suddenly

This is the third sudden deaths in the last few years. I hope it really doesn't run in the family. It happened so fast that my dad didn't even made it back to Hong Kong in time. In fact he's waiting to take off right now in SFO. We were just planning for my grandfather's 80th banquet just a few days ago. This has just drained the life out of my dad. It's time for me to step up. I'll take care of things while he's gone. It's time for me to act responsible for once.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Coldplay - X&Y

the void

I feel like I've been screaming out for attention recently. Do I really feel alone enough to embrace drama? perhaps. Maybe I wouldn't have the same feelings I've been having if I lived a more interesting life. I crave the spot light. Every fiber of my being. There's a big void right smack in the center of me that I have no idea how to fill. Maybe it's not meant for me to fill it.

I've been acting in the way the people would expect me to act. In truth, I didn't have to tell anyone anything that is going on with me. But why does it make me feel a little better when I tell people these things? Maybe I just crave the feeling that somebody actually gives a shit about me.

It's ironic. I've learned that I'm actually very good at pushing people away. I have a way to keep people at a distance dispite all the things I blab about myself. It's selective. I don't think anyone truly understands me. I could argue that one person comes close, but even that person doesn't have the whole picture.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, nobody really knows me.

weekend of death and dying

This is probably the worst week I have had in a very very long time. And I hope this will be the last time all this type of shit gets piled on me in this short period of time.

It started with a very long and silent phone conversation, then I broke the bank, and I skipped a few classes during the week. I haven't touched any of my homework and there are four midterms next week.

I had to work way too early on saturday. It didn't stop there. I then drag my tired ass up the bay to end something I felt should be ending in a lot of levels. Then a few infuriating comments made me have second thoughts. I fell asleep crying.

I found out no matter what I do I'll never really make my parents happy.

I think I injured my knee a bit more while I was running this morning.

Then this afternoon we got a call that my grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia and he's on the ventilator. It doesn't look good. My dad has to fly out, as it happens, tomorrow night instead of tonight because he couldn't get a ticket.

I have a 15 hour day tomorrow.

To top it off, my guinea pig died yesterday when nobody was home.

What a bitch of a week.

RIP Spotty...

wtf....

Rocky VI? Rambo IV? wtf is up w/ Sly? is he strapped for cash or is he having a post-mid-life crisis? and all I wanted to see was Indy IV... *sigh*

blast from the past....

LMAO!.... man... I didn't think I'd ever see this again. Just remember this...

Facts:

1. Ninjas are mammals.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

first time

i went to get my very first manicure today... yup... and I think I'm addicted to it already. What I need next time is a massage, manicure, and pedicure... for only 125 plus tip... that's not bad at all.... ummmm... *giddy*

oooooright....

so scooter got indicted.... this is gonna be good... chaney may have to testify... lol... I'm willing to bet there's gonna be a plead deal.

acidplanet

I've finally discovered a podcast that I actually like! woooo. I do like going on a bindge of electronica once in a while... but other then a few artists like underworld, orbital, the crystal method, and oakenfold, I have no idea what else to get into. The carter/farina live at om set gives me a pretty good variety... but I needed more. So for now... I like the ACIDPlanet Electronica podcast. I seriously have no idea what I'm going to get. It's nice to put on the background when I want to get things done.

free coffee

holy crap I have 72 dollars in my starbucks card. that's not good... because those are all "earned" dollars from the 1% cash back on my credit card purchases.... um.... you can do the math....

So I do have a tendancy to emotional shop (as oppose to emotional eat). I've been in a pretty damn bad mood the last few weeks.... if it gets any worse I may go get myself a plasma.... So the amount of money I spend is inversely proportional to my mood. I need to start saving up again... for my sanity sake.

angry customer week

First it was the lady who hasn't heard about her portable dvd, then it was that crazy woman yesterday, then the big ole samsung printer I sold to a bbfb guy last night got returned, then a customer fulfillment order I made last week dissapeared. Fun. I thought I fucked up the paperwork when I ordered it when I didn't see it on rss, and w/ no inbound..... turned out it was stuck in product process in a UPS box. So yeah.... interesting week. At least tomorrow is pay day... wooooo.

My Stupid Mouth <--- my theme song

Yes, I can count at least twice in the last 24 hours when I've said too much. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seriously have no filter in my head. The first thing I said I didn't think of the big picture. I realize I'm very good at misleading people. Immediately after I said it I regreted it. Come to think about it I think the second instance is the same too. geez.... what a mess. Different people, different situations.... and screw them both up the same way. Way to go pat....

exactly what are you looking for madam

So I was ringing up a customer last night, getting a camera, flash card, etc... then the phone rings. I picked up, a lady was asking for a web tv thing. She asked if we have any of those in stock. I asked what kind of details she can give me. She told me it was the msn web tv thing. Fine, I can clearly see it from my vantage point, it was to the right of the bathrooms on the wall. Then I thought, maybe there may be some right by the endcaps. So I looked that way too, and said yeah... we have it.

She then said... did you say right by the computers? because I don't see it. Then I realize, she's that crazy looking lady standing right behind me. Since she was there, I stepped back to see if it's at the location closer to her, which it was not. Then she started yelling: is it your company policy to tell a customer there's a product in stock when you don't have it?!. Then I gave her the "just a second" finger and said I'll be right with her after I finish this transaction. I apologized to the guy, and sent him on his way.

Then I turned around, and she just kept on yelling at me. I didn't say a word. Apparently one of our associates didn't even know what she was asking for. That's because she doesn't even know what she's looking for. stupid bitch. She kept yelling about how expensive it was for her to get a babysitter and drive all the way down here and mess around for like an hour. somebody ensured her that we would have it. Hey if you can afford web tv, and drive so friggin far... you have the money to pay the sitter. If you couldn't find the them thing... then just go home and spend your precious time with your husband and kid.... stop yelling at random people who has no friggin idea what you're talking about.

She just kept yelling at innocent bystanders (e.g. me and isaias... sorry buddy). Melissa happened to walked by and said, "it's not really going to help your situation if you just yell at our associates". Long story short, I grabbed her friggin web tv thing in like 30 second and put it on the counter next to her and walked away. She was stunned. *sigh* some people..... better god damn well figure out what you really want before you start yelling at us. I was about this close to sock her in the face. hahahahahaha....... yeah.

oh SNAP!

My first reaction this morning when I turned on CNN.... Meirs actually had the good sense to withdraw her nomination... wow. I'm totally amazed at this turn of events. If Darth Rove and Scooter are going to get indicted, I'll prob just die from laughing so friggin hard. This is like the biggest hole I personally have seen somebody dig for themselves. Dubya better hope the twins aren't gay.

** edit**
and dubya actually went to the series last night to watch the astros lose... that's so pathetic. and sounds like Scooter's going to take a phatty one for the team in the morning. -- 12 am 10/28/05

pushover

I am such a pushover when it comes to doing stuff I shouldn't be doing. I did ended up going out last night... like an hour after I said I was going to sleep. It was fun.... but I was so friggin tired. At least I didn't have to drive last night. But I should have gotten a drink... I think I'm gonna need one soon. Anyway... got some interesting pictures yesterday. And yes, the new laptop is working out pretty well... maybe I can get my parents to buy it off me so I can get something smaller... lol.... man I hate emotional shopping.

short change

I know I have put someone in a very difficult situation. I hope he really thinks everything through. The last thing I want is for him to short change himself just for me. I don't rightly know what is going to happen next. And I don' think it would be fair for him if I were the only one who makes a decision.

