Winter

I was craving ice cream just now. I have a thing of Phish Food and Chunky Monkey in the freezer. I couldn't open it. It was a little bit stuck. Oh well. I crave ice cream when I'm reading on a cold winter night. I know I'm weird like that.

I have a pot of roses. You know, the 3 dollar ones that comes in a tin from Trader Joe's. I've had it for a few months, which is a record. I made a promise to myself earlier this year that I will make my room clean enough for flowers. I did. And I got myself roses. I water this thing just about every other day. And it has grown about twice it's original size and is in it's second bloom. I was never good with plants, or animals either. I have a pot of roses and a guinea pig that's thriving. I don't know what that tells me, but I think there is a lesson buried in there somewhere.

I'm trying to be deep.

I'm reaing "Candide". Given I should have read it about two weeks ago. I can't put it down. It's an easy read. I've forgotten how much I like reading. The only downer right now is I'm reading for class. Which I hate. I like reading just for the hell of it. I have a really good size library I really want to go through. That is my goal next year. Read more. Now that I have a space where I can relax and read. I just need the time to do it, and that's another matter.

School is not going well right now. Too much piled on. I just need to be less lazy. Hey I'm reading "Candide" ain't I? Well ok not at the moment because I'm writing, but I did dedicate a large part of my day reading.

I bowled well last night. Maybe it was because I was sober for once. 133/125/160/125. That gives me a 135 average for the night. I'm impressed. I'm working on my posture. I got the whole walking straight, aiming the correct arrow, counting the right amount of boards, keeping my arm straight thing down. I just need to be consistent with my posture. Crouch down a bit more and don't let my other arm go behind me, that makes my whole body jerk to one side. Consistency. Yup.

I was a bit on edge at work today. I have no idea why.

I have been a little bit more irritated lately. I think I know why. There are so many things going on. A majority of it is out of my control. And the things in my control I'm not taking it. So yeah. I'm doing great. I know this feeling before. Having things spin out of control.

It has been very cold the last few days. I'm not sure how much I like the cold. I do notice a difference in my attire this year though. I was able to fit myself in a hoodie then zip up my awesome leather jacket. Honestly, last year at this time, when I first got the thing I could barely zip it. I'm pretty damn happy about that. I still have a long way to go. Have been a little neglegant lately of my whole maintanence thing. Totally need to do crunches.

I remember once upon a time I loved winter. I think I still do. This year I have this whole lets celebrate the holidays thing in my blood. I don't know how it got there. I think it's the peppermint mochas and pumpkin spice lattes I've been having. I really should cut back on them a little. Cuts into my budget a little much.... yikes. I should make coffee at home.

It was my buddy's birthday on Monday. Took him out to the Cheesecake Factory... and a whole mess of people tagged along. It was fun. He needed it. Lord knows he doesn't go out and have fun with people very much... having his crappy job and all. In all honesty, he does more then me, and he complaints a lot more. I suppose I just take life with a grain of salt, and he's just being a big queen.

I've been spending way too much again. I got all those components for the new computer. Haven't opened anything yet. I'm tempted. I don't have the time though. I'm thinking I've already spent about $640 for all the parts I already have. I could spend another 200 for the case and new power supply. Then I can spare another oh.... 700 for the new 22" monitor. So the questions are, where in hell am I gonna put it, why in hell am I spending so much on it, and what in hell am I going to do with it when I'm done? I have no clue. I'm thinking about selling all the stuff so I would have some cash. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Something to do over Christmas I suppose.

Speaking of Christmas, I have no idea what I am going to get my parents. Well I have an idea, but that seems like it will involve me selling my computer stuff and use that money to buy them stuff. I'm thinking a navigation system that will set me back about $340, then a coffee maker thing using single pods that will cost about $160. I'm not sure yet. I'm still thinking. I'll have to see how much I get for the next pay check.

I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately. Just going out with friends. I mean it doesn't occur that often, but it's still a lot more often then before. We even talked about where to go for dinner next week already. It's weird. This thing people call a social life. I'm totally not used to it. I spend so much of my last few years just being with one person almost all the time. It's werid to be with other people.

He came up last weekend to trade things. He has some of my things, and I have a whole mess of his. I realize I don't miss him. Eventhough he is doing everything I asked him to do when we were together now. After we have been apart. I don't miss him. There's really nothing there for me left. It was so draining. I loath realationships like that. The ones that just drains all my energy. So there it was. All 20 minutes of it. Done. Got that over with. My garage now has room for me to rummage through. I need to find my boxes of Lego. I want to play. I'm thinking I want to find them, wrap them up, and open them Christmas morning and play with them. Yeah I'm retarded like that sometimes.

I miss being so innocent. I miss having a Christmas tree. There is no way I am lugging a tree into the house, but I can probably do one of those mini potted trees we did a few years back. That was fun. I can put bells and bows on them. It will be nice. I need a spirit lift.

So I guess my point is, winter is here. I've gotten a lot done, and nothing done this year at the same time, as usual. Sometimes I feel like my life is just passing me by and I'm missing it. I try to go out and have a good time. But sometimes things just goes so slow for me. There is the constant, "how long until..." Well I don't know. I'm just taking it one day at a time. There are things I do I absolutely love, then there are things I do just to please people. I still don't know what I want to do with my life yet. It's a month and a half until I'm 25. I don't have much to show for it. Maybe this is when I'm finally starting to figure out who I am. I don't have a passion, and I'm in pursuit of things that are futile. This is not what I pictured myself to be at this age. In my other life I am in a picture perfect life. I am a great mother and a wife. I have none of those. It seemed to be so a year and a half ago. This is not what I pictured myself to be.

I need some holiday cheer. Ice cream still sounds good, but I think I will just spend my time finishing the book instead of trying to open up an ice cream carton.