I'm finally done with all the work I can do for this quarter... I hope it won't turn out to be too bad. *sigh* I hate it when I'm so uncertain about my grades. Anyway, it's 3:30 am, I need to be out of the house by 7... that's going to give me about 2.5 hours of sleep before I have to get up, provided I go pass out now. But here's the thing, I don't exactly feel like it, and I'm just a little depress.
I got a pretty vicious text tonight. I know I deserve part of it, but some of it I seriously don't. If I were to pressure him to 'hang out', he would know it. All I wanted was some actual face time to clear up the air. Now he's pissed at me because I realize he doesn't really have anything/anyone else to lash out on. So there I was, sitting there in the bowling alley, a little stunned, because he can't take a joke. It's amazing that the actual advance part doesn't get him, it was the joke part. How the hell should I know that my girl friend was in a bad mood, and when I asked her to hit him she put all her weight behind her instead of just a playful punch? I asked her to do it because he never called to tell me that in fact he wasn't going to come over after he said he was. What's wrong with wanting to see him for a bit before I fly halfway around the world? I don't have that many friends afterall. He was the only one I wasn't going to see at bowling tonight.
He doesn't realize what he had just done. I think I might be crying myself to sleep, even though he doesn't deserve my attention. That is how absurd it can get when I like somebody that much. I need to be done with him on that level. I just need to.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Through With You
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you
-- Maroon 5 -- Songs About Jane
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you
-- Maroon 5 -- Songs About Jane
For now
I could have sworn somebody was in tears this morning over the final.... friggin eh.... good thing I'm a bullshitter extraordinaire
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Ordinary People
Baby, It's me... Maybe I bore you
No, No it's my fault cause I can't afford you
[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
[Bridge]
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 2]
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
[Bridge]
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel just like walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 3]
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby youuuu and I
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
-- John Legend - Get Lifted
No, No it's my fault cause I can't afford you
[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
[Bridge]
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 2]
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
[Bridge]
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel just like walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 3]
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby youuuu and I
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
-- John Legend - Get Lifted
Survey thing...
You wake up hungover, what do you do?
-- I never get hangovers, never. But then again I'm not oppose to some menudo.
You go to Taco Bell, what do you order?
-- crunch wrap supreme with fire sauce
You spontaneously decide to take a road trip where do you go?
-- vegas baby, vegas.
You are reading on the toilet, what book/magazine is it?
-- WSJ/New Yorker/The Economist.... I'm not being a snob... go check my bathroom.
You dress up for halloween, what superhero are you?
-- the bowler? hahaha.... makes me want to watch mystery men
You sign on to myspace, what do you do first?
-- check comments/messages/blogs
You look in the mirror, how are you lookin these days?
-- friggin pale... that's what I get for sleeping only 2 hours at a time
You're making out and put on a record, whats your go to record?
-- The Eagles
You're watching Star Wars, do you ever root for the empire?
-- Never... they're all a bunch of assholes... oh wait.. that's Spaceballs... uh... HAN SHOT FIRST! *turns and run*
You're in the middle of a circle pit and you drop your cell phone next to the burliest dude with his shirt off doing the fat guy mosh, what do you do?
-- Use my ninja slithering skills to retrieve my lifeline
You are grillin in the backyard, what kind of sauce do you use?
-- Something I whipped up the night before containing very high alcohol content.
You go to atlantic city for the weekend, wheres the first spot you hit?
-- Ceasars Palace
You're at the bar, and they are out of your regular beverage, what do you drink next?
-- If I'm there for the beer, then it's probably beer all the way... I mean pitchers of it. Else in this order when available: Cosmo, margarita, margarita... margarita... something something.... some shooters.... AMF... *plop*
You meet John Leguizamo, and he's wearing the fat clown costume from spawn, do you fight him?
-- Oh hell no, I'll probably give him a kiss.
You show up to court for a misdemeanor and it turns out to be night-court (the TV show), what crazy circumstance will set you free?
-- Come on now... that's a easy one... it'll have something to do with Dan ;P
You are raising money for an orphanage and somebody steals it, do you call the A-team, or Macguyver?
-- THE A-TEAM! geez... i pity da fool who stole it
Your back is totally sunburned and you have no aloe, how do you sleep?
-- take my slave boy out of the closet, hand him a bottle of body oil, and have him reapply all night long
You are in a convertable at a red light, and all the sudden a Saab full of German bikini models rolls up next to you and is blasting Du-Hast, what do you say to them?
-- hahaha... Du-Hast... chances are we're playing the same song
You go to an asian resturant, what do you order?
-- you do not want to get me started...
You are going to eat a cheese steak, where do you go?
-- uh.. philly
You wake up and you are living in the video game Mike Tyson's punch out, whitch boxer are you facing?
-- uh no
The Smiths are playing Cure songs, and the Cure are Playing Smiths songs at opposite venues the same night, which band do you go to see?
-- don't much care
Your mom gives you a hundred dollar grocery store card, what do you spend it on?
-- refer to my last trader joe's reciept
Michael Jackson shows up at your next birthday party, do you welcome him in?
-- hellz yeah... right after I hide the kiddies
You are drinking a Rolling Rock beer, cause it's the only beer left, and somebody that you were going to make out with makes fun of you for it, what do you do?
-- Tell him it tastes different post consumption and offer a taste
Your girlfriend gets kidnapped by the Shadows, and you are going to save her Double Dragon style, who's your other dragon?
-- yeah, not worth my time
You wake up to find Bret Michaels from Poison in bed with you wearing a leather thong, how do you get him outta the house, and more importantly how do you cover that shit up?
-- How exactly do you cover that shit up anyway, we are talking about Bret Michaels.
You are on an old fashioned boat, would you rather have Captain Hook, Captain Ahab, or Captain Ron?
-- hahaha... Captain Ron fo sho!
The Rolling Stones are eating french fries at Fudruckers and you are getting them condiments, what condiments do you get them?
