Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

-- Johnny Cash - Unearthed

fly

This week flew by fairly quickly. I can't believe it's past Thanksgiving already. A whole bunch of things have happened since I last wrote. I'm too tired right now to go into details.... but a couple of events from last night and tonight made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

something's missing

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

-- John Mayer Trio - Try!

smitten

I have the urge to analyze as to why I would be smitten with somebody.

1) I would be lying if looks doesn't matter. Looks matter... but my standards are often different from my girl friends. For many different guys, my friends would ask, what exactly do you see in him? I can never pinpoint a physical feature that they can see. Here's the thing, I would rather look at the most average looking guy and know there are something in his head then to look at a pretty face on a idiot. So it's no surprise that the one feature I usually go straight to are the eyes. Upper body strength is good too. I want him to hold on to me tight afterall.

2) No sex for ummm.... many months... drives me up the wall. Well I'm not desperate yet. Well ok I guess that's not a very good reason....

3) Maturity is a big one. By no means I want somebody who is "stick up his arse" mature. Just enough to know better and can take care of himself. It's hard to find somebody who knows how to treat me with respect and be attentive. It's not that much to ask for really. I'm not that demanding. If he would just ask me "how are you doing" or "what's wrong" once in a while then it would have been enough. I'm not that hard to read anyway... I'm either overly chipper or really quiet.

4) Wit and Intellect. It'll be nice for once to have somebody I can talk to about just anything. I love it when a person is totally uninhibited around me. I rarely get offended. And a person that can keep me challenged intellectually is just dead sexy. I mean, how else am I suppose to learn? I hate it that I don't read as much as I think I should, the sad thing is I read a whole lot more then most people I know. Um..... my field is getting a bit narrow.

So I guess I'm kinda 50/50 on the physical vs. mental thing right now.... Although you can chalk a bit of the first part to mental and discount #2 a little.... so lets say it's 70 mental, 30 physical then.

head over feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

-- Alanis Morisette - Jagged Little Pill

it takes me a second to realize....

Sometimes things happens to me that takes me a couple of seconds to register. It happened to me twice yesterday. Once for something I saw. I turned around from talking to a customer and there it was, in my face. It took me a second to register what it was. It was um.... interesting. I had a weird urge to um.... do something to it ... dunno what the hell that was about. The second thing was something a person said. It took me a second to register what he had just said, and it took all my efforts to not to laugh out loud. Actually I chuckled even harder when I stopped myself from saying "me too". Now everytime I randomly think of it I get this mental picture and I can't wipe that stupid grin off my face..... great...

come clean

I ended up cleaning out some boxes in the hallway today... yeah... clothes..... I didn't even remember owning some of those stuff. Well, on the bright side... a lot of the stuff don't fit me anymore and I have to give them away. ummm... it's nice to dress a little more gurlie. I was sorting through some DVDs also... man that took some effort. Now I'm gonna have to clean my desk.... bleh.....

I had probably the best dinner I've had ever last night. My parents decided to take me to Alexander's last night. I ended up with the $125 F0 Kobe steak topped with sliced white truffles. Holy crap the meat melted in my mouth. Afterwards I had a shot of espresso and a dessert trio called a Spice Rack. There was a basil mousse, a curry coconut cake, and honey cardamon ice cream. I think I found a few favorite. That place was definately an "occasion" place. I don't imagine myself going there again for a long long time unless I have a date (so yeah... long long time). It's just so hard to find people that would appreciate that type of food like I do. I'm glad at least my parents do.

my sentiments exactly....

dumb people ruins the fun for everyone..... and who in hell would reenact scenes from WoW? that's just pure stupidity... maybe they're getting what they deserve.... I hate it when parents don't take responsiblity in their failing in being a parent, and they try to blame it on somebody else. Winning this case is not going to make it hurt any less.

will the real OJ please stand up....

Ah... history has a funny little way of repeating itself.

of hardware and nudity

I've found myself working on my computer in the nude for more then three times now. I don't really have any sort of rational on it. I just do. Maybe I'm just comfortable that way. I do have a habit to walk around the house in the nude when I'm alone. So I guess that's when I usually work on my rig.

