Just a little bit off....

I think I'm feeling a lot more lazy then before. Now I can't wait until school starts.... When I have a day off I just sit around. It gets a little boring. I do like keeping busy. I finally got around to send in my application this morning. I got all the stuff ready last night and just finalize it. Now I wait. I'm going to take 19 units in the Fall. 3 online classes and 1 on campus. I'll be able to handle it. It's no biggie. Having something to work on keeps me numb. I like that. Keep busy and not think too much about other stuff. There are still a lot of things on my mind lately.... I just don't need to think about it. If I keep busy then I don't have time to think about it. I like that.

I did a bunch of cleaning like a month ago. My room is getting cluttered again. I guess I've been kinda disturbed lately. I'm glad I got a couple of things done yesterday that I've been putting off. But I need to get more things done.

I didn't make the month. I had a beer on Wednesday night. I just felt like it. It's one of those things.... I just needed something to numb me. Actually I think I was a bit depressed afterwards too. Anyway. I didn't hold up either, so whatever. So I've only been successful on a couple of things. I just need a more structured life. When I have free time, I just waste it.

I haven't been spending money on things I don't need, which is pretty impressive. I set up a couple more accounts on Quicken.... makes me feel like I actually have some money. At least I am saving some money through deductions. I've been saving up for stock purchase, then my 401k just kicked in. Yeah, I don't get that much money each check. Which kind of sucks because I do have to pay off a bunch of stuff. *sigh* Can't afford anything right now. I just paid for more registration and application. I haven't even gotten to text books yet just because they're not even on sale yet. Which reminds me, I need to finish cleaning up my book shelves before I get books and supplies. *argh* so much to do. See how going to work is actually a way to take my mind off stuff? Creepy.

I've been emailing somebody from my past the last few days. It's funny how so much has changed in the past 5 months since we last communicated. It's just so weird, knowing how it used to be, and how it is now. I can't say I miss it, it's just so different. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for things to change. It almost been a year since I last saw him. I don't feel it anymore, but sometimes I wonder if I want to. But then I remind myself there is a reason as to why things lies the way it does now. So I'm content for now. I learn that I can do without. I'm a bit stronger then I thought. I'll live.

This past year had been strange. My view of the world is so different. My outlook in life is totally turned around. I've gone to a few bad places emotionally, but also other good ones I didn't expect to go. It's strange to reevaluate all of my values. There are things I wouldn't dream of doing before that I am doing. There are things that I used to believe to be the most important before that I no longer value. Circumstances. And the people too. They change everything. The thing about that is.... I know how my environment changes me, but how do I keep my identity? What if some people who I am dependent on now leaves my life. What would I do? How does it change me. Honestly I don't know. Maybe I should just close up a little and protect myself. My life doesn't have to be an open book where anyone who stubles upon it can write in it. I should make it read only.... lol.

Anyway.... I should get ready to go to work.