not until I hung up, logged off the game, turned off the lights and laid down in my bed when I felt how much that stung. It's not his fault that he made that comment, I totally walked into that one. I try to play light on the situation, but it is affecting me fairly deeply. I need to be emotionally dead to keep moving on.

In all seriousness... is it even possible? I'm guessing no. So it is more flack for me.

blizz bliss

I went ahead and threw a new heatsink and fan into my case, now it runs 25 degrees cooler.

My grace period coming to an end

It's time for me to tighten up my schedule. I know I have a lot of things on my plate, which is why I need to do this. In past several months I have been slacking off on pretty much everything. I have put my focus on things that should be small potatoes. So does that mean no more fun for me? Of course not. Now I will actually find time to do stuff after I have finished all the things I need to do. 1/12 of the year is almost gone. No time like the present to start doing things I said I would right? It is Chinese New Years after all.

what would I consider romantic?

A single red rose on valentines (yes, the bachelor style)

accent

I don't think I have been conscious of this before, but last night somebody pointed out I speak with a slight accent. It's not entirely noticeable, but it's there. Well I guess my point is not that I have a bit of an accent. It is that I was surprised somebody was actually listening to me in that way. To watch for my mannerism instead of what I was saying... I don't know if that's a good thing or not... lol

dreams

interesting, intimate dreams... that's all

mmmm.... delicious cash....

birthday + chinese new years makes pat very very happy....

Low

Everybody’s talking
But they don’t say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
But why’d you have to go and make a mess like that
Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can’t say that
Here's to show
For all the time I loved you so…
So...

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
Cuz what you did was low

-- Kelly Clarkson -- Breakaway

shutting down

I feel very reserved today. I'm not quite sure why, but I know I'm not all there.

I thought I would have been more excited yesterday. But after 4 hours of work, my enthusiasm was sucked out of me.

Anticipation and hope are a total bitch. I hate how I could anticipate something to happen for so many days, then be not enthusiastic about it at all when time comes. It's totally retarded. It just makes me sad. I am absolutely drained by my rediculous expectations. It's getting to the point where I want to hit myself over the head for thinking so much.

I've been having those dreams lately. So much so that I tried to shorten my sleep time so I would not have them. Now I'm sleep deprived and look like crap. Whatever.

I just.... wanted so much more. It's not going to happen, is it. Everytime when I think I'm getting close it slips out of my hands. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to care anymore. Somebody please tell me how.

This one's for you, econ nerd...

I finished the first test in economics early. I mean it. I took the 1 hour test in about 20 minutes. I walked up, handed it to my professor. He looked up, surprised, and goes "that was fast". I shrugged and replied with a straight face, "yeah I know.... utility". Yeah, he liked that one.

New Evil Empire in the works....

Disney acquired Pixar today for 7.4 billion. Jobs will join the Disney board, and he'll be the largest share holder. Go figure.... a Homestead graduate no less.

Who hasn't done that before?

lmao...

I put on my robe and wizard hat

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little dark

Ok I know the last song I posted was a little dark... It in no way represents my current mood... as my song lyric posts usually are. I just liked the song... a lot. Can't a girl like a good melody?

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

-- Death Cab For Cutie -- Plans

DCFC

I slept through the afternoon with death cab for cutie on.... the weather was fine, sun streaming through my curtains... I'm so relaxed right now.... just have to finish up my homework and watch 24... mmmmm.....

mmorpg

Paying: Everquest, World of Warcraft, City of Villians
Installed: Everquest
Playing: N/A

so, what.... game addict tax?

Changes

I made a few changes over the past weeks to my blog. Largely to make all the links and information more accessible. I'm planning to switch over to this as my personal homepage sometime this year.... so a bit of migration is needed. I am planning to build a real site with some sort of good hosting. Since I'm pretty damn lazy, this will have to do for now.

From top to bottom:

• I've been adding photos on yahoo on a pretty regular basis... check'em out.


• Added the school section mainly for my convenience... feel free to make fun of the classes I'm taking.


• Added more news and opinions sites then I can shake a fist at. I think the only two I really do read regularly are google news and Fareed Zakaria


• Audiology section to highlight bands I like... and to keep track of when they're going to have shows in the bay area.


• More "fun" sites added... notably chuck norris facts and best of craig's list.