-- tobasco
Godzilla and Mothra are hanging out at a bar, when Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood walk in and call them out, who's side do you take?
-- That's a no-brainer... nobody touches Chuck Norris, no one.
-- I never get hangovers, never. But then again I'm not oppose to some menudo.
You go to Taco Bell, what do you order?
-- crunch wrap supreme with fire sauce
You spontaneously decide to take a road trip where do you go?
-- vegas baby, vegas.
You are reading on the toilet, what book/magazine is it?
-- WSJ/New Yorker/The Economist.... I'm not being a snob... go check my bathroom.
You dress up for halloween, what superhero are you?
-- the bowler? hahaha.... makes me want to watch mystery men
You sign on to myspace, what do you do first?
-- check comments/messages/blogs
You look in the mirror, how are you lookin these days?
-- friggin pale... that's what I get for sleeping only 2 hours at a time
You're making out and put on a record, whats your go to record?
-- The Eagles
You're watching Star Wars, do you ever root for the empire?
-- Never... they're all a bunch of assholes... oh wait.. that's Spaceballs... uh... HAN SHOT FIRST! *turns and run*
You're in the middle of a circle pit and you drop your cell phone next to the burliest dude with his shirt off doing the fat guy mosh, what do you do?
-- Use my ninja slithering skills to retrieve my lifeline
You are grillin in the backyard, what kind of sauce do you use?
-- Something I whipped up the night before containing very high alcohol content.
You go to atlantic city for the weekend, wheres the first spot you hit?
-- Ceasars Palace
You're at the bar, and they are out of your regular beverage, what do you drink next?
-- If I'm there for the beer, then it's probably beer all the way... I mean pitchers of it. Else in this order when available: Cosmo, margarita, margarita... margarita... something something.... some shooters.... AMF... *plop*
You meet John Leguizamo, and he's wearing the fat clown costume from spawn, do you fight him?
-- Oh hell no, I'll probably give him a kiss.
You show up to court for a misdemeanor and it turns out to be night-court (the TV show), what crazy circumstance will set you free?
-- Come on now... that's a easy one... it'll have something to do with Dan ;P
You are raising money for an orphanage and somebody steals it, do you call the A-team, or Macguyver?
-- THE A-TEAM! geez... i pity da fool who stole it
Your back is totally sunburned and you have no aloe, how do you sleep?
-- take my slave boy out of the closet, hand him a bottle of body oil, and have him reapply all night long
You are in a convertable at a red light, and all the sudden a Saab full of German bikini models rolls up next to you and is blasting Du-Hast, what do you say to them?
-- hahaha... Du-Hast... chances are we're playing the same song
You go to an asian resturant, what do you order?
-- you do not want to get me started...
You are going to eat a cheese steak, where do you go?
-- uh.. philly
You wake up and you are living in the video game Mike Tyson's punch out, whitch boxer are you facing?
-- uh no
The Smiths are playing Cure songs, and the Cure are Playing Smiths songs at opposite venues the same night, which band do you go to see?
-- don't much care
Your mom gives you a hundred dollar grocery store card, what do you spend it on?
-- refer to my last trader joe's reciept
Michael Jackson shows up at your next birthday party, do you welcome him in?
-- hellz yeah... right after I hide the kiddies
You are drinking a Rolling Rock beer, cause it's the only beer left, and somebody that you were going to make out with makes fun of you for it, what do you do?
-- Tell him it tastes different post consumption and offer a taste
Your girlfriend gets kidnapped by the Shadows, and you are going to save her Double Dragon style, who's your other dragon?
-- yeah, not worth my time
You wake up to find Bret Michaels from Poison in bed with you wearing a leather thong, how do you get him outta the house, and more importantly how do you cover that shit up?
-- How exactly do you cover that shit up anyway, we are talking about Bret Michaels.
You are on an old fashioned boat, would you rather have Captain Hook, Captain Ahab, or Captain Ron?
-- hahaha... Captain Ron fo sho!
The Rolling Stones are eating french fries at Fudruckers and you are getting them condiments, what condiments do you get them?
-- tobasco
Godzilla and Mothra are hanging out at a bar, when Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood walk in and call them out, who's side do you take?
-- That's a no-brainer... nobody touches Chuck Norris, no one.
Monday, March 27, 2006
buddy icon
i have concluded just now that using the cheat as my icon is more suitable then i thought. i am in fact technically oriented, loves techno music, throws light switch raves, full of surprises, short, yellow, and nobody can understand a word i say...
... and nobody cares
... and nobody cares
It can't be helped
I get side-tracked once in a while, it's just a matter of fact. I feel a lot better at this moment, although it doesn't account for the sheer amount of work I have to make up for tonight. My secret is power naps + hot showers + sugar free red bull. It's not bad. I think that check list thingie worked too. I feel better when I check all that crap off. So tonight is (1) finishing up the financial report (2) do all the reading and discussion for writing (3) look at some accounting. Tomorrow morning is my accounting final at 7 am. That leaves me the rest of the day to do that final paper draft, then study for econ. Wednesday morning is econ final at 9:15, then pick up the rental car, then do a final draft of the paper, then pack, then drop off my pig, then bowling, then pass out. Sounds like a good plan to me.
not so lonely in my misery
I love you, Tracey Lee, whoever and wherever you are. It's comforting to see that I'm not the only one trying to do 6 weeks worth of work in one frantic weekend.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Jealous
That I am. Of some little girl I can snap like a twig? That's pretty sad actually. I don't want to hate him. Guess I hate myself a little too.
endorphin
A professor of mine kept saying we should make checklists when we do our work. For every check mark we make on the list it boosts our endorphin level. I don't know if I totally agree with that idea, but I made myself a checklist anyway. I'm almost through with the first page of that list. Feeling a bit more confident... or maybe it's the red bull talking. I did read a whole book this morning... well ok the important parts and I skimped through the rest... it counts.... I now know the story. Also read some short stories and published articles. Now I will have to write a paper about violence in society and child rearing. After that is another 4 books, some short stories and poetry, then a paper on camaraderie. Good times, no?
