solitude

There is one thing I love doing above all. I tell people where I am going and pretty much end up parked to the side of the road with a cup of coffee just listening to music and thinking.

I usually do this when I have a lot on my mind. I write. It's just one of those things. People have no idea where I am. Everyone assumes I'm in different places with different people. In truth I'm just sitting in my car in some random parking lot, thinking.

It's my freedom. Just dissapearing. No questions. I can be as quiet as i want and nobody would ask me what's wrong. Guess I like to internalize things.

There are times I am so confident it scares me. I know exactly what I want. Even if I know it's the unattainable, when I have my sight on it, I move right in. It's well thought out and obsessive. That's the way it has always been for me. Scary but true. It's never enough though. Once i get it i want more of it. It's a cycle that never ends. It's a hunger that can never be satisfied. I think that's my true downfall.

I'm obsessive to become the queen bee. I don't know what it is, i just do it. I have this way of disarming people. Why do i crave attention? It's almost as if I go out looking for drama in my life to make it somehow seem more interesting. I'm starting to scare myself with my unfeeling manipulation and deception. It sounds sinister doesn't it. That's the way I am. I am very good at it.

Sometimes I seem like the type that can't keep my big trap shut, but I am very selective. I have things I know about that will never be told. As people think I am an open bok, there is always another page to turn. So I write. Because my life story is so complicated I need to lay it out for myself to read. Things that are largely inconsequential ends up here. I leave the important stuff in my head. It's better that way.

I crave having a real relationship. I'm not even dating anyone right now. I miss having someone I can call in the midle of the night just talking about random things. I miss walking down the street holding hands. I miss snuggling up in a movie theater. I miss pda. Just little things. Those are the thing I miss most. You never know when would be the last time that happens. Even if you saw it a mile away. You just never know. You hold out hope. You dream. You think about what could have been.