shutting down

I feel very reserved today. I'm not quite sure why, but I know I'm not all there.

I thought I would have been more excited yesterday. But after 4 hours of work, my enthusiasm was sucked out of me.

Anticipation and hope are a total bitch. I hate how I could anticipate something to happen for so many days, then be not enthusiastic about it at all when time comes. It's totally retarded. It just makes me sad. I am absolutely drained by my rediculous expectations. It's getting to the point where I want to hit myself over the head for thinking so much.

I've been having those dreams lately. So much so that I tried to shorten my sleep time so I would not have them. Now I'm sleep deprived and look like crap. Whatever.

I just.... wanted so much more. It's not going to happen, is it. Everytime when I think I'm getting close it slips out of my hands. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to care anymore. Somebody please tell me how.