Love is a funny thing. I can barely throw a piece of scrap paper away. I don't know how I can cast aside what I have built with my own two hands for so many years. I was willing to throw my whole future away for it. And yet I have nothing substantial to show for my efforts.

Wouldn't it be nice to know somebody is always thinking in your best interest through their actions. I don't understand how somebody can be so blind to my multitude of misery for so long. So here's the thing, how many more times does my heart have to break before I get what I think I deserve?

more and more

google is evil.... especially if you want to find out more about somebody. i emphatically discourage it. your view of that person may never be the same. interestingly enough though, the things i found that would turn a lot of people off made that person all the more human to me. all of a sudden he seems more approachable. i just want to reach over and kiss him. as if that's possible. ha.

opportunity cost

This carzy little economics concept is always around me somewhere. I guess there's not much more to say about it.

waiting

ummmm.... I decided to go red... and I'm waiting for oh... another 20 min before I rinse it out. I haven't gone red in like 3 years, it's gonna be interesting. I hope this turns out good. I asked a friend of mine the other day what he really thought of me when I went red in high school. He said I looked like I would have f'd him up if he looked at me the wrong way. hahahaha..... Hopefully that doesn't come across at work.... I don't think it's going to be that apparent anyway. Another friend said she wasn't able to see it unless I was in direct sunlight because my natrual color was so dark anyway.

I had a very explicit dream last night. I don't think I can actually post it. It's very specific, and I can't say I didn't like it. I guess I was just really exhausted yesterday to be able to have a vivid dream. I do notice I have a tendancy to have dreams about the last thing I talked about or the last person I talked to. And the covos i had last night was um.... interesting....

mug shot

Out of all the celebrity mug shots, I'm gonna have to say this is the creepiest.
You can argue that Nick Nolte and Jacko are worse, but I beg to differ. Those guys actually look like they were guilty. How exactly was DeLay able to take a mug shot like it was a photo op? That does tell me one thing though... he's pretty dangerous. He got caught, but he knows what he's doing, and how to get away with it. That is probably the creepiest thing of all.

**edit** I had to take out the picture... it was just too creepy

Who is the person you most admire and what qualities do you feel are valuable and why.

The person I most admire really is my Dad. He grew up in the equivalent of what we would call the projects, but only worse. He manged to finish school, which was rare for the people he lived around. He also managed to go to college in Toronto, which is where he met my mom. He's got that can-do attitude that I think I have inherited somewhere deep down. I've never met anyone who is as patient and loving as my dad. He's been through a lot of crap. His jobs had been crappy, the family is messed up, and I'm a certified brat. Well I guess that's enough for me to pull myself up by the bootstrap and try to be more like him.

The deepest blues are black

The sky last night was so velvety black I couldn't help myself but to stop and stare. The air was crisp, and the sky was clear behind the strands of heavy mist. The moon hung round and low the night after a full moon. It's beams caressed me like strands of silvery soft hair. What I would give to have another night like this.

If you had to live without one of your senses, which would you choose?

This is a tough one. I guess I really do take my senses for granted. But if you really want to take one away I think it would be sight. There is a pretty good reason for this actually. Don't get me wrong, it would suck to be blind. But that didn't stop Dare Devil didn't it. (btw both movies sucked) I just value my other senses a bit higher.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that food is a huge part of my life. Not only do I enjoy pretty much any type of dining, I'm also known for my cooking. In fact, I used to cater for my friends' parties. So with that, taste and smell is a no go.

Music is another thing that plays a huge part of my life. I had been a pretty good pianist and a soloist in the chior prior to college, and I do have a pretty sizeable collection of CDs. If you ever look to the sidebar of my blog, then you would see that I have gotten to the point where I am compiling a list of songs I like. You would also notice that it is very diverse. So asking me what genre of music I like is meaningless. Although I am currently on my singer-song writer stage right now. I will definately need my hearing.

Touch is probably the most important sense of all. There are some practical and obvious reasons to keep this, but those are not my reasons. There had been a few times in my life when a simple touch sent a shiver down my spine. There were just instances of just one touch, one kiss that made the whole world around me melt away. Sometimes I feel those are the moments I live for. Just to find that perfect moment, the one touch, the one kiss. It's one of the little things that is worth living for.

So yeah, that would leave my sight... and since I'm practically blind without my glasses or contacts on, I kinda know how it feels already. It sucks, but it's the least important out of the process of elimination. So there... I hope this satisfies ^_^

think i'm over it

There's really nothing much to it.... I had some talks reguarding him... and I don't think he's even gonna be worth it. He'll probably make a good friend, but hey... probably nothing more will come of it. So yeah I think I'm over it.

A conclusion of sorts

Recently I had a very interesting conversation with an old friend of mine. We haven't seen each other in years, and yet there are things that we still agree on. Most of which are about the men we're interested in. The following took place after I told her what he had just said to me, of which I'm still not sure if the comment pertains to only me or for a broader group.

Me: ah well
Me: he can be such a prick sometimes
Her: lol
Her: aw
Her: yeah he looks like he has a bit of asshole in him
Me: a bit?
Me: lol
Her: y would u wanna be with an asshole anyway?
Me: good question
Me: i'm trying to get over it
Me: i need a patch or something
Her: haha
Me: it's addictive
Me: cause literary assholes are so much more interesting
Her: yeah i know what u mean
Her: like..
Her: there's this one guy...
Her: i've had a crush on him for like the last year...and not b/c he is smart, and good looking, and sweet....but b/c he is single and is content with it
Her: it makes me want him all the more
Her: lol
Me: you know what, i think you might be onto something here
Her: ?
Me: hum...
Me: it's all because he doesn't want a relationship
Her: yes!
Me: it's like a challenge
Her: and his excuse is that he's busy with med school
Her: pshhh lol
Me: lol
Me: yeah rite
Me: maybe he's a clothset case
Her: and he is so good at teasing....like, i used to talk to him for hours online...and he seemed interested in me...so when i found out that he didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone, i kinda stopped talking to him so much...and now, he's always trying to start up a convo with me
Her: i hate men
Me: yeah, they suck

on my mind

I've had this one thing on my mind for a few weeks now. Maybe I'm approaching it wrong. I don't know if I should go through with it. I don't think my success rate is too high. It just seems so hard to forge a way into this issue. I simply don't quite know how to approach it. I know I've been too obsessed. Gah... just forget about it. Seriously.

Somebody said something about it today that made us laugh so hard I almost let it slip. I guess I really don't want this whole issue to go away. Maybe having this issue seemingly eating at me makes me more visible. Maybe it makes me seem more human.

still awake

I know it's only 8:40, but I've been up since 6 am. The meeting was.... umm.... interesting. Since I usually close, I haven't been to any of the morning meetings. It was fun to just sit there and listen. Althought I could have used a little less interruptions from a certain person from leadership. I could have used that lost time at the gym...

I still got my 3 miles in today. In my new Geek Squad t-shirt no less. I can be such a loser sometimes. I think with the knee brace I actually cut about a minute from my time today, which is always good. Think I lost another pound since like friday... so that puts me less then 2 pounds away from losing 20. I feel better.... but I can do even better.