• Dine = only goes when parents pay for it, Haunt = self explainatory, Sustenance = mostly things I can just pick up when I'm working.


• I always liked the circles category. I added a few more I've discovered in recent weeks. Yes I do know all those people. And yes I know Aaron Peckham (urbandictionary.com) from school.


• I've cleared out a lot of crap out of the now playing lists. I realize it's pretty meaningless to put up albums I listen to. So I narrowed it down to the 6 CD's I have in my car's changer. Makes more sense to me.


• I will add selections to the rest of the now playing catagories as I move through material.... I'm a bit slow in doing that. The list will correctly reflect current and pass pass ventures.

Enjoy these changes... cheers!

Show and Tell

Just thought I'd go ahead and share some of my English homework here. I was suffering from a severe case of writers block last Friday. Kind of sad, because I only had to write about a thousand words total. That's really nothing.... but considering I had to write about things that I generally don't have an interest in, it's kind of hard.

The class I'm taking is technically a writing class, but it has an emphasis on gender studies. The interesting part is that it is on masculinity. In the first part of the class we are to study the nature of the Western novel. We are reading The Virginian by Owen Wister. The first assignment is to read a few chapters and also an essay [here].... then answer a question on the discussion board.

This is what I wrote....

Tompkins claimed that the Western was a masculine reaction to 19th century feminine, Christian literature and culture with a few important points.

In the 19th century, the social structure for women had been built around the home and church. Christianity and church going had been associated with the feminine. With industrialization, more men had the time to attend to such events with the women of the family. As their social and economical roles in the family deminishes, there was a need for them to find something they can call their own, something to form a
contrast.

The plot of each Western usually place emphasis on extraordinary moments and puts events that would usually be important in everyday life, of family matters, in the peripheral. The notion that men can take matters in their own hands without help is literal, as guns are the ultimate phallic symbol.

The hero of each story is preoccupied with death and dying. It is as if the men who are reading these stories are trying to hang on to the last shread of their dignity.

Women rarely appear in Westerns, and when they do, they are usually in need of help. In reality, women were becoming more and more independant. Men needed an escape where they will always be needed.

Now I see my professor got a pretty big kick out of my writing...

Good response, Patricia. Is "The notion that men can take matters in their own hands without help is literal, as guns are the ultimate phallic symbol" your joke or Tompkins'? (I can't find it in the text.)

Randy S.

Funny thing is, I was being serious. Hey better then nothing I guess, since the responses he's been giving most people are just little pats on the backs.

Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
that God himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true, it may seem like a stretch
but its thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
when I am missing you to death
when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

they will see us waving from such great heights,
"come down now", they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now", but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat it sounded thin
upon the sending
and that frankly will not fly
you will hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
when this is guiding you home

they will see us waving from such great
heights,
"come down now", they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now", but we'll stay...

-- The Postal Service - Give Up

Discoveries

So you mean, that cushy thing is call a.... bed? And it's for.... sssh... ssssl... sleeeeping? It's all so new to me....

My new rig is beautiful....

*shed tear of joy*

Progress?

Well my desk is clean.... somewhat.... all the stuff migrated to my bed... lol. I did switched over to the SRX400 today. I'm glad my mom likes it. I was planning to do a bit more organizing of my desk and close up my rig and what not..... but I've become way too enamored with how fast this thing is..... *drool* I like it, I like it a lot. So much to do.... hahahaha.... I want to surprise a certain individual that doubts I can get my room in some sort of order by next week. Hell, it's only 8:30... I can get some changes done....

Happy

I've been in a pretty good mood all week. I've done so much. There's a sense of satisfaction creeping in somewhere. And I feel loved. That's probably the most important part. To think how hard it was for me to feel that just a few months back. It's strange.

Birthday At BJ's.... in no particular order...

I WIN!

No hangover. Made it to class early. In an unusally good mood. Bowling tonight! woooo!

On my way to hangoverland

It's 4:20 and I've just regain consciousness. I went out to dinner with a good friend from high school last night. He pointed out the fact that he did asked me out back then, I seriously don't remember. He would have made a better boyfriend then any of the assholes I was with back then. But hey, whatever, what is done is done. He did convince me to go downtown for an hour and a half. We had a lot of fun talking to his co-workers (he's a bouncer for SJ bar and grill) and making fun of American Idol while I threw down drink after drink. I ended up with 2 drinks, 2 shooters, and an AMF. Needless to say he had to help me to the bathroom before we headed back home.