I realize now how I would love to just sit here and be mad at everything and bitch about it all. But I don't have time for that. I can do it next week when I'm just sitting there and do nothing but write. I did get a bit angry this morning over how someone is being totally insensitive. Ah well, what should I expect.
I realize now how I would love to just sit here and be mad at everything and bitch about it all. But I don't have time for that. I can do it next week when I'm just sitting there and do nothing but write. I did get a bit angry this morning over how someone is being totally insensitive. Ah well, what should I expect.
I'm not fair
I read a couple of my earlier blogs from when I first came back up. I was so angry then. Although it didn't work out, I will always care about him. That's not something that would just go away. The things I wrote are plain hurtful. I just want to say I'm sorry. I can't say I don't miss him at all, but sometimes we just have to move on.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
A reply
I usually don't do this, but this reply for my previous post is too good to stay hidden. Who clicks on the comments section? Not as much.... but this is too awesome to pass up....
** reply to the reply **
*******************************
RE: Head == totally fucked up.
I used to create a lot of random situations in my head. I still do from time to time. Most of them relate to the various hopes, dreams, and aspirations that I have for my life. I think it's a fun to watch the mind go on tangents. When your thoughts slow down, you have the opportunity to distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy. The line can be very hard to draw. Sometimes there's a lot of meaning and reason behind thoughts, and other times it feels (to me anyway) like I'm just obsessed.
** Obsession is my middle name.... although I actually hate that fragrance.... I wear Euphoria, and is in love with Eternity. I find that my mind only goes on tangents on very specific topics, mainly on relationships and what not. But yeah, it's so hard to figure out what is real sometimes, especially since I never have a chance to give my mind a rest. **
RE: I always have somebody with me... killer looks...
Isn't that interesting? My focus still shifts at times, even though I've been in a serious relationship for the last 5 years. I usually solve the problem by thinking... what am I attracted to? A person, or an idea? Through a little analysis, the answer has always been the latter.
** YES! It's totally the idea! There's really no way around it right? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder **
RE: Alpha / Beta
They say opposites attract -- that people share meaning and complement each other. At the same time, I think a starting point is necessary. What would you do with the other person in the short term and the long term? When people have many differences, there can be a lot of emotional and physical attraction. However, the result is usually that there isn't enough "glue" to hold the relationship together, unless at least one person in the relationship is exceptionally compromising.
** That's a pretty funny thing actually. When I'm in a relationship, I am the one that wants to be compromising. I may not like it, but that's what I would end up doing anyway. I may not like losing the control, but I want to figure out what makes him tick. **
RE: My good friend... being lonely
Without the opinion of others, your mind is like an elephant. It's free to run around and cause trouble by blowing things out of proportion and exaggerating the severity of situations. Now if you've gotten accustomed to handling your thoughts in solitude (which I have not!), it's probably much less of an elephant. It's so hard to even consider solitude these days. Movies, TV, iPods, shopping, fashion, friends, acquaintances, random people in your accounting class that comment on your blog...etc -- so many distractions!
** omg you have no idea how much homework I'm suppose to be doing right now..... **
RE: Intellectual guy / idiot girl
I think I get it =) The thought might be appealing to me if I was single. I mean the "idiot girl" would be more likely to offer love, admiration, and respect to me. Now that would probably get boring after three to ten days, which is why I didn't choose to be in that kind of relationship. I'm looking for something more stable than that, but there are many things I've sacrificed in the name of stability. The biggest sacrifice to sum it up... I can't feel like I'm "the shit" anymore, which used to be really important to me.
** Yeah I guess that's it. A sense of superiority can be a good rush, but that's not a good basis for a relationship. **
RE: With the most recent... brain is there...
Are you sure you aren't giving him too much credit? We men aren't always as bright as we act. My .02: expect things to suck. And I don't mean to have a negative attitude in general, or to not believe in him. What I mean is that people have a lot going on, and there's a pretty good chance that there are other girls competing for this man's attention. Now I'm not you, so I haven't seen the whole situation. But I think you should dig in a little bit. Perhaps ask specifically what he thinks would go wrong if you two got together, and suggest that he's not considering what could go "right", that the risk is worth the possible gains, etc (given that you think this is true). I believe that you can voice all of that without coming across as desperate or needy. Put your foot down, look him in the eye, and say it. Then listen intently, and respond with conviction. You know how to do that! =) Even if it seems to make everything go to hell, at least it'll help you move forward. And worst case scenario -- you can always blame me :P
** ooohhhh I am absolutly giving him way too much credit, that I already know. Granted he does have a lot going on in his life that needs to be taken care of. The situation I speak of is an age difference issue. Considering I found out he is now exactly 2/3 my age, and that I am 24. Is this how you spell "statutory"? Well ok, I looked up the laws (seriously), there's no laws against having a meaningful relationship. I just have to stock up on a year and a half worth of batteries is all. **
RE: Fun intellectual assholes...
Many of us crave the fight -- the challenge -- the exhiliration. I have to say that's what led me into my current relationship. I knew she wasn't easy. In fact, I was rejected multiple times before Trisha and I got together. I'm not saying this from experience, but I believe the plus side to the intellectual asshole is that the relationship can be more exciting. There'll be someone to challenge your thoughts, as long as he does it logically, remains "curious", and doesn't get abusive =)
** You have no idea how much I crave a more exciting relationship. In my last one, we were tagged as the old married couple from day one. Seriously. I tried different things, but he just wasn't the type. He's more like the marrying type, whereas I'm still looking for something more wild. I'm finding them backwards I tell you. **
Take care Patricia. Best of luck with finals. Let me know if you'd like to have coffee one day.
** Anytime ^_^ when do you see me without some sort of caffinated drink? **
--Riyan
*******************************
Thanks Riyan! You're totally awesome!
** reply to the reply **
*******************************
RE: Head == totally fucked up.
