Frustration

Why is it that whenever I find somebody I can really talk to, the same person becomes the greatest source of frustration? It doesn't make sense at all. I hate it that when I can finally trust my feelings with somebody, he/she will let me down.

I miss having somebody that would love me so entirely. It scares me to think that will never happen again. What if I will never find somebody that would care that much for me again? Will I just stay hopeless and frustrated? I think the reality is finally starting to hit me.

I feel like crying. A good, long, gut wrenching cry. I don't remember the last time I was able to do that. I have all these emotions bottled up and no outlet. I know it's all there. Because everyday, I feel a little piece of me dying.

There is this one person that has been able to bring a smile to my face in the past few weeks. We had both indicated interest. I was getting myself ready to dive in. Then with one word, everything changed. I find it increasingly hard for me to stay away. But the reality is, I need to keep away before any mistakes are made. We both know there won't be a future for the two of us. And neither one of us are capable of having flings. We're both the long haul type. So what now? I haven't gotten it figured out at all. We're playing by ear, but that can't last long. I hate it that I have no control over my feelings. Especially when I keep thinking about the way he looked at me a few weeks back. How he saw right through me. The one thing I have always wanted. The one thing I can't have.