I passed out before midnight. But prior to that, I had THE conversation with the guy I've been semi-involved with. We both know it's a horrible idea to be involved in any sort of serious way. It really sucks, but that's the way it's going to work. It's just that he's one of the few people I've ever known that knows how to make me happy. He knows what buttons to push. If the circumstances were different I would be with him in a minute. Well, I would have if he wasn't being an adult about it. I'm glad one of us is thinking for us. On the other hand, I'm really glad I have a chance to let this friendship foster rather then mucking it up with the whole relationship thing. Maybe in a couple of years. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. At least this time I got my position clear. How rare is that...

Inebriation and what not...

My impromptu birthday party at BJ's Sunday night was a huge success. I randomly texted everybody I know and about 15 people showed up. At this point I would like to throw down the gauntlet and challenge the other party being thrown this week to beat that number. The party is so well planned at such a stuck up place it's embarrassing. Some people just think they're important enough for thier friends to throw down thirty bucks for dinner for them. I say pizookie and pitchers of beer all the way, of which I had a bite and a pitcher. I promise to post up the pictures a.s.a.p... cheers! ^__^

Frontin'

Don't wanna sound full of myself or rude,
But you ain't looking at no other dudes cause you love me (uh oh)
So you think about a chance,
You find yourself trying to do my dance,
Maybe cause you love me (uh oh)
So then we tried - we had to slow down
Because you weren't used to how fast we touched
Then we locked eyes - and I knew I was in there
And I was gon' tear ya ass up,

I know that I'm carrying on, nevermind if I'm showing off
I was just frontin (you know I want ya babe)
I'm ready to bet it all, unless you don't care at all
But you know I want ya (you should stop frontin babe babe, yea yea yea

Trying to be the best girlfriend you could be
But still you sneak and look at me, and girl I love it
Then you give your other girl a shove
Tell her you gon' palm her ass like it was
And she's gon love it (whoa-oh whoa)
So then we tried - gotta slow down
Because you weren't used to how fast we touched,
Then we locked eyes - and I knew I was in there
And I was gon' tear ya ass up,

I know that I'm carrying on, nevermind if I'm showing off
I was just frontin (you know I want ya babe)
I'm ready to bet it all, unless you don't care at all
But you know I want ya (you should stop frontin babe, babe, yea yea yeaa)

-- Jamie Cullum -- Twentysomething

It's official

That was the best birthday ever ^__^

And now you're just cocky...

dork =P

something entirely different

This is by far the most interesting birthday I have had, so far... it's only 1 hr 3 min into it. It's gonna be a good year.

cheeky bastard

yeah that's what you are

Torn

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

-- Natalie Imbruglia -- Left of the Middle

Still life

This is one of those nights when I feel all alone and helpless. I have a lot weighing on my mind and yet there's nobody around to talk to. It's ironic how people always come to me with their problems. I am always the "good friend". Nobody is ever really here for me.

I now will sleep. It's friday, I have no class in the morning. I like that.

reason

so my mother got a bit upset at me for not watching tv... i muse as i leaf through freakonomics...

adopt a philosophy....

don't show interest in somebody until that person has shown some sort of interest first... it's not perfect, but it helps

two days

i'm suddenly more optimistic. it will be a quiet birthday for me afterall.

drama

there is a lot more drama in my life then i would like to admit. back to back now things are not going to work out for me as i would have liked. i don't know what to say. it's just that i have found the thing i have been looking for, but then i find out this whole social connotation that is attatched with it. it's just strange. i feel helpless.

his eyes

need i say more?

What would you call it?

What I'm doing that is. I feel a little spun is all. If the circumstances were different would I be more aggressive? Perhaps. But maybe this is a good thing. I'm thinking this is making me a bit more rational. I actually have to think hard before I proceed with anything at all. I don't think I've ever really done that before. Maybe that's the way I need to have it be. The one time I have to force myself to not to rush into anything at all. It's rough. But I think it's worth it. I should go get stuff done.... for once...

Caring Is Creepy

I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.

Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending

All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.

-- The Shins -- Oh, Inverted World

one more week

*sigh*...