The first half of the time I was at work today was slow.... very slow.... and people really need to talk about the basket before they even try to hand it off to me. The second half was even worse, because I was pretty much the only one there ringing people up. I'm starting to get the stacking thing down. Ring up a customer, have another fill in the CPO, answering the phone, and talk up the sale at the same time. I did that a few times. Sometimes I could have used a bit more help, but I don't think we really anticipated so many ring ups at 6pm. Point is, I'm learning. I get something new everyday. I get different situations created by customers. I get different shit from people I'm annoyed at. At least with some of my peers I get to talk to them about it and see if the situation gets corrected. The problem is when it happens with leadership. ummm.... maybe I'll go talk about it with sombody after i finish my law readings.... bleh.

23 More Questions....

Thank you for submitting.... I'll get to it ASAP. And thanks Artemis for #2-23... that really is gonna take me a while...


If you had to live without one of your senses, which would you choose?

1. who is the person you most admire and what qualities in them do you feel are valuable and why
2. whats your take on "Western" attitudes/values in conjunction with the rest of the world
3. who or what do you think you will be reincarnated as and why?
4. if you were a man for a day what would you do with yourself?
5. Would you ever go on vacation/a bar by yourself?
6. Would you move to another country?
7. Would you move to another continent?
8. Would you eat a live cricket for $500?
9. Would you ever "take a bullet" for someone?
10. What magazines do you (or if you don't, would you) read regularly?
11. What hobbies do you enjoy most and why?
12. Is there anything that would prevent you from being fair or standing by your morals/standards/values?
13. whats the craziest thing you'd be willing to do/have done?
14. what do you think your purpose is here on earth..why are you alive?
15. what toothpaste do you use
16. how many states/countries have you been to
17. do you play any musical instruments
18. how would you explain sex to your children
19. your turn-ons/turn-offs
20. your fave curse word
21. book and movie you most relate to and why
22. age girls and boys SHOULD be losing their virginity

wisdom

I've been so brain dead lately I have no idea what I'm talking about most of the time. My reaction time has gotten a lot slower. Although I did come up with a good one this week. A co-worker tells of a customer who was so ticked off that he said, "no i don't need any help, if anyone else ask me another question I'm going to leave the store." He replied that he was only doing this job. I told him he should have said, "May I say goodbye to you sir?"

I think maybe the pressure is getting to me a bit, or maybe I've just let myself go a little. I've been so self-involved lately that I haven't even picked up a newspaper. Maybe I just didn't care anymore.

The most liberating thing I have done lately was to go to the mall, with my ipod, and a tall latte. I love spending time with myself like that. Shopping to my own soundtrack. It's different. I miss being by myself.

I haven't been able to watch tv either. I taped a couple of shows to watch with my mom, but other then that I don't really care. The priority has come down to school, gym, work, and everything else. It sucked to have my priority turned upside down. So yeah... I better go to the gym now.... and work later.... and finish my homework tonight. *sigh*

rain

It finally rained last night. I didn't hear it nor felt it, but I left the window open so I everything in my room smells like rain. It's one of the best things in the world. That mixed with a lavender candle. I should go find a lighter and clear a spot on my desk.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?

I sang your songs I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting

Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?

- Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

the damage...

... a grand total of $357.97... hey not bad....

brunch:
- 1 tall latte - ($2.45 - but doesn't count cause i get free coffee)
- 1 egg bagel - $.79

Shop:
- 2 print tees from Aeropostale - $27.06
- cell phone charm from Claire's - $3.79
- 2 BBV shaping demi's and 3 BBV bottoms from Victoria's Secret - $124.49
- 2 tins of tahitian vanilla chocolate caramel and 1 tin of dark chocolate expresso bean from Cocoa Bon - $9.45
- 1 small wallet from Coach - $41.14
- 2 tubs of papaya lip butter from The Body Shop- $9.17
- 1 pair of perfect fit jeans from Gap - $53.58
- 1 8 oz. lavender shea soap and 3 1 oz. tubes of shea hand cream from L'Occitane - $34.64
- 4 exfoliation (various parts) tools from Sephora - $33.29
- 1 Lavender jar candle from Illuminations - $20.57

.... ummmm.... that felt good....

a good day....

... starts with only one class in the morning (the one I'm good at), a really good cup of latte (for a change), a warm egg bagel, a 4 hour (wallet draining) shopping trip with a good soundtrack, a 3 mile run, and 300 crunches. So what did you do today?

soundtrack of me

Come to think of it, I used to have a soundtrack for everything I do. I don't really have a theme song, but I would have moments where I think a song would fit really well. I don't remember the one I used to have in high school, but I think it's time to start a new one. I'll just throw it in the side bar like everything else, take it as my favorite songs list ^_^

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

- Howie Day - Stop All The World Now

delayed....

sorry for the delay, this took a little bit more thought... here's my answer to:

If you didn't have ANY realistic limitations in the world (no chance of failure and millions of dollars) what would you be doing differently ... in your relationships with others/your career/your various endeavors/etc etc.....

Ok let's just say I've only recently acquired this fortune, because if that had happened before, then I'd be a totally different person. So with regards to:

1) Relationships with others:
I probably would still treat everyone the same as I had before, but I now can afford to be more generous. I would have a lot more toys for them to envy over though. I've always maintained that there is a direct correlation between the amount of material goods a person possesses and their status as a bitch regardless of how nice they are (e.g. Barbie is an uber-bitch, whereas I currently am way less of a bitch then her). So I guess I'd be a bit of a bitch.

2) Career/School/etc.:
I still would be in school and at my current job. First of all, I don't treat school as the huge dreaded thing that I have to do (although sometimes it does feel like it). I like going to school just because I like to learn more. (Grades may not be the most important to me... maybe that's the problem there... but that's another topic) In fact, I participated in a lively debate regarding a tort in my business law class this morning, maybe it had something to do with the can of red bull I was cluching in my paws.

Career wise.... well I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I do love my job. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that you could find me at my local Best Buy store at least 3 times a week prior to my employment. To illustrate that point, take yesterday as an example. I went into the store looking for a new mouse because I have abused my old one for the last time. I ended up with a great deal on a nice new one, and I also hauled 8 CD's, 6 movies, and 1 tv series. This feeds my addiction to collecting a huge bunch of toys quite nicely. And yes, if I didn't work there, I still would have gotten that amount of stuff.

On a stretch, maybe I would have gone into philosophy and law instead of CS and buisness. Afterall, those are the only classes I was ever really good at other then a few literature classes. So, maybe the whole english major thing would have been a good choice afterall. Guess I'm 5 years late.

3) Various endeavors:
I definately would travel more. I would take a long road trip, car and/or train, and I would travel the world. I would do the "discover your country" thing. I would spend months in various parts of Europe. I would take my friends to Hong Kong, and spend time with some family. I would go everywhere. I would write all about it, and I would take lots and lots of pictures and post it for all to see.

I'm a cross between a Status Buzz and an Entertaining Buzz (I'm not all that responsible), if you people at work haven't figured that out already. I would have a lot of toys. Not that I don't have a bunch already, but in economic terms, I have unlimited want. One of my goals this year is to acquire all the toys I have on my list (please refer to sidebar). It's a drug I can't refuse.