I used to create a lot of random situations in my head. I still do from time to time. Most of them relate to the various hopes, dreams, and aspirations that I have for my life. I think it's a fun to watch the mind go on tangents. When your thoughts slow down, you have the opportunity to distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy. The line can be very hard to draw. Sometimes there's a lot of meaning and reason behind thoughts, and other times it feels (to me anyway) like I'm just obsessed.
** Obsession is my middle name.... although I actually hate that fragrance.... I wear Euphoria, and is in love with Eternity. I find that my mind only goes on tangents on very specific topics, mainly on relationships and what not. But yeah, it's so hard to figure out what is real sometimes, especially since I never have a chance to give my mind a rest. **
RE: I always have somebody with me... killer looks...
Isn't that interesting? My focus still shifts at times, even though I've been in a serious relationship for the last 5 years. I usually solve the problem by thinking... what am I attracted to? A person, or an idea? Through a little analysis, the answer has always been the latter.
** YES! It's totally the idea! There's really no way around it right? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder **
RE: Alpha / Beta
They say opposites attract -- that people share meaning and complement each other. At the same time, I think a starting point is necessary. What would you do with the other person in the short term and the long term? When people have many differences, there can be a lot of emotional and physical attraction. However, the result is usually that there isn't enough "glue" to hold the relationship together, unless at least one person in the relationship is exceptionally compromising.
** That's a pretty funny thing actually. When I'm in a relationship, I am the one that wants to be compromising. I may not like it, but that's what I would end up doing anyway. I may not like losing the control, but I want to figure out what makes him tick. **
RE: My good friend... being lonely
Without the opinion of others, your mind is like an elephant. It's free to run around and cause trouble by blowing things out of proportion and exaggerating the severity of situations. Now if you've gotten accustomed to handling your thoughts in solitude (which I have not!), it's probably much less of an elephant. It's so hard to even consider solitude these days. Movies, TV, iPods, shopping, fashion, friends, acquaintances, random people in your accounting class that comment on your blog...etc -- so many distractions!
** omg you have no idea how much homework I'm suppose to be doing right now..... **
RE: Intellectual guy / idiot girl
I think I get it =) The thought might be appealing to me if I was single. I mean the "idiot girl" would be more likely to offer love, admiration, and respect to me. Now that would probably get boring after three to ten days, which is why I didn't choose to be in that kind of relationship. I'm looking for something more stable than that, but there are many things I've sacrificed in the name of stability. The biggest sacrifice to sum it up... I can't feel like I'm "the shit" anymore, which used to be really important to me.
** Yeah I guess that's it. A sense of superiority can be a good rush, but that's not a good basis for a relationship. **
RE: With the most recent... brain is there...
Are you sure you aren't giving him too much credit? We men aren't always as bright as we act. My .02: expect things to suck. And I don't mean to have a negative attitude in general, or to not believe in him. What I mean is that people have a lot going on, and there's a pretty good chance that there are other girls competing for this man's attention. Now I'm not you, so I haven't seen the whole situation. But I think you should dig in a little bit. Perhaps ask specifically what he thinks would go wrong if you two got together, and suggest that he's not considering what could go "right", that the risk is worth the possible gains, etc (given that you think this is true). I believe that you can voice all of that without coming across as desperate or needy. Put your foot down, look him in the eye, and say it. Then listen intently, and respond with conviction. You know how to do that! =) Even if it seems to make everything go to hell, at least it'll help you move forward. And worst case scenario -- you can always blame me :P
** ooohhhh I am absolutly giving him way too much credit, that I already know. Granted he does have a lot going on in his life that needs to be taken care of. The situation I speak of is an age difference issue. Considering I found out he is now exactly 2/3 my age, and that I am 24. Is this how you spell "statutory"? Well ok, I looked up the laws (seriously), there's no laws against having a meaningful relationship. I just have to stock up on a year and a half worth of batteries is all. **
RE: Fun intellectual assholes...
Many of us crave the fight -- the challenge -- the exhiliration. I have to say that's what led me into my current relationship. I knew she wasn't easy. In fact, I was rejected multiple times before Trisha and I got together. I'm not saying this from experience, but I believe the plus side to the intellectual asshole is that the relationship can be more exciting. There'll be someone to challenge your thoughts, as long as he does it logically, remains "curious", and doesn't get abusive =)
** You have no idea how much I crave a more exciting relationship. In my last one, we were tagged as the old married couple from day one. Seriously. I tried different things, but he just wasn't the type. He's more like the marrying type, whereas I'm still looking for something more wild. I'm finding them backwards I tell you. **
Take care Patricia. Best of luck with finals. Let me know if you'd like to have coffee one day.
** Anytime ^_^ when do you see me without some sort of caffinated drink? **
--Riyan
*******************************
Thanks Riyan! You're totally awesome!
It's always something
Head == totally fucked up. No point in chasing. I think I don't, but I do. I end up creating these random situations in my head and try to set it up in real life. Never works out that way. I should just stop looking and hoping something would happen. I would grab life by the leash... but I don't know where it is. So what's the deal? Who the hell knows.
I always have somebody with me that has little or no personality but killer looks. Does that shift focus? Of course. But then again if I'm not so Alpha at the first place, then people would actually approach me. The twist is, I want to have somebody that's not afraid of the Alpha and don't want me to be the Beta. Inevitably that leads me to be attracted to complete assholes. Or maybe it's because I've been with Betas all my life and I'm craving an Alpha. So yeah.... can't help it. A buddy said I'll probablly have lots of arguments with somebody like that. I say bring it on. Angry sex is the best.
My good friend said all these random stuff I've been thinking about is from being lonely. I think I'll have to agree. At least he's got some prospects. I seriously don't have any right now, cause they're all just in my friggin head. I guess I have a pretty active imagination when it comes to my happiness. I have my ideals. And they are pretty friggin hard to reach.