I was going to be so very productive today, but my new sound card is annoying me. Maybe it's the speakers, because I seemed to have connected the card in correctly. humph.... well at least my wireless card seems to be more stable this time... *sigh*

man... everything is just so blah right now.

a helluva lot lighter i am....

... both physcially and cash wise.... ummm... shopping for new clothes makes me happy.

Always

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

-- Bon Jovi - Crossroads

Friday randomness

I'm bored, unmotivated, and ..... did I mention bored? Anyway I'm working until 10 tonight... maybe I'll go catch a movie or something after. In the mean time... I'm going to clean my room I guess. To the tunes of Bon Jovi no less. Life is Funderful.

p.s. I'm addicted to Su Doku puzzles and I need practice bowling.... maybe you'll find me at Homestead lanes before lunch...

Geek bowling

Last night was awesome. I personally got 4 games in by 12:45. I got a 117 on one game, which is actually really good for me believe it or not. My barely used shoes still fits. I'm glad I remembered where I stashed them, so I didn't have to go get rentals or new ones. I did go ahead a picked up a new glove though. My grip was so much better with it. I can't believe it has been 4 years since I bowled. I think I found my addiction. A somewhat healthy one this time.

I'm really tired. I woke up only after 6 hours of sleep. I haven't been feeling too well. I was remarkably awake this morning. Now I'm dropping off. There are now so much material for me to read. Man I now remember why I hate school. Maybe I'll go bowl a game before I go home to get ready for work... It's a bit too early though. Maybe I'll go get a case of Diet Dr. Pepper before I go..... Ummmmm I miss that a lot....... Ooohhh.... Have to go to the bank too. Dammit now I'm running low on time.

Moment of the week (ok, last week)

Ali received the Medal of Freedom last week. Apparently the man has lost his ability of speech entirely, and his main mean of communication is through hand gestures. At least twice during the ceremony, our wonderful president (*gag*) addressed this great man. When the camera was on him, and for all the world to see, the man was twirling his index finger next to his temple. We all know what that means.....

so Woodward knew...

... Big flipping whoop. People seem to forget how he got so famous at the first place. What I am surprised on though, is that when the story broke, nobody nudged him and went, hey Bob, did you know? Actually with a bit more journalistic integrity... Mother ffff..... G-d dammit Woodward you knew this didn't you.... You f**ker..... So here's my logic, if Novack knew, then somebody wanted everybody to know, and there are no reason in the world Woodward would not know. The more interesting question would be, what doesn't the guy know? We could ask him probing questions, but then he would go and find out, which would defeat the purpose..... Oh well.

recovery

My trainer told me today that my heart rate recovers very rapidly. After all the training I have been doing, my heart is getting a whole lot stronger. I got a letter containing a check and a giftcard but with no notes today. I completely fell apart for about two seconds. My heart is mending itself quickly too. I have had a lot of training.

I am no stranger to second guessing myself. I often approach something logically, concludes the issue, then wonder if I did the right thing. That always gets me into trouble. I just have to be a whole lot more decisive.

rest

I actually had close to 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights. Although I do get really sleepy when I have too much sleep.

I finally got around to weight myself this morning. Despite my insane sugar shock this weekend, I still lost 3 pounds. I am now firmly in the 170s. I'm pretty happy about that. My trainer session got moved today to 3pm. That will give me some time to do some stuff. I think I will go get a trim today on my scraggly hair.

I have a tendancy to buy a lot of stuff when I'm frustrated. I emotionally shop. I spent my whole day out shopping with a friend. I went a little overboard on some purchases, and she's the one known as a shopaholic. I think I trumped her yesterday. I purchased several books, heat wraps for my knee, 72% dark chocolate pieces, lip venom, silvery lip gloss, a breast cancer awareness bracelet, a face chimoise, and the new bra from vickies.

I have had a lot on my mind in the last few days. It was just so hard to keep them straight. I know what I want, and I know it can never happen for a whole mess of reasons. I'll be really sad. So, tough shit. I'll just have to suck it up. I'll just have to handle this in my own way that does not blow everything off to hell. So yeah, stop thinking about it for a little while really helps. By no means I'll give up on the whole idea. I'll just get myself ready for when the time comes that this would be appropriate.

Pride

"A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us"
- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

what I want and what would be wrong...