I would go ahead and get a new house for my parents, and I would take over the place we have right now. I kid you not, I love this place. It's in a great location, and it's just big enough for me. I think I would remodel it a bit though. New stuff everywhere. I just want to be comfortable.

I can't think of anything more for now, if I do, I'll put it down.

technical difficulties

the card i installed last nite was unstable as hell... i ended up putting the old one back in, and let my rig rest for the night.... soooo..... that was a lot of wasted time... I ended up just elevating the router... great.

For you Mario fans there.....

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/734/

equipments

Ok I finally got that damn wireless adaptor to work, but the connection is a little bit volitile. For now I have pulled out my box, away from the coils of wire I have under there. I guess that didn't really help... lol. Oh yeah I'm charging my new mouse too. Come on... hurry up....

weapon of choice

LMAO! The first video Jobs shows on the video service is Weapon of Choice.... I think I have the gift of foresight.

New pictures!

here

Wednesday

My iPods shuffle function seemed to have declared today as John Mayer Wednesday. Couple of songs that really fits my current state of mind. Very interesting indeed.

I'm debating if i should go to the store today to get a new mouse and a few CDs. Although my financial state still permits in the aftermath of my splurge, this is probably going to hurt. I do want a rechargeable mouse at some point, preferably a nice one for once.

I recieved a very interesting question this morning. If you didn't have ANY realistic limitations in the world (no chance of failure and millions of dollars) what would you be doing differently ... in your relationships with others/your career/your various endeavors/etc etc.

I'm going to have to think about that one.

My Stupid Mouth

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the
salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just
slipped out and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?

Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

- John Mayer - Room For Squares

trauma and a few thoughts

There are a few things in life that ever wounds me as much what has been finalized today. On one hand I'm glad it's finally over with. On the other hand, it's truly over, and I've wasted the best 5 years of my life. There are some things that I have salvaged from it, but none of it is satisfactory. I act like there's nothing is wrong, and I've even lied about it. Everything had turned for the worst for me for 4 long years now. It was like a train wreck, I couldn't stop it. I just watched myself slide. It just kept getting worse. Until today. It's finally over. I have a direction now. I will finally get the things I want with just a little bit more hard work.

I often wondered what would have happened if I never got into CalPoly and went to UCSC instead. I was ready. I picked out which dorm I wanted to be in. I was going to enroll in Stevenson and become an English major. I didn't care that it doesn't put me on the higher salary path. I wanted to just read and think. I would have been different. I would have became a vegetarian, hang out at the beach, and be at home most weekends. I certainly would not be where I am now. I certainly would not have learned any of these life lessons. I hesitated to send in my letter of intent by one day, and got into the CS program at Poly. Instead of growth I got isolation and despair. I should have left a long time ago, but I was afraid to dissapoint. I wanted to impress. But I failed. I failed myself on the day I decided to choose what other people wanted for me instead of what I wanted.

It's time for me to move on.

drawn

The more you find out about someone, the more drawn you are to him. All the weird tidbits I have gathered about him of late should in theory make me more distant. But I'm intrigued. It makes no sense to me. It has every indication that it is a disaster in the making. So. I should try to just stay way. It will be easier said then done. I'll just stop blabbing about it to a select few who knows, and you guys just leave me alone on this one. And if you're reading this, which I am almost certain you are not, I hope this feeling passes and I can get back on track of my shattered life.

Photo Album

Ok I finally got my account on yahoo set up. So here you go ^_^

photo album

so yeah

CalPoly hates me and decides I'm not worthy of the BS. So screw 'em. I've had enough of their bullshit. I went to see a counselor at DeAnza today to see what I can get, it took a lot longer then we both anticipated. So here's what I need....

1) For an AA in CIS: I need one more PE type class. Apparently taking bowling was a good thing for me, because now I only have to take a non-activity class. I also need a ICS class to make myself culturally diverse... yeah. Then I'll have to go over to the CIS department with copies of the catalog relating to the classes I have, then petition for getting the equivalent credit for classes. Then... I get to take whatever is left to take for it.

2) To transfer to SJSU: We had a hell of a time trying to figure out what classse really counted. I had my math and speech done. I'm still not sure if admission is going to count the 1A I took here or the friggin writing class at poly. If the order of which I took it is a problem, then I'll petition for it. The thing is, I have a letter saying I don't lack it. sooooo.... I need to make sure it works out. The other thing was critical thinking. Here's the thing, I got a C- at philo, but I have the tech writing class that somehow was on track as a crit thinking class the year I took it. They tell me to go make copies of the catalog and send that in for consideration. It "should" work, I hope they'er right.

I'm not going to have much a problem filling up the social science stuff. My american history class should check out. I'm going to take a couple of econ classes anyway, and that would fill up the units easily. And to round up my GE's I'll have to take a health class or something to that effect. Which would be the same one for the AA.

As for the major, I'll just go ahead with my planand take the ones I need for it. So it's the 3 accounting classes, business law, the two econs, finite math, writing 1B, and maybe a stats class if they don't take my engineering stats to transfer.

So that's it. Yeah.... looks pretty simple.... rite.

oh yeah, the crazy cats

This one is for Tim ^_^

bleeding from my wallet

I bought a whole bunch of random stuff today, it does include a couple of medium ticket items....

We finally had the 4G white nano in stock, so I got one for my dad. Just so happen this was the day I decided to just suck it up and buy myself a new camera. soooooo.... yeah it hurts.... a whole lot. With all the new gear I also went ahead and bought a 7 port usb hub. I was getting tired of bending over everytime I had to switch a device. I also got a flash card, a flash drive, couple of movies and a CD. So yeah.... I'm bleeding out..... At least my mom paid me back on the nano. I think I've just spent my next paycheck.

Oh I love the camera, and I took a pretty good picture of myself ^_^ I think I'm finally starting to look better in pictures. According to my tracker if I lose another 4 pounds I would have hit the 10% weight lost mark. That actually doesn't seem that far away assuming i'm still doing the right things. I have been losing at least 2 pounds per week. This week may get a little crazy though, I think I'm going to hit it from the cutting calories side. More shakes for me it is.

time to stop for a moment

I think it is finally time for me to just stop with my little obsession. Although the fact that i am writing about it doesn' really help. But this absolutely has to stop. It is taking way too much time away from the things I actually have to do. Not good. I mean, I have been through this before, and it never works out the way I want it. It is even worse that I am at a difficult position to start with. If this gonna happen, it's not going to start from me.

Ok, well this week is going to be a mad house for me. There are at least 3 midterms, a few quizzes, and I have an extra 45 minutes on my schedule. I still have not missed a class yet, it's a record for me. It has been so damn tempting though. At least that is one of the few things I have managed keep up with.

I've been so out of it. I can't remember all the things I have to do for school. I guess it's time to move back to my old organization system. That seemed to work. But this time I will have to remember to actually do the items on the list.

I haven't been eating much lately. As a matter of fact I am starving right now. Too bad I'm in class. I did't have a red bull this morning either. Anyway, I've lost another two pounds this week. Now I'm officially under 190 in like 3 years. It feels pretty nice. I actually feel better.

This Left Feels Right

I love it when there is a different interpretation of a thing that is popular and widely accepted. Jon Bon Jovi has never been sexier in this a acoustic set of old favorites. Ballads such as Livin' On a Prayer, Bad Medicine, Bed of Roses, and It's My Life takes on a new life. There is an especially haunting interpretation of Wanted Dead or Alive. It just feels like that is the way it should always have been.

still up...

