mobile note #2

*If I'm watching Charlie Rose at 12 am... I have time to post all of the things I wrote today*

I had a moment of clarity tis morning. I'm not ready for another relationship. This of course comes with some 'but's. I have yet to come across a person that makes me change my mind. I'm not opposed to dating and such... I'm just not ready to settle again. The last time around I was heavily discounted and it made me apprehensive. I don't know what normal is like... but can I be wit somebody normal for once. I'm also done with trying so hard. I'm sick of carrying the relationship through. One of my best friends told me once the guy I should be with eventually should care enough to check on me every morning and night, and sensitive enough to give me my space. I should be on his pedestal and I should be able to not be bothered by his flaws. Maybe I'm being too picky. So far I have found flaws on anyone who showed any remote interest. Maybe I still hold a candle out for somebody else and nobody can compare. I have some very precise expectations. The bottom line is he needs to make me happy without annoying the hell out of me. I hate it when people try too hard. It's not hockey... if it comes naturally to you then you don't have to work so hard. It only pushes me away.

On a lighter note I canceled a dinner with my friend to watch my beloved Sharks pummel the snot out of the Flames last night. I was so happy they moved onto the next round. There was so much emotion invested in this game that I finally feel this team will come through at the end. It's a sense of optimism I haven't felt for a very long time. It's a tricky thing to support a sport team. I think this is the first time I have unconditionally be so passionate over a sports team. It's somehow different. I was going to make a post a few weeks back about how I don't get excited over anything anymore. That sense of passion slipped away from me. It's not true. I do have one thing I'm passionate about. The way I can tell is from my own physical reactions. I rock back and forth in anticipation, my heart rumbles in my chest, and I feel like I'm at the precipice of greatness. The last time I really felt that great anticipation was at my first DMB concert. Every song was like a revelation. Every note and every beat drove to the core of my being. Last night, 10 miles away from the Shark Tank I felt it. The last three minutes of the game lasted an eternity. The nature of the game is unpredictable. At any moment the tide can turn. There is a sense of finality to it. The fun thin is, whatever happened last night does not matter anymore today. I am looking forward to Friday when this process starts all over again. God I love playoff hockey.

An old friend of mine wrote a thing about the Democratic nomination process today. He wrote an open letter to Clinton. From what I gather off his writing is that the situation right now is a no win for the Democrats with Clinton still in the race. I too can sense the imminent attacks from McCain. In fact I am thinking now to just vote for McCain and get it over with. I would probably have voted for him if he had won the nomination 8 years ago. It is true that the war changed my opinion greatly of the Republican party, but comparing to the Democratic party right now it is much more disciplined. To tell the truth none of the candidates are appealing to me at this moment. I am still hoping for Gore. I voted for him last time around and I absolutely stand by that decision.

Two hours is an eternity to me right now. I spent the whole morning winding myself up for the test I had to take at I. I finished the 75 minute test in 20, and the class was supposed to be 3 hours. The last week had been jam packed with homework and activities. Now I have nothing. I have my phone... I didn't even bring laptop. It's one of those days where I get to spend the time alone without much worry. I probably would be content to be in complete silence but this playing a Beyonce concert that skips. I need to find motivation. I have to register for Bay to Breakers. It is a 7.5 mile distance across SF. I want to do it but I am so reluctant to train. Right now I can run 4.3 miles without slowing my pace. I can probably go longer. I come up with way too many excuses to not do the right things. Making the right decisions are so hard when I get to choose. I need to train and feel better about myself. Maybe I have too much self confidence to hinder my progress to make myself better. I am content. I also know I should be way better. So I need to find my motivation again. It really is a strategic management issue for me. I need to run my life more like an enterprise. I figure it will only make sense because I'm a business major.

I'm fairly happy with my new phone at this moment. The label is a bit of a stretch at this moment because it serves more as a portable communication device more then a traditional phone. I barely make calls out of this thin. The large touch screen and keyboard makes it ideal for my interwebs addiction. I use so few of its features, it makes me feel a little guilty about paying so much just to have mobile internet.