night

It's raining. It's cold. I'm alone in my own head and it feels good.

I read "Who Moved My Cheese?" today. Quick read, took me about an hour. I was a Hem, turned into a Haw, sometimes a Scurry, trying to be Sniff. Go read it. It's worth your time.

I'm learning how to trust myself. I know who my real friends are. I know who will say, oh hell just leave her alone, and who will stand by my window in the middle of the night just to make sure I'm ok.

People can't know everything about me. I always have the urge to tell people my thoughts. No more. I know how to censor my words on the blog, then I know how to do it in person. There is so much more I won't say here, so why should it be different anywhere else? If people really want to know what I'm thinking, then this is it. I know who my audience are, and who isn't. A lot of times this is a rant about the ones that aren't. Those are the ones that should.

It's a give and take. I don't need to do and be everything you want me to be. I need my life to be about me. I have a year left in school, I get addicted to games, I get sick of people who are Hems, and I'm artsy. What does that mean? That means I'm finally getting a clear picture of who I want myself to be.

I want to live my life where I am enjoying every minute of it. I don't need to have people to be negative and bring my spirits down. I love the rainy weather. I was actually enjoying my lectures today. I made a semi-valid excuse to get out of the gym today.

I don't need people to take my words and twist it around. I now figured if I don't talk to them, then they won't have any words to twist on. Want to go out? Cool, let me know. I just might show up if I feel like it. I'm not mad at anybody.

I got an attitude adjustment. So what do I want? I looked out into the horizon the last couple of days and saw a somewhat defined future. There are so many paths for me to take.

Motivation. The path I'm going down right now leads to security. After security I can work on things that makes me self-actualize. Every single thing I have talked about in the last month or two that are entirely tedious leads to security. I need my security to build on the higher order needs. What do I do when I turn on my computer everyday? I check my bank accounts, credit card accounts, and investments. Stare at Quicken for a good 5 minutes. Plan my day on how I won't spend that money. It's my security. When I have my security I can buy my own freedom. I want a house. That's my freedom. My own private space. I can walk around my house in the nude if I want to. I will have the choice. Giving in to my impulse leads to failure. Setting goals helped me. I can see with security I can get bigger rewards. Being smart about things. Think it through. Get things on a need basis. It's a good thing.

I won't hesitate to express myself. All it means is that I care. And I do. That makes me feel alive. I've been dead for so long. I had so much fear. What if I fail? I start again. I did. It looks even better then before. The more I think of it, the more I can't imagine myself in my old path. It's a hard lesson. But lesson learned.

I have nothing to complain about in life. I really don't. They are all little things. So what material do I have left to write on this blog you ask? I can always reinforce how awesome my life really is. Did I mention I love the sound of rain?