Yup it's almost 2:30 am and I'm still awake. I've been trying to read my business law book all night. I ended up google-ing random stuff. I found a couple of interesting things though, and I'm still pretty excited about it. I hope that lasts.



I added some more random facts on my profile. I wonder if people actually read that... haha.



I'm pretty satisfied with my playlist so far, I think I'm on only the 53rd item. It's nice to know I actually do like some of the stuff I collect.



I haven't opened a newpaper in like 2 days, everything is so depressing. I've stopped watching cable news also. All those talking heads are just pissing me off. I need things that are more substantial. Maybe I'll just leave it on CNN Headline News. Quick facts are so much better then long winded, self rightous commentaries. Better yet maybe I'll get back into the habit of watching the Daily Show.



On a random note.... I went to two very different concerts in August in 3 days. Interesting to note the one I went to prior to that was the BFD of 2001. The first one I went to was Maroon5, with Phantom Planet as the opening act. I had no friggin clue as to how everyone in the venue knew the lyrics to California... until I saw the ad for the OC a week later. It was a good song... if it wasn't attatched to a crappy ass tv show. I was surprised to see how many little girls were at that particular concert. Or should I have? I don't know, I doubt they even know what some of the lyrics mean. Everyone, and yours truly, wailed along. But for some instances with the kids, it was like listening to an old lady singing a Tom Jones song. I tried to take a few pictures with my cell fone, and I have one of them as my screensaver on the fone. You wouldn't be able to see anything but flashing lights, but hey, it's fun to boot. I also have a recording on my answering machine of "She Will Be Loved", I play it back once in a while. If I thought that was a good concert, then the Journey concert truly kicked ass. It was a totally different crowd, the people were so much older. I was obsessed with Journey for a while, and the whole thing was just awsome beyond words. Now I know what it feels like to hear 15k people singing "Open Arms". The only thing is, I wish I could have gone with somebody who was as moved by the music as I have.

music

It is so hard for me to find music that I just plain love. There may be a song here and there that I would like to hear, but to find entire albums that I like is so hard. There are a few right now I have put on a loop:



1) In Your Honor - Foo Fighters

2) X&Y - Coldplay

3) Songs About Jane - Maroon 5

4) Twentysomething - Jamie Cullum

5) Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

6) (Blue Album) - Weezer

7) (Green Album) - Weezer

8) Make Believe - Weezer

9) White Ladder - David Gray

10) This Left Feels Right - Bon Jovi

11) For The Ride Home - Josh Kelley

12) A New Day at Midnight - David Gray

13) Cracked Rear View - Hootie & the Blowfish

14) Room for Squares - John Mayer

15) Heavier Things - John Mayer

16) Greatest Hits - Journey



Considering this is only 209/2146 songs from my library, I think of this as a few.

one more guideline...

There is one more thing I do look for in a man, it's simple, but somehow hard to find. Financial stability and maturaty will be great. I do have a bit of a scale though:

1) I will only date a guy who has the means to take care of himself
2) Marriage will only occur when he can take care of me too (but I don't plan on relying on it)
3) I will not have children with him until #2 has been achieved and there is also a comfortable buffer

So there, I'm picky like that, but I deserve it. And one more thing, I will only sleep with someone who has achieved #1 and has a good potential for #2. I do have a bit of principles sometimes. By the looks of it, I'm going to be lonely for a while.

cycles

1) sleep cycle - an almost non-existance and yet persistant part of my life

2) indoor cycle - i don't think i'll make the 8 am class at this rate... dammit i really want to use my shoes

3) cycle cycle - no reasons to be alarmed, the prolongedness is prob due to stress and item #1

4) relationship cycle - i think i'm on the bottom point right now... start fresh?

a matter of throughput

To maximize efficiency mechanically, the amount of input must never be higher then the output. To optimize a result, one would want the output to be significantly greater then the input. So here's the thing. What is the minimum amount of food (and what type) can I eat so that I would have enough (or more) energy/concentration to do school work, work out, and work? Somehow I feel a Red Bull can be thrown into the mix, but it probably is not a good idea in the long run. I guess I have to just find some way to keep my matabolism high at all times.

If Bill Gates votes for Pedro....

all your wildest dreams will come true.

Still

I'm way unto the foo fighters right now. The whole new album is just awsome. Just feel like a lot of their songs spoke to me. Anyway....

Looks to me there may be a bit of a shake up brewing. It's going to be interesting in the next couple of weeks. Enough said.

I know I said I would sleep early, but I didn't do it until 2:30. That was really smart. That's what I get for getting back on AIM. It doesn't own me dammit!

I got my new nightelf up to lvl 6 in like an hour. This whole gold farming business is going to be interesting.

here's the thing...

I tried the proactive thing, and that didn't seem to work. I'm going to just ignore the whole situation, and keep a bit of distance. Just stop obsessing, except for when I write about it. Yup, that's it. It's taking enough of my time and energy as is. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. I've already passed the ball last night, now let's see if it gets passed back.

essay

I'm actually considering to enter an essay contest. The topic: "Is the United Nations Fulfilling its Mission?" That is one of the most broad topic for an essay I've ever seen. The naive answer would be yes, and list all of it's accomplishments. But of course the answer is no. If the mission has been fulfilled, then what in hell do we need the UN for? hahaha... Yeah writing something like that will fly. I have a bit of time, it's due in March. I guess I'll just do some research on my down time and keep expanding and revising. Hell it's only 1500 words.

talk is cheap

I've had several fairly interesting conversations yesterday. If I get into the details then I'll get killed. For some reason I've become a big hub of what's on people's mind. I got to hear about drama to fetish from my oldest to newest friends. Suffice to say it was all very interesting.



People did ask about me, but I was a bit sparse on the details to some. And no, I still don't know if it's over yet, that really depends on what is happening on the other side before I finalize. It sure feels like it though. I think I'll be left hanging for a while, because it seems there are absolutly no progress on the new project, and there are no improvements on the old one. I could go ahead and start another one, but what's the point, two is enough to keep me occupied enough to not sleep.

drifting...

The one morning when I decided I really should just go to class rather then bending to my sleeplessness, the class got canceled. What exactly does that say about my luck? I don't know, this might be a good thing, it does give me time to do some things I should have done yesterday. It's an interesing thought though, that there is some sort of karma involved.



I don't think I've had enough sleep for about a week now, and I'm skeptical that I'll get too much more for the rest of the week. I do have a few tests coming up next week, so I'd have to start preparing for them. My work schedule for next week is pretty much the same, just got 45 min more then this week. I think I'll be ok with it. It's just that I have 2 tests on Wed and 1 on Thurs. Maybe I should just go ahead and cancel the WoW account, I haven't even had a chance to touch it, and I don't see it coming for a while.... eh.



Going to the movie last night was probably a bad idea, but I really did enjoy the film. There are so many elements that were inspired by other movies. All the dialogs were typical Joss, but it was a hell of a lot darker then the show itself. I'll probably pick it up later when it comes out, but I'm glad I actually got to see it.

time

i think i've wasted enough time for now, time to get serious and really get something done. i'll start off with some actual sleep ^_^



oh and Serenity was really really awsome....

random stuff i didn't upload on 10/4/2005...