...are one and the same

Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I belived in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must of been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can be serious if you have to ask me why
I say goodbye...

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out?
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth to price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...

-- Duncan Sheik

karma

I ended up giving viewpoint $200 even for the posters. But I didn't keep chewie. Apparently Mandi's nephew really wanted it, and she wouldn't take it from me without paying at least half. So I guess I ended up with Orlando for a hundred. Ha. We better have a good party.... I had not seen my dad until I got home tonight.... and he handed me things from my relatives.... which included $230. It's karma.... I came out ahead today.

unwind

I think I've been wound up a little too tightly of late. ummmm.... yeah.... that makes me blab a little more then usual.... so yeah. So this weeks lessons are: relax, focus, be prepared for anything, and don't read too much into insignificant things.

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

-- Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

flipsides

Yesterday was interesting. I don't think I have ever done that well the whole time I had been at work, but at the same time I have never had so many screwups. I guess if it were any other day, it would have been my ass. And for every single thing that made me giddy yesterday, there was also something that made me unhappy. I don't think my head was quite there yesterday. There are just so many little things that bothers me, and after a night sleep they hardly seem important. Nobody has to know every details about me. I guess I get a little hyper and my lips a bit loose when I have a can or rock star on an empty stomach.

i r roxorz!

yup.... i rock today... and not just because of the sugar free rock star... it's because i looked real good and i did above and beyond what i was asked.... so there... i roxorz! *tips over... falls asleep...*

why sharing your medication is a bad idea....

Yet another stream of verabl diarrhea from good ol' O'Reilly, he really should stop taking Limbaugh's meds.

Of blogger, myspace, and comments

I have a history of commenting on certain mediums through the medium itself. As an example, in my freshmen year in high school, I wrote a poem about how awful it was to come up with materials to write a poem. My teachers were intrigued and I got an A on the assignment. So I guess this will be no different, except I don't really expect a grade on it.

I have noticed that people rarely present their true self on places like blogger and myspace. Even if they are honest about some facts, they may not be telling the whole story. I know as a fact that I will never tell my whole story on here.

There are also a whole lot of misrepresentation here too. We have a tendency to present ourselves as the person we think we are. But of whom among us really know ourselves that well? I will never claim that.

Things like blogger and myspace exists so we can pretend that we are really deep. But let's face it, the only reason why we keep these pages is because we are shallow and vane. We are all shouting for attention, and want people to focus on the things we want them to notice.

With that in mind, so what is the point of people leaving comments on other peoples pages? I myself left about 10 comments on other peoples pages last night and I have a little bit of insight into the matter.

There were a few different kinds of comments I made last night:
1) To reply to the kindly comments my friends have made to show that I'm actually friendly to an extent. That is done to promote an actual real life friendship and coax more comments from them. After all, I always thought that profiles with few comments are kind of sad.
2) There are a few I left that are pure emotional outbursts. I'd like my friends to know that I think they are awesome and I'm thinking about them. *muah!*
3) I like to leave comments that are derogatory on the surface, but they're all in good fun. I mean, I'm not one to kiss peoples asses. If I consider them my real friend, I'd be truthful to them about how I feel. Which brings me to another topic.

Most comments I found are one or more of the following: fake, ass kiss, retarded, stating obvious.

Friend of mine and I were discussing about a picture she found on somebody's profile the other day. Apparently she was bent over in a um.... 'sexy' pose. The comments were something like, "hey you sexy beast", "wow that's hot". I really hope there were hints of sarcasm involved. Because from what I understand, she was presenting an image of, what we people who goes to Ren Faires refer to as, flapjacks. All I have to say is, be careful of what your friends tells you.

