a long december

I didn't go home until about 2 am last night. And here I am, at my accounting class at 8:30. I love my friends. Seriously. There are times when I just want to hang out with my friends and just talk. Which I did yesterday. The whole day. It was good to get things off my chest.

A lot of things became clear for me yesterday. I had been totally in love with this one person I barely know the past few months. He is easily one of the most brilliant people I know. But I found that he is impersonal, stubborn, immature, and he would probably never love me the way I want him to. That is aside from a whole mess of external factors I was already facing. And so it was decided that he is not worth it. It was probably just all lust anyway. Which in itself was weird. The other day I was talking to a friend about how the only good sex I have ever had was when we were both emotionally there. So that's not going to happen anyway. She also ask me how I would define love. My answer is quite simple. It is when I put his happiness above myself and hope that he does the same in return. I had been very unlucky in my time, and I know I deserve better.

I know resolutions are made for breaking... but I just need to get back on track... that's all. Just a couple of things that are given: 1. get back on the healthier eating track. 2. exercise more, after I get rid of this cough. 3. Spend waaaaaaay less on non-essentials, good thing we started a bit of a support system yesterday.... yeah... lets see how long that lasts. 4. actually study... then I'll probably get A's... I don't now... and I'm getting B's.... gah... might as well..... dammit I still hate school.....

p.s. I love rain. I love the smell of it. I love how it feels when it hits my face and coats my hair. I love the way it sounds when I'm sitting in my parked car.