10/4/2005



pre-law



i got thinking last night, how would i have faired if i were pre-law. I guess i did worry about the pressure, but i might have also enjoyed it. It's an interesting thought none the less. The only classes i have ever done well in were the logic, ethics, and mediveal philosophy classes. I suppose iths too late now, i've wasted so much time already. I just have to pick something and stick with it. Something for me to keep in mind though.



Sleep



i haven't had enough sleep lately. There is really no reason as to why i would not go to bed early. I haven't really been doing any of my homework at all.



yesterday was interesting. Lack of sleep, snoozer of classes, line for ID, two books from aidas [seem to have lost concentration at this point...]

i waste my time, wasting yours

so what do i do when i get free wifi and free coffee refills? not homework for sure.... man, today was productive indeed.

another dream

I had another one of those dreams again last night. I'm actually a bit surprised because I didn't get that much sleep at all. In fact I'm pretty dead right now. This dream was a little bit weird, but somehow familiar. I distinctly recall holding tight onto somebody else I know to try to catch his attention and make him jealous. That is just the most familiar thing to me. That kind of creeped me out. Anyway I don't think I'll ever do something like that again, it just never works out the way I initially hoped.



It's weird, but I think my dreams are coming across a lot more clear then before. Which i take it as it's not just on my subconscious anymore. Maybe I'm just reevaluating my life with this whole situation. I thought about doing it before, but I guess this time alone really gave me the chance to do it.



Here's the thing, I love to be alone and I crave attention, what does that make me?

4 years and a substance abuse problem

It's been 4 long years. It's strange to find myself to be committed for so long. I find distance and monotony a difficult thing on one side, but somehow very liberating at the same time.



I've been told recently that change is a dangerous thing. But what he doesn't know is, I want to change back to the way I was long ago. The old me was able to just let go of all my inhibitions and be who I am. I need my identity back. The only thing is, I need people like him to help me build it back from the ground up.



My interactive substance abuse problem has crept back up. Not too good, but I think I have a good handle on it. I have my priorities. As long as I have this, I wouldn't have half the mind to obsess about other things that are even less healthy.



Speaking of obsession, it was lifted from me for literally 2 seconds, then I was quickly reminded of how it was started at the first place. All I can say is, relax, just be yourself, and treat that particular case just the same as anything else. Maybe I'll get lucky.

this little guy has a lot of live up to

nick cage actually named his son kal-el. i can't say i'm not surprised. I would have thought the mother would object, but hey, she's only 21, what can I say. Just as long as he doesn't go ahead and change his own name to jor-el and talk like brando, then the world would be safe for another day.

from one evil empire to another...

oh and I was surprised earlier... it's so much more clear now... but of course one can never be sure of any individuals Bush nominates to the Supreme Court

complete idiot

Yeah i have my ways of making myself one. I get that way every so often. A bit annoying really. It's probably not a big deal in the long run. But of course it sounds awful to me now. Sounds to me another sleepless night is in the works. *sigh*

if you must know...

In an effort to make my life more or less an open book, I've decided to extensively answer my own survey. I will try my best to update and/or add to it daily.

**Update** I have asked everyone to ask me random questions in order to have something to write.... so the ones with "Q" in front of them are questions posted by my friends.

***********************************************************
************* Questions of the Day *********************
***********************************************************

Q: Is there anything that would prevent you from being fair or standing by your morals/standards/values? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
I would like to say no, but then that would be a lie. But then again I really don't know for sure. I guess there would be times when I cut corners or scheme the scheme to my advantage. But other then that, I don't really see anything that would prevent me to stand by my morals/standars/values.

Q: Whats the craziest thing you'd be willing to do/have done? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
I can't really think of anything off top of my head. But that would actually make a very good question for everyone. What would be the craziest thing you would like to see me do?

Q: What do you think your purpose is here on earth..why are you alive? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
My purpose on earth is to make other people happy. I don't think I believe that before. But I think the way I act kind of showed me that's what I want to do. Or maybe I just crave attention. Who knows if I don't.

Q: What toothpaste do you use. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
Who remembers.... but anything with whitening and minty I'm fine with.

Q: How many states/countries have you been to. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
3 countries, 10 states.... I think

Q: Do you play any musical instruments. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
Yup, piano.

Q: How would you explain sex to your children. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
The way Ms. Cartman did it.

Q: Your turn-ons/turn-offs. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
It's not somthing I can just list. I think it really depends on the person. If I like somebody, then I'll find something of his that turns me on. If I don't like somebody, then I can always find something that turns me off. It just depends on what I'm willing to overlook.

Q: Your fave curse word. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
Fuck. That is in fact the most common word that leaves my mouth.

Q: Book and movie you most relate to and why. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
Bridget Jones? lol.... not because I'm a slightly overweight spinster. Well not the spinster part anyway. Well if you have read the books and know me, you know what I mean.

Q: Age girls and boys SHOULD be losing their virginity. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/20/2005)
I'm going to have to say never. There is no SHOULD age.

****************************************************************
Questions Pending
****************************************************************


****************************************************************

Q: ever made out? haha ....yeah real good one huh.... (10/11/2005)
A: Yes, of course I have, that's a stupid question and you know it... lol (not to discourage stupid questions, I just like to rub this one in). As a matter of fact I was told I'm quite good at it. Plus I qoute a friend of mine, "im not lesbian, but if i were a guy and i weren't kissing you...sigh i'd be missin out ".

Q: ok ok what do you consider a fun first date? (10/11/2005)
A: Ummm.... I always liked the dinner and a movie thing, especially if I don't know him too well. Going on a short hike would be cool too, but I don't think my physical fitness level permits at the moment. Anyhow, I don't rightly know what I would consider a fun first date, it really depends on who I'm with. Ideally we would go do something totally random and wild, and go somewhere quiet and have a decent conversation over drinks.

Q: How many boyfriends have you had?(10/11/2005)
A: As illustrated by a recent AIM conversation:

her: girl you should explore other men
me: true, since i've only had 3 boyfriends
me: two jews and a jackass

Q: Have you ever smoked weed?(10/11/2005)
A: A surprising no. I did hang out at this guy's house one time while he was rolling up in front of his mom a week after the local dealer beat the shit out of him.

Q: What is your favorite color?(10/11/2005)
A: I'll have to say blue. I guess it's a calming color to me. Although the walls in my room are currently purple. Yeah I'll have to stick with blue.

Q: What is your favorite month?(10/11/2005)
A: Hum.... I'm thinking around November. I don't care about the holidays and stuff, it's when it starts to rain. I love taking long walks in the rain, in the dark.

Q: If you weren't born asian, what would you be, and why? (10/11/2005)
A: At the moment I'm thinking French. I love everything about the culture. Or maybe I just have a romantic notion about it. All the history, art, food, and land. I should have learned the language when I had the chance. Maybe it's not too late if somebody's willing to teach me. I will visit within the next five years though. That should be exciting.

Q: If you didn't have ANY realistic limitations in the world (no chance of failure and millions of dollars) what would you be doing differently...in your relationships with others/your career/your various endeavors/etc etc. -artemis (10/12/2005)
A:
Ok let's just say I've only recently acquired this fortune, because if that had happened before, then I'd be a totally different person. So with regards to:

1) Relationships with others:
I probably would still treat everyone the same as I had before, but I now can afford to be more generous. I would have a lot more toys for them to envy over though. I've always maintained that there is a direct correlation between the amount of material goods a person possesses and their status as a bitch regardless of how nice they are (e.g. Barbie is an uber-bitch, whereas I currently am way less of a bitch then her). So I guess I'd be a bit of a bitch.