It's just been so much more frustrating recently. With the last one, it was totally one sided. I read the stuff he writes and I liked it. I can recognize an intellectual when I see one. Brain is more attractive then braun to me. The guy is a total ass in person, shows no interest, and I even knew who he liked (which turns out to be quite dissapointing). I don't get the whole intellectual guy liking the complete idiot girl thing. Wouldn't he get bored after a while? Looks can only go so far. If I were him, and started dating one of those girls, I would go insane from the pure airheadedness of those girls. You don't understand, I would kill myself. But that's just me, maybe he's just as dumb as them on some level. Who knows.
With the most recent one the brain is there, we can talk for hours on end, and there's definatly interest. But alas, the circumstances can not be helped. We're still good friends and all, but now there's that layer of guilt. I can't talk to him, I can't look him in the eyes, he's practically avoiding me. A total 180 from where we were headed. I've spent the last two weeks on scheming to turn it back around. Trying to figure out what is it I'm feeling, how to tell him and some such bullshit. I looked back on when everything turned and realized why he's treating me the way he is now. He cares enough to try to not to lead me onto something that's not going to end up well. I appreciate it. He tells me I should really look elsewhere for what I want, which incidentally is also what he wants. He just knows it would end badly of we seize this. So he's not a risk taker when it comes to these things. Seriously though, any other guy in his situation would jump at the chance. I don't know if I should feel honored or insulted. Last couple of days I've been leaning towards insulted.
Girl friend of mine tells me yesterday I should get over the whole asshole thing. I need to tell her what I said to another girl friend, intellectual assholes are just so much more interesting. I'm turning into one of those girls I hate, I guess I want the guy to treat me like trash? That can't be it. Maybe I want somebody that is confrontational. Naw. Spirited discussion which ends up with passionate sex. Ha! Jeez, I don't even watch soaps.
Which brings me to another point. I don't want just sex, I want intimacy. That's actually not that hard to look for. I mean, when I look for somebody, I'm looking for the total package. It's not about looks, though I want somebody that's not totally gross. I'm not looking for a mirror image of myself, that would be totally creepy. I don't want the most sensitive guy, if I wanted pussies I would be a dyke. I don't want a playa, a friend tried to get me to read the book... totally not necessary and I'm pretty self-centered... as it should be. Definatly somebody who's secure enough about himself that he doesn't feel threatened by me. I am in fact the most important thing in the world and nothing else really matters (har har).
So yeah... guess I haven't met him yet.
I always have somebody with me that has little or no personality but killer looks. Does that shift focus? Of course. But then again if I'm not so Alpha at the first place, then people would actually approach me. The twist is, I want to have somebody that's not afraid of the Alpha and don't want me to be the Beta. Inevitably that leads me to be attracted to complete assholes. Or maybe it's because I've been with Betas all my life and I'm craving an Alpha. So yeah.... can't help it. A buddy said I'll probablly have lots of arguments with somebody like that. I say bring it on. Angry sex is the best.
My good friend said all these random stuff I've been thinking about is from being lonely. I think I'll have to agree. At least he's got some prospects. I seriously don't have any right now, cause they're all just in my friggin head. I guess I have a pretty active imagination when it comes to my happiness. I have my ideals. And they are pretty friggin hard to reach.
It's just been so much more frustrating recently. With the last one, it was totally one sided. I read the stuff he writes and I liked it. I can recognize an intellectual when I see one. Brain is more attractive then braun to me. The guy is a total ass in person, shows no interest, and I even knew who he liked (which turns out to be quite dissapointing). I don't get the whole intellectual guy liking the complete idiot girl thing. Wouldn't he get bored after a while? Looks can only go so far. If I were him, and started dating one of those girls, I would go insane from the pure airheadedness of those girls. You don't understand, I would kill myself. But that's just me, maybe he's just as dumb as them on some level. Who knows.
With the most recent one the brain is there, we can talk for hours on end, and there's definatly interest. But alas, the circumstances can not be helped. We're still good friends and all, but now there's that layer of guilt. I can't talk to him, I can't look him in the eyes, he's practically avoiding me. A total 180 from where we were headed. I've spent the last two weeks on scheming to turn it back around. Trying to figure out what is it I'm feeling, how to tell him and some such bullshit. I looked back on when everything turned and realized why he's treating me the way he is now. He cares enough to try to not to lead me onto something that's not going to end up well. I appreciate it. He tells me I should really look elsewhere for what I want, which incidentally is also what he wants. He just knows it would end badly of we seize this. So he's not a risk taker when it comes to these things. Seriously though, any other guy in his situation would jump at the chance. I don't know if I should feel honored or insulted. Last couple of days I've been leaning towards insulted.
Girl friend of mine tells me yesterday I should get over the whole asshole thing. I need to tell her what I said to another girl friend, intellectual assholes are just so much more interesting. I'm turning into one of those girls I hate, I guess I want the guy to treat me like trash? That can't be it. Maybe I want somebody that is confrontational. Naw. Spirited discussion which ends up with passionate sex. Ha! Jeez, I don't even watch soaps.
Which brings me to another point. I don't want just sex, I want intimacy. That's actually not that hard to look for. I mean, when I look for somebody, I'm looking for the total package. It's not about looks, though I want somebody that's not totally gross. I'm not looking for a mirror image of myself, that would be totally creepy. I don't want the most sensitive guy, if I wanted pussies I would be a dyke. I don't want a playa, a friend tried to get me to read the book... totally not necessary and I'm pretty self-centered... as it should be. Definatly somebody who's secure enough about himself that he doesn't feel threatened by me. I am in fact the most important thing in the world and nothing else really matters (har har).
So yeah... guess I haven't met him yet.
