trauma and a few thoughts

There are a few things in life that ever wounds me as much what has been finalized today. On one hand I'm glad it's finally over with. On the other hand, it's truly over, and I've wasted the best 5 years of my life. There are some things that I have salvaged from it, but none of it is satisfactory. I act like there's nothing is wrong, and I've even lied about it. Everything had turned for the worst for me for 4 long years now. It was like a train wreck, I couldn't stop it. I just watched myself slide. It just kept getting worse. Until today. It's finally over. I have a direction now. I will finally get the things I want with just a little bit more hard work.

I often wondered what would have happened if I never got into CalPoly and went to UCSC instead. I was ready. I picked out which dorm I wanted to be in. I was going to enroll in Stevenson and become an English major. I didn't care that it doesn't put me on the higher salary path. I wanted to just read and think. I would have been different. I would have became a vegetarian, hang out at the beach, and be at home most weekends. I certainly would not be where I am now. I certainly would not have learned any of these life lessons. I hesitated to send in my letter of intent by one day, and got into the CS program at Poly. Instead of growth I got isolation and despair. I should have left a long time ago, but I was afraid to dissapoint. I wanted to impress. But I failed. I failed myself on the day I decided to choose what other people wanted for me instead of what I wanted.

It's time for me to move on.