2) Career/School/etc.:
I still would be in school and at my current job. First of all, I don't treat school as the huge dreaded thing that I have to do (although sometimes it does feel like it). I like going to school just because I like to learn more. (Grades may not be the most important to me... maybe that's the problem there... but that's another topic) In fact, I participated in a lively debate regarding a tort in my business law class this morning, maybe it had something to do with the can of red bull I was cluching in my paws.

Career wise.... well I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I do love my job. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that you could find me at my local Best Buy store at least 3 times a week prior to my employment. To illustrate that point, take yesterday as an example. I went into the store looking for a new mouse because I have abused my old one for the last time. I ended up with a great deal on a nice new one, and I also hauled 8 CD's, 6 movies, and 1 tv series. This feeds my addiction to collecting a huge bunch of toys quite nicely. And yes, if I didn't work there, I still would have gotten that amount of stuff.

On a stretch, maybe I would have gone into philosophy and law instead of CS and buisness. Afterall, those are the only classes I was ever really good at other then a few literature classes. So, maybe the whole english major thing would have been a good choice afterall. Guess I'm 5 years late.

3) Various endeavors:
I definately would travel more. I would take a long road trip, car and/or train, and I would travel the world. I would do the "discover your country" thing. I would spend months in various parts of Europe. I would take my friends to Hong Kong, and spend time with some family. I would go everywhere. I would write all about it, and I would take lots and lots of pictures and post it for all to see.

I'm a cross between a Status Buzz and an Entertaining Buzz (I'm not all that responsible), if you people at work haven't figured that out already. I would have a lot of toys. Not that I don't have a bunch already, but in economic terms, I have unlimited want. One of my goals this year is to acquire all the toys I have on my list (please refer to sidebar). It's a drug I can't refuse.

I would go ahead and get a new house for my parents, and I would take over the place we have right now. I kid you not, I love this place. It's in a great location, and it's just big enough for me. I think I would remodel it a bit though. New stuff everywhere. I just want to be comfortable.

I can't think of anything more for now, if I do, I'll put it down.


Q: If you had to live without one of your senses, which would you choose? (10/16/2005)
A: (10/18/2005)
This is a tough one. I guess I really do take my senses for granted. But if you really want to take one away I think it would be sight. There is a pretty good reason for this actually. Don't get me wrong, it would suck to be blind. But that didn't stop Dare Devil didn't it. (btw both movies sucked) I just value my other senses a bit higher.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that food is a huge part of my life. Not only do I enjoy pretty much any type of dining, I'm also known for my cooking. In fact, I used to cater for my friends' parties. So with that, taste and smell is a no go.

Music is another thing that plays a huge part of my life. I had been a pretty good pianist and a soloist in the chior prior to college, and I do have a pretty sizeable collection of CDs. If you ever look to the sidebar of my blog, then you would see that I have gotten to the point where I am compiling a list of songs I like. You would also notice that it is very diverse. So asking me what genre of music I like is meaningless. Although I am currently on my singer-song writer stage right now. I will definately need my hearing.

Touch is probably the most important sense of all. There are some practical and obvious reasons to keep this, but those are not my reasons. There had been a few times in my life when a simple touch sent a shiver down my spine. There were just instances of just one touch, one kiss that made the whole world around me melt away. Sometimes I feel those are the moments I live for. Just to find that perfect moment, the one touch, the one kiss. It's one of the little things that is worth living for.

So yeah, that would leave my sight... and since I'm practically blind without my glasses or contacts on, I kinda know how it feels already. It sucks, but it's the least important out of the process of elimination. So there... I hope this satisfies ^_^

Q: Who is the person you most admire and what qualities in them do you feel are valuable and why. (10/16/2005)
A: (10/19/2005)
The person I most admire really is my Dad. He grew up in the equivalent of what we would call the projects, but only worse. He manged to finish school, which was rare for the people he lived around. He also managed to go to college in Toronto, which is where he met my mom. He's got that can-do attitude that I think I have inherited somewhere deep down. I've never met anyone who is as patient and loving as my dad. He's been through a lot of crap. His jobs had been crappy, the family is messed up, and I'm a certified brat. Well I guess that's enough for me to pull myself up by the bootstrap and try to be more like him.

Q: What's your take on "Western" attitudes/values in conjunction with the rest of the world. (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
This is the one question that has tripped me up for a while. I wanted to give a long version of this one, but over time I have felt a shorter answer would do. I have been fortunate enough to have lived in both cultures. In many ways I am still submerged in eastern thinking. I suppose it's not something I would lose just because I have been uprooted from Asia.

The main difference between the two cultures is personal centricity. In eastern culture, people are more family centric, where as in western culture, people are more individualistic. As far as I can remember, every achievement I have made in and outside of school had been for holding up my family's name. Although my parents appear to not care as much, I know they had been relieved that I am the least screwed up grandchild in both sides of my family. They made it a point to not really talk about me nowadays I know. I know they still love me, but I know I've brought them down a notch. I'm just somewhat glad my grandparents all thought I was still the best before they passed. Yeah I know that's kind of harsh, but that's the way it works for my families.

Now that I have explained where I was coming from, you can probably guess that it was the Western culture that messed me up. After I came to the states, I did fairly well for a while. But I knew I had been unleashed. I started to put more focus on things that would please me, which is definitely not academics. The whole culture encouraged me to go and do what I really want. To tell the truth, I still don't really know what I want.

So I guess I don't really have a point here. I just wanted to talk about how the mixture of two cultures have messed me up.

Q: Who or what do you think you will reincarnated as and why? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
I always imagined I would come back as a penguin. And yes that was way before the documentary. Don't ask me why because I really don't know.

Q: If you were a man for a day what would you do with yourself? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
To quote one of my favorite movies of all times, "two chicks, at the same time". I'm dead serious.
Q: Would you ever go on vacation/a bar by yourself? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
Of course. In fact I went to the bar by myself last night. I don't feel there is anything wrong with it. I guess I'm just confident. As for vacation, I would love to go by myself. I can't seem to shake friends and family every time I go though. Actually the next time I go on vacation I would love to do it off the grid.

Q: Would you move to another country? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
done and done. Ok I guess I didn't have a choice the last time around. I still might want to do it. I'm really not going to make the call until I have traveled around more and find I place I really like.

Q: Would you move to another country? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005) Again, maybe.

Q: Would you eat a live cricket for $500? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005) No

Q: Would you ever "take a bullet" for someone? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005) Yes

Q: What magazine, news print do you read regularly? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
Newsweek, US News and World Reports, O, The Economist, Foreign Affairs, 2600, The Wall Street Journal, The San Jose Mercury News, The New York Times, The New Yorker, slashdot (if that counts)

Q: What hobbies do you enjoy most and why? (10/16/2005)
A: (12/7/2005)
Shopping. That's because I have a hoarding problem. Knitting, because I get something out of it at the end. Making "mixed tapes", because I always have a sound track in my head. Running, there is no better feeling then to be fully awake and drenched in sweat with a promise of a hot shower at the end. Bowling, more for the company then anything. Cooking, because I like to feed people with my awesome cooking. Reading, because it fuels my knowledge base and imagination. It makes me a lot smarter then my peers. Blogging, because I would like people to know I'm more then what meets the eyes.