Shake It Off
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake you off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
[Verse 1]
By the time you get this message
It’s gonna be too late
So don’t bother paging me
Cause I’ll be on my way
See I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You’re gonna miss me baby
Hate to say “I told you so”
Well at first I didn’t know
But now it’s clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You’ll never ever find a girl
Who loves you more than me
[Chorus 2]
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake it off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
[Bridge]
I gotta shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
Off…
[Verse 2]
I found out about a gang
Of your dirty little deeds
With this one and that one
By the pool, on the beach, in the streets
Heard y’all was
Hold up my phone’s breakin’ up
I’ma hang up and call the machine right back
I gotta get this off of my mind
You wasn’t worth my time
So I’m leaving you behind
Cause I need a real love in my life
Save this recording because
I’m never coming back home
Baby I’m gone
Don’t cha know
[Chorus 3:]
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciated all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake you off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
-- Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake you off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
[Verse 1]
By the time you get this message
It’s gonna be too late
So don’t bother paging me
Cause I’ll be on my way
See I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You’re gonna miss me baby
Hate to say “I told you so”
Well at first I didn’t know
But now it’s clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You’ll never ever find a girl
Who loves you more than me
[Chorus 2]
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake it off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
[Bridge]
I gotta shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
Off…
[Verse 2]
I found out about a gang
Of your dirty little deeds
With this one and that one
By the pool, on the beach, in the streets
Heard y’all was
Hold up my phone’s breakin’ up
I’ma hang up and call the machine right back
I gotta get this off of my mind
You wasn’t worth my time
So I’m leaving you behind
Cause I need a real love in my life
Save this recording because
I’m never coming back home
Baby I’m gone
Don’t cha know
[Chorus 3:]
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain’t the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I’m here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciated all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake you off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
-- Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi
Give it a rest...
Everything I have been going through lately has just been one gigantic mind-fuck. At least that's the conclusion a friend and I came up with over coffee. So I just have to stop thinking about it, give it a rest. I'll find that person one day. It's just not today nor have I found the right person at the first place. I just need to be somewhere else for a little while to clear my head.
Friday, March 24, 2006
It's been...
Two and a half months since we had that conversation. I read it over and over again this morning. I can't help it. He told me I should find somebody else, and he shouldn't have entertained the idea at the first place. I know he realize this too, it's easier said then done. This has gone way beyond a crush. We know there is something there. I wish I had the courage this morning to tell him that. But maybe it's best I don't for now.
The perfect opportunity
I had one just now. We had time to talk. He called because I wanted to talk last night. I lied and said I don't remember what I wanted to talk about. I don't know where to start. I don't know how. Why can't I just tell him.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Cause in my head....
It's starting. I'm running conversations in my head. I've running scenarios. What will be the best way to tell him exactly how I feel. I guess here is my dilemma, how can I inflict minimum damage if I were to go ahead and do it and fails? But then again, why do I have to take a calculated risk? Isn't this one of those things I have always said it's a band-aid kind of thing? Just rip it and go right? I even had this conversation with him before. Just do it, take the plunge. Is it really worth it? Maybe that's it, somewhere in my mind I'm thinking it's not worth it. But what would be worth it? What has to be there for me to think it worth the risk? Do I really want to risk getting my heart broken, of which it is almost certain to happen.
How do you know it's love?
A valid question posted by a friend a little while back. She has ascertained in her own particular situation that it in fact is love. My answer to her was that there are no signs, you just know. That person is on your mind every waking moment and sometimes in your sleep. You can see a future with him, doesn't matter how fuzzy it may be. His opinion actually counts. All you can think about is what you can do to make him happy. So if all of these signs are present, is it love?
It's not fool-prove, but that's what I would like to see before I can begin to label it that. Love just happens. There's no rhyme or reason about it. I'm glad she believes she's in love. I'm happy for her.
So what about me? I don't know. I honestly don't know. All those signs are present for me, and everytime I see him nothing else matters. I was talking to another friend on the phone the other day and when he called, I quickly hung up and called him back. Why? I don't know. I still don't think it's love. My buddy asked me, what is it about him? I told him he makes me feel comfortable. Is that really a good reason? By all mean, no. I don't think that's a good reason. I have no idea. All I can think of is the way he looked at me in silence that afternoon so long ago. He looked at me like he knew everything about me, he looked right through me. He made me blush and looked away. I didn't think I knew how to blush anymore.
It's not fool-prove, but that's what I would like to see before I can begin to label it that. Love just happens. There's no rhyme or reason about it. I'm glad she believes she's in love. I'm happy for her.
So what about me? I don't know. I honestly don't know. All those signs are present for me, and everytime I see him nothing else matters. I was talking to another friend on the phone the other day and when he called, I quickly hung up and called him back. Why? I don't know. I still don't think it's love. My buddy asked me, what is it about him? I told him he makes me feel comfortable. Is that really a good reason? By all mean, no. I don't think that's a good reason. I have no idea. All I can think of is the way he looked at me in silence that afternoon so long ago. He looked at me like he knew everything about me, he looked right through me. He made me blush and looked away. I didn't think I knew how to blush anymore.
We Belong Together
Verse 1:
sweet love, yeah [yeah]
I didn’t mean it when I said
I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing,
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't of fathomed
I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting
Here beside myself
Cause I didn’t know you
Cause I didn’t know me
But if I knew everything
I never felt
Pre-Chorus 1
The feeling that I’m feeling
Now that I don’t hear your voice
Or even touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don’t have a choice
Or what I wouldn’t give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
Chorus 1
When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
When there ain't nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together
Verse 2
I can’t sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack’s on the radio
Singing to me “If You Think You’re Lonely Now”
Wait a minute this is too deep [too deep]
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial tryin’ to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
“I Only Think Of You” and it's breakin’ my heart
I’m tryin’ to keep it together but I’m falling apart
Pre-Chorus 2
I’m feeling all out of my element
Throwing things,Cryin tryin
To figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain’t even half of what I’m feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life baby
Chorus 2
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
When there ain't nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together baby
Outro
When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together
-- Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi
sweet love, yeah [yeah]
I didn’t mean it when I said
I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing,
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't of fathomed
I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting
Here beside myself
Cause I didn’t know you
Cause I didn’t know me
But if I knew everything
I never felt
Pre-Chorus 1
The feeling that I’m feeling
Now that I don’t hear your voice
Or even touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don’t have a choice
Or what I wouldn’t give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
Chorus 1
When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
When there ain't nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together
Verse 2
I can’t sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack’s on the radio
Singing to me “If You Think You’re Lonely Now”
Wait a minute this is too deep [too deep]
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial tryin’ to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
“I Only Think Of You” and it's breakin’ my heart
I’m tryin’ to keep it together but I’m falling apart
Pre-Chorus 2
I’m feeling all out of my element
Throwing things,Cryin tryin
To figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain’t even half of what I’m feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life baby
Chorus 2
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
When there ain't nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together baby
Outro
When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together
-- Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi
Unwell
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
-- Matchbox 20 -- More Than You Think You Are
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
-- Matchbox 20 -- More Than You Think You Are
I should....
