Head == totally fucked up. No point in chasing. I think I don't, but I do. I end up creating these random situations in my head and try to set it up in real life. Never works out that way. I should just stop looking and hoping something would happen. I would grab life by the leash... but I don't know where it is. So what's the deal? Who the hell knows.
I always have somebody with me that has little or no personality but killer looks. Does that shift focus? Of course. But then again if I'm not so Alpha at the first place, then people would actually approach me. The twist is, I want to have somebody that's not afraid of the Alpha and don't want me to be the Beta. Inevitably that leads me to be attracted to complete assholes. Or maybe it's because I've been with Betas all my life and I'm craving an Alpha. So yeah.... can't help it. A buddy said I'll probablly have lots of arguments with somebody like that. I say bring it on. Angry sex is the best.
My good friend said all these random stuff I've been thinking about is from being lonely. I think I'll have to agree. At least he's got some prospects. I seriously don't have any right now, cause they're all just in my friggin head. I guess I have a pretty active imagination when it comes to my happiness. I have my ideals. And they are pretty friggin hard to reach.
It's just been so much more frustrating recently. With the last one, it was totally one sided. I read the stuff he writes and I liked it. I can recognize an intellectual when I see one. Brain is more attractive then braun to me. The guy is a total ass in person, shows no interest, and I even knew who he liked (which turns out to be quite dissapointing). I don't get the whole intellectual guy liking the complete idiot girl thing. Wouldn't he get bored after a while? Looks can only go so far. If I were him, and started dating one of those girls, I would go insane from the pure airheadedness of those girls. You don't understand, I would kill myself. But that's just me, maybe he's just as dumb as them on some level. Who knows.
With the most recent one the brain is there, we can talk for hours on end, and there's definatly interest. But alas, the circumstances can not be helped. We're still good friends and all, but now there's that layer of guilt. I can't talk to him, I can't look him in the eyes, he's practically avoiding me. A total 180 from where we were headed. I've spent the last two weeks on scheming to turn it back around. Trying to figure out what is it I'm feeling, how to tell him and some such bullshit. I looked back on when everything turned and realized why he's treating me the way he is now. He cares enough to try to not to lead me onto something that's not going to end up well. I appreciate it. He tells me I should really look elsewhere for what I want, which incidentally is also what he wants. He just knows it would end badly of we seize this. So he's not a risk taker when it comes to these things. Seriously though, any other guy in his situation would jump at the chance. I don't know if I should feel honored or insulted. Last couple of days I've been leaning towards insulted.
Girl friend of mine tells me yesterday I should get over the whole asshole thing. I need to tell her what I said to another girl friend, intellectual assholes are just so much more interesting. I'm turning into one of those girls I hate, I guess I want the guy to treat me like trash? That can't be it. Maybe I want somebody that is confrontational. Naw. Spirited discussion which ends up with passionate sex. Ha! Jeez, I don't even watch soaps.
Which brings me to another point. I don't want just sex, I want intimacy. That's actually not that hard to look for. I mean, when I look for somebody, I'm looking for the total package. It's not about looks, though I want somebody that's not totally gross. I'm not looking for a mirror image of myself, that would be totally creepy. I don't want the most sensitive guy, if I wanted pussies I would be a dyke. I don't want a playa, a friend tried to get me to read the book... totally not necessary and I'm pretty self-centered... as it should be. Definatly somebody who's secure enough about himself that he doesn't feel threatened by me. I am in fact the most important thing in the world and nothing else really matters (har har).
So yeah... guess I haven't met him yet.
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RE: Head == totally fucked up.
ReplyDeleteI used to create a lot of random situations in my head. I still do from time to time. Most of them relate to the various hopes, dreams, and aspirations that I have for my life. I think it's a fun to watch the mind go on tangents. When your thoughts slow down, you have the opportunity to distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy. The line can be very hard to draw. Sometimes there's a lot of meaning and reason behind thoughts, and other times it feels (to me anyway) like I'm just obsessed.
RE: I always have somebody with me... killer looks...
Isn't that interesting? My focus still shifts at times, even though I've been in a serious relationship for the last 5 years. I usually solve the problem by thinking... what am I attracted to? A person, or an idea? Through a little analysis, the answer has always been the latter.
RE: Alpha / Beta
They say opposites attract -- that people share meaning and complement each other. At the same time, I think a starting point is necessary. What would you do with the other person in the short term and the long term? When people have many differences, there can be a lot of emotional and physical attraction. However, the result is usually that there isn't enough "glue" to hold the relationship together, unless at least one person in the relationship is exceptionally compromising.
RE: My good friend... being lonely
Without the opinion of others, your mind is like an elephant. It's free to run around and cause trouble by blowing things out of proportion and exaggerating the severity of situations. Now if you've gotten accustomed to handling your thoughts in solitude (which I have not!), it's probably much less of an elephant. It's so hard to even consider solitude these days. Movies, TV, iPods, shopping, fashion, friends, acquaintances, random people in your accounting class that comment on your blog...etc -- so many distractions!
RE: Intellectual guy / idiot girl
I think I get it =) The thought might be appealing to me if I was single. I mean the "idiot girl" would be more likely to offer love, admiration, and respect to me. Now that would probably get boring after three to ten days, which is why I didn't choose to be in that kind of relationship. I'm looking for something more stable than that, but there are many things I've sacrificed in the name of stability. The biggest sacrifice to sum it up... I can't feel like I'm "the shit" anymore, which used to be really important to me.
RE: With the most recent... brain is there...
Are you sure you aren't giving him too much credit? We men aren't always as bright as we act. My .02: expect things to suck. And I don't mean to have a negative attitude in general, or to not believe in him. What I mean is that people have a lot going on, and there's a pretty good chance that there are other girls competing for this man's attention. Now I'm not you, so I haven't seen the whole situation. But I think you should dig in a little bit. Perhaps ask specifically what he thinks would go wrong if you two got together, and suggest that he's not considering what could go "right", that the risk is worth the possible gains, etc (given that you think this is true). I believe that you can voice all of that without coming across as desperate or needy. Put your foot down, look him in the eye, and say it. Then listen intently, and respond with conviction. You know how to do that! =) Even if it seems to make everything go to hell, at least it'll help you move forward. And worst case scenario -- you can always blame me :P
RE: Fun intellectual assholes...
Many of us crave the fight -- the challenge -- the exhiliration. I have to say that's what led me into my current relationship. I knew she wasn't easy. In fact, I was rejected multiple times before Trisha and I got together. I'm not saying this from experience, but I believe the plus side to the intellectual asshole is that the relationship can be more exciting. There'll be someone to challenge your thoughts, as long as he does it logically, remains "curious", and doesn't get abusive =)
Take care Patricia. Best of luck with finals. Let me know if you'd like to have coffee one day.
--Riyan