Get Your Way

Dinner at eight, that sounds fine,
I suppose that means you'll turn up round nine.
Bought a bunch of flowers, just for her,
She says the burden's on the receiver.

I opened the door and you walked in,
(Sniff) The scent of wild jasmine.
The room, seemed to freeze in time,
My regular table will be just fine.

Radiant and elegant, you might be
But your concentration is so go-lightly
Both of your eyes reflecting the moon,
You really think you own the room.

CHORUS:
So What Game Shall We Play Today?
How About The One Where You Don't Get Your Way?
But Even If You Do,
That's Okay.
So What Game Shall We Play Today?
How About The One Where You Don't Get Your Way?
But Even If You Do,
That's Okay.

Try to pick it up, reading the signs,
It's turning out to be a real good time,
And who'd have thought that entertainment,
Lies in the winter of your discontent.

Now, sit at the table, face to face,
Queen takes pawn, check or checkmate!
I feel your foot brush against my leg,
I'm not that easily led.

You flutter your eyes and you toss your hair,
I have to say that it is kind of unfair,
Let me tell you baby now what's in store,
You win the battle, but I'll win the war!

CHORUS

This has been fun, I suppose,
Although my feelings are all juxtaposed,
But truth be told, I'm as fickle as hell,
But gentlemen never kiss and tell!

CHORUS

-- Jamie Cullum -- Catching Tales

Did I just do that? part deux

I was having a casual conversation about relationships with someone, and the topic quickly turned to us. It's weird, to have somebody see right through me and be blunt about it. Maybe that's what I've been waiting for. It's like one of the few times I have unintentionally started to talk about myself. I seem to have done that plenty... but I usually turn the conversation intentionally. My guards are way down when I'm around him. It's weird. I guess I feel very venerable and safe at the same time.

I'll Never Find Another Love Like Yours

RIP Lou Rawls

Did I just do that?

Yeah I'm pretty sure I did. Whether or not it was noticed is another matter. That's pretty funny because I don't think I would have done that so naturally a few weeks back. There was also a flash of anger attached with it. Maybe I'm finally getting annoyed. Eh, it really doesn't matter anymore I guess. Nope not getting to me. *shrug* hahahahah.... he's such a loser.... it's call taking care of your friends dumbass.

LEEROY!!!

http://www.bofunk.com/video/2181/world_of_warcraft.html

classic...

send off

flawed

People around me are starting to piss me off a bit. Almost everyone I know, including myself, are doing something that is injurious to themselves and/or others in some way. Here are a few things I would like to say to you, try to find the one that applies:

a. Quitting your job may be a good thing for you since it was pretty crappy. I'm not disputing that. I have told you that before. I'm glad you're happier now that you are jobless. But for crying out loud just go tell your friends that you're on unemployment. You're turning into one of those guys that would get dressed in the morning, take your briefcase and sit in the park. That unemployment check is not going to buy you that many strippers. And btw, strippers? That's a pretty damn bad addiction. Go find yourself a woman, you'll be a lot happier.

b. Don't ever start something serious with somebody who appears to only want to take advantage of your kindness. I know you really want somebody right now, but I seriously think she's too stupid for you. Plus you'll never be that asshole she probably want you to be. I know I'm being mean to a level, because I'm comparing all those girls you've been talking about to myself. All I'm saying is, you can do a lot better. Maybe you can hold out another couple of years for that other one that seem a lot nicer. There's competition for you afterall ^_^

c. Even if you wait, the whole age difference thing is going to be a factor. You can't go and think that everything will work itself out. Because it's not. Everything may be cool for the time being. But what is going to happen down the line? Do you honestly think he may feel the same? All I have to say is, don't push it. If it happens, it happens.

d. The way you place yourself at a distance is not normal. The rest of us are becoming a close knit group that can enjoy one and other in any situation. It's a support system we have built and you have time and time again refused to take part. I sense that you are not happy that we had to go around you on some situations. But you've given us no choice. Had you been willing to communicate with us we would have understood the reason behind your choices. We're willing to support you any way we can, but you're just a stranger to us.

e. I'm not telling you to leave her, understand I will never do that. I do have a sense of how serious things are between you two. But you have to start putting her in her place. She needs to know how all these things she is doing is hurting you. I looked at you last night and I got really angry at her for doing this to you. I don't know what her expectations are of you, but do you know? You can't just cave into every need and want she throws at you. She is being unreasonable and inappreciative. You have the patience of a saint. If I were in your place I wouldn't have taken all that shit. So good for you. But don't do anything rash. Remember there is a reason as to why you aren't with those other two anymore. Just find a way to make her see why you're with her at the first place. If she'll peel her eyes open.