I should just do it. Everytime I sleep I have the same dream. Everytime I close my eyes I see the way he looks at me. Why am I so afraid?
something something....
I went through a bit of a depression the other night. All I really needed was to have somebody tell me he cared enough to call me. I got that, and I slept well.
I had long talks with two close friends last night. Both of them concluded that I should just suck it up and talk to him directly. I know exactly what I want, but I'm afraid where it will lead. I've noticed I haven't been able to look him in the eyes for a while.
I had long talks with two close friends last night. Both of them concluded that I should just suck it up and talk to him directly. I know exactly what I want, but I'm afraid where it will lead. I've noticed I haven't been able to look him in the eyes for a while.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I must be out of my friggin mind
That must be it. I can't really explain it otherwise. How else can I explain all these things that has been going through my head lately. Nothing makes sense. This feels like the calm before the storm for me. I know I'm getting close to the breaking point. I just need somebody to cradle me and tell me everything will be ok. All I can say is, hallucination from stress is not a fun thing. I also don't recommand tagging celibacy to that also. I can't get him out of my mind. I can't think of anything else. It's crippling. I'm so confused. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. The word "circumstance" keeps floating across my mind. What if I hadn't reacted the way I did? What would have happened then? I have so many what if's in my head. I can't think. My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is saying something else. Why do I have to be so self destructive?
Early
I am so very early for my dental appointment. I thought I would have to spent a little time to find the place. But it took me just about 15 min from my house to parking. So what do I end up doing? Blogging and listening to Josh Groban in the car.
I thought I had alot of sleep last night. Most of it restless I guess. I was on the phone for about 45 minutes last night. Something I haven't done in a while. We talked about nothing important and yet it felt comforting. I don't think I have been more confused in my life. I was trying to fix my laptop this morning and stumbled across a few conversations off of aim I have saved up. It looks like so long ago. It's only been a few months. So much has changed. We've learned so much about one another. So much.
I realize I overreacted a little bit that night a few months back. I've been thinking about it over and over in my head. I've been trying to rationalize it. But there is nothing rational about it. I realize there is no way to plan or strategize about these things. Having been a scientist almost all my life, this is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. It's just so hard to give up control.
I thought I had alot of sleep last night. Most of it restless I guess. I was on the phone for about 45 minutes last night. Something I haven't done in a while. We talked about nothing important and yet it felt comforting. I don't think I have been more confused in my life. I was trying to fix my laptop this morning and stumbled across a few conversations off of aim I have saved up. It looks like so long ago. It's only been a few months. So much has changed. We've learned so much about one another. So much.
I realize I overreacted a little bit that night a few months back. I've been thinking about it over and over in my head. I've been trying to rationalize it. But there is nothing rational about it. I realize there is no way to plan or strategize about these things. Having been a scientist almost all my life, this is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. It's just so hard to give up control.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Hints
Dammit I hate this. I hate this whole weird space I've built for myself. Why does everything have to be so emotionally draining for me. Why can't I just tell him what I feel? I can sit there and talk about absolutly nothing with him on the phone for 45 minutes, but not anything I truly care about. This whole thing is so dumb. I told him a couple of people asked if we were dating, and he sort of laughed it off. Laughed it off in the way that saids it will never happen. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. I honestly don't know anymore. I can't put any more pressure on the whole situation. I should go sleep. He'll be in my dreams as usual.
Confidence
I have, in some point of my life, lost all real confidence in myself. Why do I keep wanting this thing I can't have? I just... *sigh*
The AMC in Saratoga has not been kind to me. I do believe this is the second time that nothing happened.
All I really have to say is, I'm not really comfortable in the "friend zone".
Dammit I wish these dreams would just god damn stop...
The AMC in Saratoga has not been kind to me. I do believe this is the second time that nothing happened.
All I really have to say is, I'm not really comfortable in the "friend zone".
Dammit I wish these dreams would just god damn stop...
Friday, March 17, 2006
Dreams part deux
It happened again. I was so tired last night I wasn't able to wake myself up. I don't know if I even wanted to wake up. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I just want to stay asleep.