I saw a comment the other day which said something like, "you're one of the most intelligent person I've ever talked to". Which to the commenter's... ummm... negative... credit, saids a lot about the people she hangs with. So back from my tangent... What would prompt somebody to make a comment like that? It seems obvious that the commenter does not know the commentee too well. However well intended the commenter was, it seem a bit like ass kissing. Maybe the commenter was trying to gain the commentee's favor for one reason or another. But I don't see a real reason for it, unless the commenter was trying to get into the commentee's pants. Which brings me to another random note. It really doesn't matter how intelligent the commentee is, if he doesn't have good looks, a car, cooks, clean, and be really good in the sack (perhaps all of those at the same time... don't ask me how), he's still not going to be appealing to the commentor. So what is up with the intelligence comment? Does it mean she doesn't care about all those other things I have mentioned? Of course not.... It just means she's the kind of person that has the opportunity to leave similar type of comments on many many other people's page.

end of school week bloggage

Just a few observations from last night to this morning:

1) The one thing I know I don't miss is to have a nose bleed in the morning. I was by the sink this morning, grooming, when I looked up I realize my nose was bleeding like a woman finding out she has a brain tumor on some cheesy TV show. I hate having the taste of my own blood in my mouth all day long. One of the major side effects is to have a headache all day long. I hate being sick.

2) A small tube of pink, shimmery lip gloss can make my lips very very kissable. I'd kiss me. Oh wait, how do I get lipstick off my mirror? Dammit...

3) bikini wax = no fun... Especially when I do it myself. I can barely sit down. But at least now I don't have to dodge around when I change in the gym.... Hahahaha.... Which brings me to another point....

4) $10 panties and $50 bras are totally worth it. When I was folding my laundry yesterday, my mom commented on how she can't believe I paid $10/pair of low rise bikini from vickies. It's not that hard to believe really. I just like to treat my ass nicely once in a while. It's a small price to pay for no panty line and nothing sticking out of my jeans.

5) where DID all the good people go? Yeah that's a good song, I miss hanging out in my car.

6) I've been pretty lazy yesterday, pretty much the only thing I got done was laundry..... Which in itself was quite a feat.

7) Manicures are awesome, but it's only worth the money when I have somewhere to go and people to see. My nails are also really hard. So if I scratch it down someone's back it will probably draw blood. Not that I can test out my theory....

8) I randomly watched an episode of WPT the other day. Why can't all players be as sexy as Gus? Haha...

sometimes....

I am arguably one of the more intelligent people I know.... but I have my moments. It was real smart of me to go get a sandwich which features raw jalapeno peppers when I'm still sick. To top it off, that place doesn't give you water anymore. Good thing was, I had water in my car. After the bit of torture my tongue will not soon forget, what do I do? I pop a piece of cinnamon in my mouth. Not the overly sweet BigRed, but friggin Dragon Fire.... so you can um.... imagine....

Free Me

Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me, yeah!

Beautiful prisoner, left here for dead
Promises made and sentences read
Voices and visions are locked in my head
I could sing for sorrow
All of the words that we damn never speak
All of our ghosts and secrets do keep
Gather them all we'll bury them deep
I could sing for sorrow

Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me, hey!

One for forever
One in your name
Once in your member
We're one in the same
One to forget but it always remains
I could sing for sorrow

Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Could you free what's keepin' you?
Well I need somebody too

Free me! Free me!
Free me! Free me!
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Free me right now
You take me away, take it from me
Could you free what's keepin' you?
Well I need somebody too

Free me! Free me!
Free me! Free me!
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, yeah!

- Foo Fighters - In Your Honor

My reason for a 360

yummmm.... Oblivian....

which actually reminds me, I want to rebuild my rig. Well, ok build a new one.... I looked at the speakers I want today, and it cost significantly less then I thought.... sooooo tempted. Then I'd need a new sound card... which wasn't bad... but since I needed a new sound card... might as well get a new video card... but then I'll need a new chip... and more memory..... so yeah... I need to build a new rig... *sigh*

multiple guess

I got my test back yesterday from econ. I didn't study for it, I wasn't even in class for the most of it. And yet I got a B. Amazing. Apparently I'm pretty good at this multiple guess thing. Ironically I got a C on the one I did study for. One stupid little mistake carried through the whole test. The instructor said that's really no big deal anyway. The extra credit will bump it up.

I went a bit overboard with txt yesterday. That's what happens when I have some sort of communication device in my hand.

I hate to make fun of peoples accents (yeah right). In accounting, my instructor keeps saying COGS as oppose to just cost of goods sold. The problem is, when he say it, it sounds like cocks.... Um..... Yes......

This stupid shirt I'm wearing keeps pulling down in the front. Turns it into a low cut shirt. But at least it's thicker then most of my tees. So much warmer....