f. You have a vulture circling you and you don't know it. That one is waiting for you to get totally broken apart by your stupid reasonings and swoop in. You already know he's no good. Everybody knows that. What are you doing spending so much time with him? You told me yourself that his motives are questionable, and that's the one thing you've gotten right about him. You just watch, he'll be shot soon for the other thing he is doing that you know full well about. He's a manipulative bastard and you know it. I said I wouldn't before, but I'm going to ask you again, what in the hell do you really want? You have this guy that is willing to do just about anything for you and all you're doing is hurting him. Come on. What do you want him to do? You're constantly keeping him at a guess. Are you just trying him on for size? If you are, then you're leaving a good man to waste. All you're doing is pushing him away. I don't understand how a person can be insecure to this degree. I sware you're creating a self fullfilling prophecy. He will leave you because you're too stupid and close minded to see how much he is willing to sacrafice for you. But hey, you never listen to me anyway. I know you're going to start counting the things you are doing for him and he should appreciate it. For one, he does appreciate the things you do. For two, you don't have to do all those things for him to love you. Lastly, love is not about what people do in return of what you do. It's about doing things that you know would make him happy, and be satisfied that you've brought joy into his life. Word of the day is "selfless", go look it up. I do believe that is oppose to "selfish", which is what you are.

So there, got that off my chest....

new year miscellaneous

I've never been big on the whole new years resolution thing. But I think this year I came up with one that's pretty broad, and easy to keep. I have to live life to it's fullest. Just appreciate the moments. Don't be hung up on expectations. As a wise man (guy?) said to me last night, be content with the honest work I do, and be glad for the time I have to spend with my friends. There's no point to pursue anything unattainable. That way I'll be a lot happier. And I've already started.

I had the most wild new years for me ever. Slightly intoxicated but not inebriated. Can't really be after just one cosmo and a small bottle of bubbly. Think I was just high on life. I found myself dancing every which way I liked without being embarrassed or worry about being groped. It's great to be in a gay club. As my friend said, this (the dance floor) was the one place we know neither one of us have a chance with anybody. I got to know his roommate very well too, and I'm glad, because he's a very cool guy. By "getting to know" him I meant I was totally griding against him all night. But the twist is, I was the top and he was the bottom.... hahaha.... I was really giving it to him. I said I should have brought my cowgurl hat. That would have been even better. The Castro at night is totally different then in the afternoon, as I have observed in the past two days. But I feel very comfortable there. It's a nicer neighborhood then most. One more thing about that... Now I'm addicted to the patty melt and potato salad at Orphan Andy's. I'll need to be wean off of it next time I go up there.

I learned a whole lot from work in the past week. I also found that I can be pretty efficient once I know what exactly to do. Do honest work right? I just have to be more focus when I'm there, which I've already started. Keep it up. =) I figure as long as I lead by example I'd have built myself a good support team.

I started the new year getting over the one major crush I've had for the past few months. I guess that has been winding down for a while. I'm glad about it. I don't need that sort of complication in my life anyway. Pursuing the unattainable is pretty pointless and just causes me grief. So I'm not going to bother anymore. I feel so much lighter.

I've made some very very good friends in the past few months. I've made more good friends then the number of acquaintances I've made in the last few years. It's strange to find great friends in this odd-ball group of people. It's great to have somebody that would talk to me and listen to my crazy ideas night after night.

That's all I can think of for now. I actually have a very full social calender for this week... I better be off to it.

Hung Up

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don't know what to do

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you

Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
'cause I'll find my way
you'll wake up one day
but it'll be too late

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

-- Madonna -- Confessions On A Dance Floor

so i had a dream last night....

.... about josh groban.... thanks a helluva lot shawn.... and yes it was a naughty dream.... i'm gonna go and stop blushing now.... so wrong...

My Confession

I have been blind, unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

[Bridge:]
You are the air that I breathe.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?

Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession

-- Josh Groban -- Closer

fresh

I believe a new year should bring me fresh experiences, and I was not dissapointed.

Start to live life one moment at a time.