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other stuff I thought up
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1) Date and time
- 10/3/2005, 6:59 pm - starting first draft...

2) Full Name: Patricia Wai Yin Leung
Patricia was my parents' neighbors daughters name when they lived in Canada. My mom just liked the name apparently. According to behindthename.com, it is the feminine form of Patrick, and it goes something like this:

From the Roman name Patricius, which meant "nobleman" in Latin. A 5th-century saint, the patron saint of Ireland, adopted this name (his birth name was Sucat). During his youth he was captured by Irish raiders and enslaved, but after six years of servitude he escaped to his home in Britain. Eventually he became a bishop and went back to Ireland as a missionary, where he succeeded in Christianizing the entire country.

Wai Yin, which incidentally is a name of a magazine, means intellect and beauty respectively. Ummm.... I'm not going to make the call

3) DOB: 1/14/1982
A very good year indeed.... I think.

4) Birth Place: Hong Kong
I lived there until I was 10. I liked being in the city, but I doubt I'd ever get used to it again. It's just different. I think I'd like to go visit some time though. Maybe after I get married? Who knows when that's going to happen. I'd love to show it to my kids though... when that happens.

5) Current Location: Cupertino, California
I've lived in the area since I moved to the states, and in Cupertino for most of it. I lived in San Luis Obispo for 5 years for school. It's really beautiful down there, but it gets really really boring. So now I'm home again, it's like a shot of adrenaline for me.

6) Eye Color: Dark Brown
Growing up I realize my eye colors were a bit lighter then my peers. They'er not "black" like most people are, they'er a bit amberish brown. People keep saying I don't look Chinese either. I'm guessing there's some mixed heritage somewhere up the line. Too bad it's pretty much impossible for me to trace.

7) Hair Color: Jet Black... for now
I had a thing for red hair dye for a while. It would look black when I'm indoors (in the classroom), but as soon as I hit the sunlight it would be flaming red. It was nice, but took a bit of upkeep. I think I've learned to appreciate my natural hair color.

8) Height: 5'2"
I think I'm actually average among Chinese girls, which means I feel short. I think I'm even shorter then my parents. Perhaps all that coffee really did stunt my growth, ah well. I did develop a taste for heels though. Not the slutty heels, but like boots with chunky heels and cute sandles. I do have a pair of Madden, but I've stop wearing it after I almost broke my ankle.

harriet the spy

Is he serious? Harriet Miers? wow... that's a big "up yours" to Roberto Gonzales.... can't say i'm not surprised though.

running

I don't think I am particularly partial to running just because of its benefits. In fact, there is a wide array of sport activities I can do to gain the same effects. I like to run because it gives me an hour everyday to just be with myself. The one chance where I can truly tune out the world and just be left alone. I haven't had anything profound produced from those sessions yet, but it is where it would happen if it ever does. There is something fairly liberating about it.

I don't think anyone really understand why I try to push myself so hard. Ever since I came back I have set a few non-negotiables for myself. I make my bed every morning, I keep my desk as cleared as possible, I have to loose weight every week, I have to go to every single class, I will never miss work, I will finally make new friends, I will write more substantial materials, and I will push myself a little further every time I step on a treadmill. These are the bare minimal of things I need to do to just get myself going. There are no way to makeup for all my misgivings. There are just ways to make the best out of what I still have left.

phase

I think I'm in a Cameron Crowe phase right now, time to watch/re-watch these:



1) Say Anything

2) Singles

3) Jerry Maguire

4) Almost Famous

5) Vanilla Sky

6) Elizabethtown

approachable

I get the feeling that there's something genuinely unapproachable about me. Maybe I'm a bit sociopathic. I'm not antisocial by all means, but real friends for me has been far and few in between.



I think somewhere along the way I've learned not to get too attatched to any single person. I've also learned that the only person I can really trust is myself, and I'm not all that reliable at the first place.



Perhaps my requirements have been set too high. I yearn to just sit down with somebody who can have a good conversation with me ranging from Sponge Bob to foreign trade policies over a good bottle of red. For the longest time I thought I had somebody like that. I thought I can fill in some of the gaps. But lately I'm not quite sure.



I want to be with someone who I can run wild with and still have the intellectual capacity to know when to slow down and take care of business. I don't know if that even made sense at all. The truth is, I want it all.



I've made myself so unique that I don't really belong anywhere in particular. It's like I'm trying to make my own niche. I wonder if people can tell me apart from my lies. There's an image of me out there everyday, and then there's the real me. I doubt anyone really knows me at all. I just feel so empty.

sunday.... SUNDAY.... someday....

I think I've discovered my best combination of intake.... half a can of red bull before running, and then finish it afterwards. Seems to work pretty well for me this morning. I think my pace mile is about 4.6, plus the cooldown today I went a grand total of 4.75 miles.... Oh yeah.... one more lap to that elusive 5 miles mark. My legs are a bit sore right now, but I guess that's ok. I think I lost another few pounds, that's pretty good.



I wanted to go see Serenity this weekend, I heard from various sources that it's pretty damn good. *sigh* I'm never going to have time to go watch it. Sucks.



I've been selling pretty well today, a few machines, helped with a platinum plan, got a guy to get a laptop, psp, setup, and 3 accessories. I'm getting there. Maybe I should write on my hand in sharpie next time instead of just ballpoint. I tried.... I just have to hit myself a few times with it. I have only four hours tomorrow, maybe I'll do better then. I'm starting to get there. I only have 20 hours this week though, I was hoping for a bit more. But then I started looking at my business law book and started to think this may not be a bad thing afterall.



The new router I got the other day is working out pretty well for me. I did a whole bunch of downloads since last night until pretty much just now, and it never crapped out on me, so I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like there's so much more to write about, but I guess that's it for now. I need some me time to think about what else to write.

the obvious...

Some studio executives are finally saying that the poor box office showing was due to crappy movies. LMAO...... I've been saying that for a long long time.....

first of the month

Wow, it's october already, time flies. I just managed to put in the new router without screwing up. I think that's pretty impressive. I slept until 9 today, that was pretty late for me. To redeem myself, I actually ran for 4.65 miles, that's a new record. I need to do a whole lot better on my pace mile. I start to poop out at about 35 minutes. I'm thinking I can start my pace at about 2 minutes instead of the 5 I've been doing. As long as I stretch out properly that is. I wonder when I can close in on the 5 mile mark.



My desk is relatively clean right now, but of course that means my bed is sacraficed. There will be lots of stuff to put away. Maybe I can get some of my homework out of the way first before I finish cleaning up. At least my bookshelf is starting to look better, things are actually accessable. When was the last time I can say that? ha.



I was pretty happied that I had today off, I got to run about town with mom. We didn't do anything in particular, just food, little bit of shopping and such. I did have a couple of pretty good meals today, as oppose to my liquid diet yesterday. I got myself a new ring, it's pretty spiffy, I may wear it to work tomorrow. Speaking of work, I need to be careful of my clocking, or else I'll get clocked... *sigh, way too many bad puns*.



It does feel my internet connection is a bit faster.... I like that. Maybe I'll go download something to see if it really made a difference. *grin*