Let go

There is this duck on campus that has a god complex. Every time I see it, it is standing and sleeping on a water spout in the middle of the fountan. It gives the appearance that this duck is standing on water. So that is a random little observation from weeks past.

Some people just don't know how to dress. You don't wear Uggs when you're short and chubby with large calves. You just don't. It makes you look like a friggin gnome. That is all.

I need to get back on track on school work and design an exercise program. I've been slacking off a little this week. I know what type of work I should be doing. I just choose not to do it. But recently, the feeling of guilt started to come back. I didn't think that was a feeling I still posses. I've made myself so numb. I watched Garden State again the other day, and for some odd reason I can relate. The numbness, the unfeeling. I realize I made myself not care about anything. I have closed up myself to the point where I just not care. Maybe I was trying to protect myself. I don't know.

I'm actually starting to design a exercise program in my PE class right now. It's pretty interesting. I know I need it. And I know I've been kind of lazy on everything, and I'm not looking good. I think that's my motivation right now. I'm starting to really not feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel attractive. It felt really good when I caught people checking me out a few weeks back. I want that back. I want to get it to the point where I can make men regret that they never gave me the time of day.

I looked defeat in the eyes last night and I saw two choices. I need to let go of one of two things, my inhibitions or the hope that is close to hopeless. I have for months now felt something I didn't think I would feel again any time soon. Even through that crazy infatuation I had for another, I didn't feel this. I felt I have made a connection. I suppose this is one of those relationships that is not meant to be. I've been selfish. I only thought about myself. I saw right before my trip that I had been suffercating him. I don't have the rights, and I have a sneaking suspision that I never will. I'm not entirely discouraged however. I know I have made a good friend. It may not be enough, but that will have to do. To love is to know when to let go.