I actually had a good amount of sleep last night. 7.5 hours, that's a record for the month. I was falling asleep pretty fast last night, but I would promptly wake up due to suffercation by stuffy nose. It was weird. Kept drifting in and out. It's like going to class. I'm getting incoherant.... Stupid boring class...

system reboot

I fell asleep in class this morning. Not the "hey i'm gonna just shut my eyes and listen type", it's the "ummm.... I love it when you kiss me like that.... oh crap that was a dream and I'm still in class" type. I'll have to go to sleep earlier tonight. Tomorrow is going to be clean up day for me. I need to do laundry, unpack some boxes (of which I have been talking about for the past month), and put away all the random crap I have been getting. Everything is so messy. Well, at least I don't have class on friday.

Wonder what my schedule is going to be like next week. I really want to find a night to just do stuff with all the geeks. I mean, we've been talking about it for a while, and nothing. The closest we've done was watching Serenity (which was awsome). Maybe we can go bowl at the place by my house.... I know a few people wouldn't object to that. ooohhh... i found my poker chips too... lol... they were friggin buried in my trunk. I was wondering where I threw them. Maybe I should start a game. ummm... organize... organize....

Yay I'm getting paid on Friday, so happy. And for once I'm there for jeans day.... I don't know which pair I have is going to look good though... hum..... I'll figure it out. There's also a bake sale on Saturday too.... I won't be in until 1:45, so I think I'm safe.... lol.

I tried to run today, but my knee gave out on me. I ended up on an elliptical machine, which I don't like as much. I'm old fashion that way. Anyway... I feel like i need to work harder, I think I've just hit my first plateau. Harder working... and keep the calories down.... yup... gotta do that...... stupid snacks......

Wore my new shoes to class tonite... it was so awsome... I love it. I'm gonna be pimpin in those shoes at work... so comfy... yum.... So I got the shoes, my awsome jacket, and the shades. If that part of myself were a guy, I'd be all over myself... if that makes any sense... lol.

I was told yesterday that I flirt with like everyone at the store. Which is true. I think I do it unconsciously. There are just a few people I haven't done much of that to, but I think that's because I'm too self aware to do it. Eh... maybe I'll just throw caution to the wind. I guess I don't really care if people take it the wrong way. There is one more thing though. It's been really hard for me to look people in the eyes lately. It feels like if I do it then the person would know my secrets (whatever the heck that is, cause I'm such an open book). I'm going to start forcing myself to do it. I'll look less shifty, but more um.... unnerving... hahaha.

The weather was absolutly fabulous today. Except I'm getting a bit sick... so not as good as I wanted. I'll have to spend tomorrow trying to find all my hats and scarves. I love my hats. I look good in my awsome hats.

All of a sudden I have friends... even old friends are calling me. I might do some sort of reunion dinner thing for xmas w/ some old highschool friends. It's been a while. There's going to be a lot of apologies from my part.... for not calling and all... through all things that has happened. Anyway... to all my friends, old and new, I love you guys! And txt me a whole lot... I just checked my plan and apparently I have a lot of txt to burn.

Ohhh... I almost got the Jones Soda Thanksgiving box set... it's awsome.

So yeah... that's my rant for now... it's before midnight... so I'm gonna reboot myself.... *aaahhhh*

Bed of Roses

Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
And some blond gave me nightmares
I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
what you mean to me
And the truth is baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I'll sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonite I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

-- Bon Jovi - This Left Feels Right

bummed

I just am. I wrote a whole long entry in my bound journal today. There is just so much I can't write on here. I have talked about my issue with a few people, and I think a whole lot more people know about it. I don't think it will turn out well. I don't know. There are just so many other issues attatched to the main point. I also think I'm being ignored for it.... *sigh* .... see... I should have kept my mouth shut.

what just happened....

I have got to lay off the liquid crack. I can't remember what exactly happened today. It's like I lost time. Hum..... Maybe some sleep would help... seeing I have to get up at 6..... son of a......

poker

Damn the people who started me back up on it..... It's been so long since my last game, I even resisted playing when I went to Vegas. I guess it's really a whole new game to me now. *sigh* going broke. I guess I should be glad not as many people have invited me to play. I don't know how to say no when I have the time for it.