Dreams
My dreams are becoming more intense. I've been avoiding sleep for the past couple of nights. I passed out for an hour in the middle of the day today and had the most interesting one yet. Interesting work of fiction I have there in my head. I guess I really do want it, just can't have it though. *sigh* I'm going to sleep.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Distinction
There comes a time when I have to figure out the reason as to why I feel the way I do. I doubt he would read this, but hey whatever. I seriously don't know what attracted me at the first place because there isn't much to go on. There has been a lot of ups and downs between us, but there is one thing I've come to recognize: I genuinely do care for him. It's not something I can say easily. There are so many things that has been keeping us apart, and yet I still feel the pull. I never get what I want I suppose. I don't know what to do anymore.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
5 am
I registered for next quarter. I have.... 19 units. I expect at least 9 of them to be pretty easy stuff. I am tired. I found a bit of feedback on my paper proposal thing. I'm pretty happy about it. Today is the day I buck up and start doing homework. I did do the laundry yesterday afterall. Last night I felt a bit lazy. I ended up watching a documentry about Kurosawa before heading to the gym. I spent an hour on the elliptical, did some abs and weights and headed home. I didn't head to bed until 2, and now I have just registered... and it's about 5. Me thinks I will take a short nap before I have to get up at 7:30 to head to school. fun fun.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
health
I went to the doctor today for a follow-up appointment. Health wise, I'm doing pretty damn great. He was pretty impress at how much weight I have lost. Now I just have to really keep track of my eating and what not. I've been a little lazy on the whole weight watcher thing of late. Time to get back on it I suppose. My knee is still hurting somewhat. I got some pointers on how to stretch it and that I have to ice it down before and after I workout. Although I did change over to the elliptical machine instead of the treadmill, it still strains it a little much. So I guess I will be swimming a bit more from now, since that's a pretty good one to do. I do like the pool in the gym. Especially the time I go, which is pretty late at night. I get the pool practically to myself. It's nice. So yeah, that's all for now I guess. I'm in better shape then I was back in 2003.
Monday, March 13, 2006
sore
I've gone to the gym for the past three nights and worked out... I've been a little hard on myself I suppose. I'm sore all over. I tried to take a nap this afternoon to recover a bit, but then I had that dream again. Too sore, can't sleep. Great.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
playlists
new playlists for my ipod is needed... i've added at least 10G of new material since the last time i made a list... so hard to search... gah
emo?
can't stop listening to james blunt + death cab and lit my trusty lavender candle... good times
Slate
some stuff I wrote yesterday and forgot to post:
Misery
A condition of which a dumb, load-bearing equine needs to be put out of. That's the one phrase I came up with in the shower this morning. I can't stop repeating it in my head.
On to new stuff...
Once again my head is not entirely here, but of course my excuse this time is I only had about 3 hours of sleep. It's my own damn fault really. Leaving homework to do at the last minute probably is not the smartest habit I have.
Misery
A condition of which a dumb, load-bearing equine needs to be put out of. That's the one phrase I came up with in the shower this morning. I can't stop repeating it in my head.
On to new stuff...
Once again my head is not entirely here, but of course my excuse this time is I only had about 3 hours of sleep. It's my own damn fault really. Leaving homework to do at the last minute probably is not the smartest habit I have.
You're Beautiful
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
-- James Blunt -- Back To Bedlam
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
-- James Blunt -- Back To Bedlam
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Strung
I'm in a sort of weird place right now. A lot of things/people are pissing me off. I'm letting a lot of things bother me. I have noticed that when I'm happy in general, I don't let those things bother me as much. But as of right now, everything irritates the bajesus out of me.
Some of this crap is actually well warranted... If I see a service order closed out listing the work we have performed on it, with the product sitting in the pickup section, should I not assume that we fixed it and it's ready to go? Apparently not.... Tell me, how in the fuck am I suppose to know, other then the power supply, the motherboard is also fried? Any reasonable human being would think that it was fixed and I don't have to second guess the work on it. I'm so sick of this crap.
I'm so sick of this whole short-sighted shit. What's more important? Customer loyalty or squeezing as much as we can get to the point they get pissed off? We might be doing great now, but what's going to happen down the line? It's a reputation thing. You leaving is your own fucking business, don't drag me down with you.
learning some leadership and customer service skills wouldn't hurt either. And how about some training on tools and enforcing procedures. Oh and well defined tasks. For some odd reason I was also expecting some good note taking and reasoning skills.... I guess it's not to be.
Some of this crap is actually well warranted... If I see a service order closed out listing the work we have performed on it, with the product sitting in the pickup section, should I not assume that we fixed it and it's ready to go? Apparently not.... Tell me, how in the fuck am I suppose to know, other then the power supply, the motherboard is also fried? Any reasonable human being would think that it was fixed and I don't have to second guess the work on it. I'm so sick of this crap.
I'm so sick of this whole short-sighted shit. What's more important? Customer loyalty or squeezing as much as we can get to the point they get pissed off? We might be doing great now, but what's going to happen down the line? It's a reputation thing. You leaving is your own fucking business, don't drag me down with you.
learning some leadership and customer service skills wouldn't hurt either. And how about some training on tools and enforcing procedures. Oh and well defined tasks. For some odd reason I was also expecting some good note taking and reasoning skills.... I guess it's not to be.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
March on forward
Yesterday proved to be another ultra unproductive day. I suppose that was ok for the time being. I have been making so many excuses for myself lately it's beginning to become a bit of a drag. I got some stuff done yesterday, but there is still so much to get done. The quarter is almost over and I just have to get over myself and get shit done.
I had a really good time last night with a buddy of mine. Since our schedule has been so out of sync lately, we haven't really have a chance to hang out for a while. That went a whole lot better then a lot of his dates lately. And me? I haven' had a date in i don't know how long.
So today is the first day of Lent. I have never observed it actually. I don't really want to give up any of my vices anyhow. Some of the more obvious things to give up are of course coffee, blogging, and shopping. But of course I can always do as the movie and give up sex altogether. Which is not as hard as you would think at this point. Maybe I can keep a journal about it? Lol... I don't know if I can totally support that concept anyway. Rather to give up something, why don't I devote the time to keep up doing something.... Like keep my room clean or getting my ass to the gym.
I had a really good time last night with a buddy of mine. Since our schedule has been so out of sync lately, we haven't really have a chance to hang out for a while. That went a whole lot better then a lot of his dates lately. And me? I haven' had a date in i don't know how long.
So today is the first day of Lent. I have never observed it actually. I don't really want to give up any of my vices anyhow. Some of the more obvious things to give up are of course coffee, blogging, and shopping. But of course I can always do as the movie and give up sex altogether. Which is not as hard as you would think at this point. Maybe I can keep a journal about it? Lol... I don't know if I can totally support that concept anyway. Rather to give up something, why don't I devote the time to keep up doing something.... Like keep my room clean or getting my ass to the gym.
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