Crash

One of the better movies I have seen in a while. Enough said.

Two words....

iPod Porn

buzzed before noon

To cap off my week, I chugged a pint before noon. Hey I noshed too, so it wasn't that bad. Plus it was only like a block from my house. It's nice when a friend would buy you a good beer before noon. And yes it was only a pint.... that means my alcohol tolerance is waaaaaaay low right now. That's what I get for staying dry for like 4 months.

maybe the kid should have listened

A good reason to stop teasing that kid in class. Unless you can take a stab to your heart.

riots riots everywhere

France has now proved that when you act French, angry kids will set your buses on fire. I realize that's a really shallow observation, but that is what it boils down to. This whole thing actually reminds me of Rodney King.

I'm actually quite surprised the Summit of the Americas was held in Argentina. Considering they'er still blaming us for the collaps of their economy. On the other hand, it's been a while since I've seen live videos feeds of people torching banks and throwing Molotov cocktails. Moreover, it was fun to see Hugo Chavez yelling "Viva Peron!" at a rally, then falling asleep at the conference.

I had to skip the gym today

ummmm the Governator made me do it... SWARE! He was at my gym today, there was no way I could have gotten in with all the cameras and crowds. hahahaha.... man.... I sware that's the best excuse ever.

Enough for me to want to reach down your throat and rip your heart out

stop posting chain bulletins and mail.... holy crap.....

ummmmm.... yeah....

wow I can sound like a complete idiot when I'm tired or on crack. Ironically I can be quite introspecitve when I'm drunk. So yeah...

Friday bloggage.....

ummmm I know it's only thursday night, but I think I want to just write tomorrow. stay home and write about whatever. I wonder how much I can get down on here... hahaha.... weak attempt to be prolific. maybe i should go read.... or just play wow and city of villians... ummmm.... oh right... homework... bleh... woooooooooooooo..... i'm on crack.... oooohhh... should grab some sugar free liquid crack from the car.... oooohhhhhrriiiiite..... oh wait.... I picked up some slo brew extra pale.... sweet... drunken literature.... it's gonna be a good friday for me..... *drool* well or maybe i'd get sick because i haven't had any alcohol in soooooo long. ummmmmm.... I guess I'll find out. i smell like lavender.... i'm going to sleep now... my muscles still burns from the massage.... so relaxing and painful at the same time. hope i can do some pushups tomorrow.... damn shoulders. ummmmm yeah i'm tired.... and i'm ranting..... yup......

It's good to be Oprah's bitch

First it was Dr. Phil (got his own show), then it was Nate (got his own interior design line), now it's Anderson Cooper.

reasonable expectations

well i guess netflix is going to settle afterall. do people really believe that netflix would deliver what they say on tv? well on the time issue they used to for me... then the service got crappy. my list was too big. maybe this should go into the RTFM category.... ahhh well, lawyers have to feed too.

Uncomfort

Courtesy of penny-arcade....

Gabe: Playing Heros of the Pacific is kind of awkard with you here, Robert.
Robert: You know, a few of my uncles were kamakaze.
Gabe: Wow. They must have some amazing stories.
Robert: No, actually. Not really.

*giggle*

you're friggin kiddin me...

goddamn sony... rootkits? friggin eh. whoever comes up with these retarded DRM schemes should be drag out and shot. anyone still remembers how the celine dion cd freeze and shuts down imacs? well ok that was funny....

aura of random bad shit....

on top of what I'm going through.... friend of mine lost her car key yesterday and my trainer broke her foot. yeah..... if you want to get through this week in one piece, stay the hell away from me.

ok no more

I've been dumping my crap on people lately. I'm done. I'm just gonna close that up. Even I'm getting sick of this whole getting sympathy thing. ummm.... Well if people really care and want to know, my blog is open.

I'm not fine

I'm getting to the point where I can try to fool myself into thinking I am fine.

No I'm not fine. I haven't been fine for a very long time.

Pretty much every aspect of my life has a bit of defect or have gone completely wrong. I'm getting so numb that I don't know how to cry more then 10 seconds at a time, if ever. I try to just keep moving forward, but with all these things bottled up, I carry a bit more with me every step of the way.

I just need some time. That's what I keep telling myself.